Category: Confused


I haven’t written anything¬† in forever… I discovered my third year studying law was busier than I’d expected. Add to that my involvement in the Social Committee and that I’m thinking about joining another one and that I might get into a long distance relationship.

I’m seeing Bubblegum Boy tonight and we’re gonna talk about what we want. I’m actually a bit nervous about it.

Also, I’ve been having some trouble with flashbacks and stuff that I’m not sure are memories or a bad dream. I wrote about the night after my huge exam last December. Over the summer some memories has resurfaced. I’m not completely sure that Frog really did keep his hands off me. I have vague memories of something happening but I’m not sure if it’s really memories or something else. And I don’t want to talk to him ever again after what he did. So I’m at a loss what to do.

I’ve also started keeping a diary again. In a notebook. I’ve filled a third of the notebook in about a month. I’ve had a lot of thinking to do…Mostly about Bubblegum Boy. I’m not completely sure what I wanna do with us. He told me he knows what he wants but didn’t wanna talk about it over the phone.

Kyle moved to Italy for an exchange year and I’m actually missing him.

I spent the majority of the summer with two friends who don’t have names on this blog. Both of them deserve a post of their own though.

The thought of having a boyfriend freaks me out. The thought of not having Bubblegum Boy in my life freaks me out even more. If I think too much about the fact that I’ve actually fallen in love with him freaks me out too. Not sure what to do in this situation, so Tuesday night found me looking for tickets to visit him. Thursday morning I left and I got back home Friday night. The time there was spent talking and fucking. The fucking was great and the talking also left me feeling a lot better about things :) We’re not together, but in how we act towards each other there is little difference between what we have and a long distance relationship.

Too many thoughts swirling around in my head. Writing usually helps me sort them out. I was thinking about Bubblegum Boy. That’s whom I was referring to in my last post. We’ve been talking a lot and we really like each other. He wants a relationship. I love him, I really do, but I also love being single. And I remember the last time I was in a relationship… I felt trapped. And it took me more than a year to get out.

I’m a good friend. Sometimes even a great one… I’m an excellent person to be in a friends with benefits type of relationship with. I’m not, however, a good girlfriend. Mostly cos I don’t like being someone’s girlfriend. I love being my own person. I love being able to just do what I like and not worrying about maybe hurting the feelings of some romantic partner. I don’t like the feeling I get that I have to censor myself for fear of hurting the other persons feelings.And romantic relationships tend to make me feel like I have to censor part of who I am. It’s weird really, one of the things I fell in love with was the feeling that I could always be myself around him, but the second I start calling him my boyfriend that feeling will go away. And then what’s the point?

I don’t thrive when I’m part of a “we”. I thrive when I’m me. I feel trapped in monogamy. Even if I’m effectively monogamous, the second I make a deal about monogamy I feel trapped. The not sleeping with other people gotta be for me, not for someone else. And if I’m someone’s girlfriend the not sleeping with other people is not for me.

What do I do?

A guy who used to hang in the same circles as I did a few years ago and and me recently started talking again. The guy is almost fire years younger than me and he pretty much just told me that he is interested in me. What the hell do I do?

Where does the line go between “really good friend I’m completely in lust with” and “omfg, I think I’m falling for him” go? And if I figure out I’ve crossed the line, where do I go from there? Falling for a friend who doesn’t reciprocate those feelings can be really awkward, and in case I do fall for him I really don’t want to ruin the friendship. He’s one of the few people on this planet I really trust.

I have a hard time telling people how much they mean to me. For me, telling someone that they mean a lot to me is a really big risk. If they react to it the “wrong” way it’s the emotional equivalent of a punch to the stomach and most of the time I can’t handle that. So I just show them that I care, and let them draw their own conclusions.

Sometime I want to flat out tell some of my friends that hey, I really care about you and I’ve come to trust you, but the fear of a “wrong” reaction keeps me silent. In stead I’ll do stuff to try and show them that I care. I’ll be there if they need me, I’ll try and remember stuff they tell me, and so forth and so on… Those little things that make a good friend. I don’t always succeed, but I always try.

There’s been a few things with Raven I haven’t been completely happy with. But until Friday I didn’t have the guts to talk to him about it. I’ve been almost afraid to initiate sex with him due to a stupid thing he said a few months back. Also, one thing he said right after the last time we had sex hurt a bit. We talked about both those times as well as about our relationship in general. He said he was sorry that I got upset and explained where he came from with those things he said. Both of the things that upset me are basically in-jokes between him and some of his friends. With that context none of the comments he made where a big deal. None the less he promised to think a bit more when it came to in-jokes I had no idea about :)

Both of us are happy with a friends with benefits relationship where we are friends first and the benefits are of secondary importance. I think we could stay friends even if one of us stopped being single, cos there is so much more to our friendship than sex.