Category: Crying


Daddy Issues

I would give anything to have a normal relationship with my dad. In a way I really wanna see him. I haven’t seen him in over four years. I’m just so scared to get hurt… Again.

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What do I want with my ex? I’m not completely sure… I know I love him. I know that I am in love with him. I know he loves me, but he is in love with someone else. And I wish he wasn’t. Hearing him talk about her hurts. I’m used to it being me he talked about that way. You know how people who are in love sound when they talk about the person they’re in love with… And I hate myself for being jealous.

I don’t want to be that person… That person who is head over heels for someone who doesn’t feel the same way. That person who is still crazy about her ex. That person who calls her ex, in the middle of the night, crying her eyes out cos she’s still in love with him. Makes me feel pathetic and like some psycho stalker ex.

I don’t know what exactly it is I want. I don’t really want to be part of a we… I just want to be with him. No labels, no rules… I don’t want to go back to how it was, I want something simple where the only thing that matters is that we care about each other.

I don’t know what I want, but I know what I can’t handle. I can’t handle being friends when I’m still in love with him. I can’t handle hearing him talk about her. I can’t handle thinking about him sleeping with her. I can’t handle the pain every time I think about him. And I highly doubt I can handle seeing him with her.

Most of the time it’s not that hard to handle the break-up. Cos we’re still friends and stuff… Then all the drama in my life gets too much and the sense of safety he gave me isn’t there anymore and then I just break down and wish we’d never broken up. The fact that we didn’t break up cos we fell out of love gets a lot harder to deal with.  He is still the same person I fell in love with… And I miss him… It’s all the little things that makes it hard to deal with the break up. No more cute texts just because. No more random call in the middle of the day just to ask how I was doing. No more small random gifts. No more emotional safety net.

I miss him so much it hurts…

Wednesday I was at this student pub. Frog was there as was a bunch of other people I know. Among them the girl he’s dating now. I had a lot of fun most of the night.. Then I found out something I think Frog should’ve told me months ago. Remember that bet we had? The one I won? He told me he lost by masturbating, turns out he lost by having sex with the girl he’s dating. While he was still on the antibiotics for the chlamydia. After they found out she tested positive, and before she got on antibiotics. I don’t care what he does, or what risks he takes. But he sure as hell can’t decide what risks I take. I’m not pissed that I got chlamydia from him, nor that he slept with her when he was supposed to be celibate. What I’m pissed about is that he didn’t tell me and that he lied to me when we were still having sex. Had we not had sex after that I wouldn’t have cared…

What he did says that he cares more about getting laid than he cares about giving me a choice to manage my risks.

When I found out what he had done I dragged him off the dance floor, pushed him up against a wall and slapped him. I haven’t actually hit someone in more than ten years. Screamed, pushed, almost hit, that I have done.. but I haven’t actually hit anyone since the time I beat up three guys who were mean to my brother when I was like ten.I’m still fucking pissed off at him. I really don’t know what to do right now. The girl he’s dating begged me not to cut contact with him. Apparently he cares about me. Apparently I mean a lot to him as a friend.

There is one reason and one reason only I’m not forcing him to be celibate right now (remember the bet?) and that would affect the girl he’s dating too much. And she is really nice. She deserves so much better than Frog. I feel sorry for her, I really do.. Cos this is not going to end well. Frog is too addicted to the validation he gets from girls he meets.

He actually made me cry…

I’ve been more moodswingy than normal this past week or so thanks to the stupid pill I had to take. Stupid hormones… Not only did it mess with my emotions I also started bleeding a week and a half after my last period ended >< And I’m still bleeding! It’s not fair!

From Ninja today:

Hey baby. Thank you for being you. For having ben there through my ups and downs. Listening to me go on and on about everything under the sun. Thank you for giving me butterflies, for your sweet lemon dextro energy kisses. Your love, laughter and stunning personality. Having you as a best friend is something to cherish and take pride off. Thanks you thank you for letting me be such a big part of your life. I leave my heart with you here in sweden…Well whats left of it anyways. I love you my beautiful. Missing you already. Dont you ever dare to change, you are perfect in every way, baby.

I’m gonna miss her like crazy!!! Fuck I love that girl!

My dad is visiting Denmark. My grandmother (his mother that is, not my mum’s mother) is in the hospital and might be dying. She took the death of her son very hard.  So she gave my dad money for a ticket so he could come visit.

I really hope she’ll be ok ><

Then I got an e-mail from my dad where he apologised for forgetting my birthday. Apparently he’ll come visit Sweden as well when he’s “in the “neighbourhood”. He said he’s gotten me a gift and I’m still not sure I can handle seeing him. I’m still mad, and a head on collision with a truck is not an apology for the way he’s acted. He won’t even admit that he ever did anything wrong!

*panics*