Update

I haven’t written anything  in forever… I discovered my third year studying law was busier than I’d expected. Add to that my involvement in the Social Committee and that I’m thinking about joining another one and that I might get into a long distance relationship.

I’m seeing Bubblegum Boy tonight and we’re gonna talk about what we want. I’m actually a bit nervous about it.

Also, I’ve been having some trouble with flashbacks and stuff that I’m not sure are memories or a bad dream. I wrote about the night after my huge exam last December. Over the summer some memories has resurfaced. I’m not completely sure that Frog really did keep his hands off me. I have vague memories of something happening but I’m not sure if it’s really memories or something else. And I don’t want to talk to him ever again after what he did. So I’m at a loss what to do.

I’ve also started keeping a diary again. In a notebook. I’ve filled a third of the notebook in about a month. I’ve had a lot of thinking to do…Mostly about Bubblegum Boy. I’m not completely sure what I wanna do with us. He told me he knows what he wants but didn’t wanna talk about it over the phone.

Kyle moved to Italy for an exchange year and I’m actually missing him.

I spent the majority of the summer with two friends who don’t have names on this blog. Both of them deserve a post of their own though.

Keyboard

My keyboard broke over the weekend. So I’ve been without one for a couple of days… Was really weird and annoying! Now I’ve finally got a new one :D

Less Freaking Out

I met up with Raven for lunch today ^^ Haven’t seen him much over the summer so we had some catching up to do :) Was great seeing him again ^^ I’ve really missed that boy! That’s a friend I can’t imagine my life without. He asked me how the situation with Bubblegum Boy is and what we are planning on doing. He also offered to try and move mine and his relationship more towards the friend zone and cut out the “with benefits” part.

I’m freaking out less over Bubblegum Boy now :) Talking to Raven usually calms me down ^^

Boyfriend?

The thought of having a boyfriend freaks me out. The thought of not having Bubblegum Boy in my life freaks me out even more. If I think too much about the fact that I’ve actually fallen in love with him freaks me out too. Not sure what to do in this situation, so Tuesday night found me looking for tickets to visit him. Thursday morning I left and I got back home Friday night. The time there was spent talking and fucking. The fucking was great and the talking also left me feeling a lot better about things :) We’re not together, but in how we act towards each other there is little difference between what we have and a long distance relationship.

Summer Vacation Follow Up

I wrote a post about my plans for the summer two months ago. I had a list of stuff I was planning to do ^^ Most of it I also did.

Plans for the summer:
*Watch five seasons NCIS with Raven
*Meet up with Bite Me and Bubblegum Boy at the same time :D Haven’t seen Bite Me for ages! (At least a year and a half!)
*Bake pie! (Lot’s of pie! Cos pie is awesome!)
*SLEEEEEEEP
*Clean out my old room at my mum’s place

So I watched two seasons NCIS, met up with Bite Me and Bubblegum Boy, did bake a lot of pie and sleep some. I didn’t clean out my old room yet though…

Oh, and I fell in love. Did not expect that!

Trust

I read somewhere that trusting someone is giving them the power to hurt you and hoping they won’t. That is so true. Sometimes I feel like trusting someone is a bit like handing them a sharp knife and showing them the best way to get between the ribs to stab your heart and hoping they wont.

Thoughts

Too many thoughts swirling around in my head. Writing usually helps me sort them out. I was thinking about Bubblegum Boy. That’s whom I was referring to in my last post. We’ve been talking a lot and we really like each other. He wants a relationship. I love him, I really do, but I also love being single. And I remember the last time I was in a relationship… I felt trapped. And it took me more than a year to get out.

I’m a good friend. Sometimes even a great one… I’m an excellent person to be in a friends with benefits type of relationship with. I’m not, however, a good girlfriend. Mostly cos I don’t like being someone’s girlfriend. I love being my own person. I love being able to just do what I like and not worrying about maybe hurting the feelings of some romantic partner. I don’t like the feeling I get that I have to censor myself for fear of hurting the other persons feelings.And romantic relationships tend to make me feel like I have to censor part of who I am. It’s weird really, one of the things I fell in love with was the feeling that I could always be myself around him, but the second I start calling him my boyfriend that feeling will go away. And then what’s the point?

I don’t thrive when I’m part of a “we”. I thrive when I’m me. I feel trapped in monogamy. Even if I’m effectively monogamous, the second I make a deal about monogamy I feel trapped. The not sleeping with other people gotta be for me, not for someone else. And if I’m someone’s girlfriend the not sleeping with other people is not for me.