Category: Self Esteem


Too many thoughts swirling around in my head. Writing usually helps me sort them out. I was thinking about Bubblegum Boy. That’s whom I was referring to in my last post. We’ve been talking a lot and we really like each other. He wants a relationship. I love him, I really do, but I also love being single. And I remember the last time I was in a relationship… I felt trapped. And it took me more than a year to get out.

I’m a good friend. Sometimes even a great one… I’m an excellent person to be in a friends with benefits type of relationship with. I’m not, however, a good girlfriend. Mostly cos I don’t like being someone’s girlfriend. I love being my own person. I love being able to just do what I like and not worrying about maybe hurting the feelings of some romantic partner. I don’t like the feeling I get that I have to censor myself for fear of hurting the other persons feelings.And romantic relationships tend to make me feel like I have to censor part of who I am. It’s weird really, one of the things I fell in love with was the feeling that I could always be myself around him, but the second I start calling him my boyfriend that feeling will go away. And then what’s the point?

I don’t thrive when I’m part of a “we”. I thrive when I’m me. I feel trapped in monogamy. Even if I’m effectively monogamous, the second I make a deal about monogamy I feel trapped. The not sleeping with other people gotta be for me, not for someone else. And if I’m someone’s girlfriend the not sleeping with other people is not for me.

I have a bunch of rules when it comes to sex. I don’t have sex without condoms. I don’t sleep with complete strangers. I don’t have sex with people who are too old or too young. I don’t have sex with people who are in monogamous relationships (unless it’s a relationship with me that is xD). I only do stuff if it’s exactly what I wanna do right now, right here. That last part has led to a few instances where I was a bit unsure, didn’t have sex that night but had sex the next morning. I only have sex with people I trust to respect a no. This means that if a potential partner ignores some small thing I’m uncomfortable with I will not have sex with that person. I won’t sleep with someone if they make me feel like a second choice. I won’t sleep with someone if I’d rather have sex with someone else.

I have a hard time telling people how much they mean to me. For me, telling someone that they mean a lot to me is a really big risk. If they react to it the “wrong” way it’s the emotional equivalent of a punch to the stomach and most of the time I can’t handle that. So I just show them that I care, and let them draw their own conclusions.

Sometime I want to flat out tell some of my friends that hey, I really care about you and I’ve come to trust you, but the fear of a “wrong” reaction keeps me silent. In stead I’ll do stuff to try and show them that I care. I’ll be there if they need me, I’ll try and remember stuff they tell me, and so forth and so on… Those little things that make a good friend. I don’t always succeed, but I always try.

Pancakes

Today I made pancakes from scratch all on my own :D I’ve never done that before… I usually get my mum to make the batter and then ex-boyfriend used to help me out once in a while too.

I’m awesome :D

There’s been a few things with Raven I haven’t been completely happy with. But until Friday I didn’t have the guts to talk to him about it. I’ve been almost afraid to initiate sex with him due to a stupid thing he said a few months back. Also, one thing he said right after the last time we had sex hurt a bit. We talked about both those times as well as about our relationship in general. He said he was sorry that I got upset and explained where he came from with those things he said. Both of the things that upset me are basically in-jokes between him and some of his friends. With that context none of the comments he made where a big deal. None the less he promised to think a bit more when it came to in-jokes I had no idea about :)

Both of us are happy with a friends with benefits relationship where we are friends first and the benefits are of secondary importance. I think we could stay friends even if one of us stopped being single, cos there is so much more to our friendship than sex.

I just wrote a page about student life. You might want to read that first.

A few weeks ago I was at this information/training for people who are part of a Social Committee. It was two full days of lectures that ended with a test. Apart from the test and the lectures we also got a small quiz-like thing to fill out. It was about our alcohol habits. You could get a total of 40 points and you wanted to score as low as possible. Girls scoring 6 and above where apparently among the third of the students in Sweden who drank the most alcohol. I scored six.

Statistically those of us who are part of Social Committees are the ones who are at the highest risk of becoming alcoholics. It was really good to talk about that stuff and discuss it with people I know in other Social Committees. Statistically, for people with higher education, the people who become alcoholics lay the foundation during their years at uni. On top of that I have alcoholics in my family.

All this together makes me really scared that I’ll end up with an addiction… I know from experience that I have a hard time breaking bad habits. So I try to be careful with my drinking habits. I can be sober at parties without people asking me if I’m pregnant :D

I saw an episode of How I Met Your Mother about keeping someone on the hook. The person you mostly keep around cos they give you an ego-boost but you don’t really wanna be with them like ever. I’ve done that… And I’m never doing it again if I can avoid it. It’s really not nice… If you don’t like someone as much as they like you, let them go on with their life and maybe they can find someone who likes them back instead.