Category: Choice


I haven’t written anything¬† in forever… I discovered my third year studying law was busier than I’d expected. Add to that my involvement in the Social Committee and that I’m thinking about joining another one and that I might get into a long distance relationship.

I’m seeing Bubblegum Boy tonight and we’re gonna talk about what we want. I’m actually a bit nervous about it.

Also, I’ve been having some trouble with flashbacks and stuff that I’m not sure are memories or a bad dream. I wrote about the night after my huge exam last December. Over the summer some memories has resurfaced. I’m not completely sure that Frog really did keep his hands off me. I have vague memories of something happening but I’m not sure if it’s really memories or something else. And I don’t want to talk to him ever again after what he did. So I’m at a loss what to do.

I’ve also started keeping a diary again. In a notebook. I’ve filled a third of the notebook in about a month. I’ve had a lot of thinking to do…Mostly about Bubblegum Boy. I’m not completely sure what I wanna do with us. He told me he knows what he wants but didn’t wanna talk about it over the phone.

Kyle moved to Italy for an exchange year and I’m actually missing him.

I spent the majority of the summer with two friends who don’t have names on this blog. Both of them deserve a post of their own though.

Less Freaking Out

I met up with Raven for lunch today ^^ Haven’t seen him much over the summer so we had some catching up to do :) Was great seeing him again ^^ I’ve really missed that boy! That’s a friend I can’t imagine my life without. He asked me how the situation with Bubblegum Boy is and what we are planning on doing. He also offered to try and move mine and his relationship more towards the friend zone and cut out the “with benefits” part.

I’m freaking out less over Bubblegum Boy now :) Talking to Raven usually calms me down ^^

The thought of having a boyfriend freaks me out. The thought of not having Bubblegum Boy in my life freaks me out even more. If I think too much about the fact that I’ve actually fallen in love with him freaks me out too. Not sure what to do in this situation, so Tuesday night found me looking for tickets to visit him. Thursday morning I left and I got back home Friday night. The time there was spent talking and fucking. The fucking was great and the talking also left me feeling a lot better about things :) We’re not together, but in how we act towards each other there is little difference between what we have and a long distance relationship.

Too many thoughts swirling around in my head. Writing usually helps me sort them out. I was thinking about Bubblegum Boy. That’s whom I was referring to in my last post. We’ve been talking a lot and we really like each other. He wants a relationship. I love him, I really do, but I also love being single. And I remember the last time I was in a relationship… I felt trapped. And it took me more than a year to get out.

I’m a good friend. Sometimes even a great one… I’m an excellent person to be in a friends with benefits type of relationship with. I’m not, however, a good girlfriend. Mostly cos I don’t like being someone’s girlfriend. I love being my own person. I love being able to just do what I like and not worrying about maybe hurting the feelings of some romantic partner. I don’t like the feeling I get that I have to censor myself for fear of hurting the other persons feelings.And romantic relationships tend to make me feel like I have to censor part of who I am. It’s weird really, one of the things I fell in love with was the feeling that I could always be myself around him, but the second I start calling him my boyfriend that feeling will go away. And then what’s the point?

I don’t thrive when I’m part of a “we”. I thrive when I’m me. I feel trapped in monogamy. Even if I’m effectively monogamous, the second I make a deal about monogamy I feel trapped. The not sleeping with other people gotta be for me, not for someone else. And if I’m someone’s girlfriend the not sleeping with other people is not for me.

Boundaries

That people respect my boundaries is really, really important to me. Ignoring the “small” things, like once I told a guy I wanted the lights out before my clothes came off, makes me wonder if they will ignore my boundaries when it comes to the “big” things too. So generally I have very low tolerance for any boundary-pushing.

If I’m sleeping with someone fairly regularly and that person is also sleeping with other people condoms are a must at all times. If that person had unprotected sex with someone else I won’t get naked with them ’till they get tested. This is non-negotiable from my side.

A few days ago I was with Bubblegum Boy and we were making out on his couch and he paused two second to say: “This might ruin the mood, but you told me that you wanted to know if I had unprotected sex with someone else.¬† So I just wanted to let you know that since the last time we met I did have unprotected sex once.”

We didn’t have sex that night. We didn’t get naked that night. We didn’t even go past making out. There was a lot of “gah! I wish we could know if I had anything!” and “argh! I wish we could know if you had anything” and lot’s of being really horny. But he never tried to pressure me, he didn’t even ask if we could do anything just this once.

We were both equally frustrated from he lack of sex but he never once acted like it was my responsibility to keep him from crossing the line. Never once acted like it was my responsibility to get him off cos I’d made him horny. He even apologised and asked if he was being a tease and if I wanted him to stop with the making out and other stuff we were doing.

I asked him if he thought I was being paranoid and he said that he didn’t think so. He thought I was careful and that it would do him good to be more careful too. He told me he would go get tested as soon as he could, and we scheduled meeting up next weekend.

That is how you are supposed to act when it comes to boundarie

Wiieee :D

I got a new e-mail adress ^^ [my name]@[my student organisation].com. My “job” is to make sure people from my Social Committee attends parties at other Social Committees¬† xD Part of my job is also to make sure that the other Social Committees knows that we exist. How do I do that? I go a to a shit load of parties and student pubs xD

I just checked my calendar. I’ve got like one free day for the rest of this month. And I love it :D Cos it’s mostly fun stuff I’m busy with :D It’s meetings and classes and lectures and parties (I’ll be working the lot though xD) apart from an essay I have to write it’s all cos I wanna do it too ^^