Category: Relationship


I haven’t written anything¬† in forever… I discovered my third year studying law was busier than I’d expected. Add to that my involvement in the Social Committee and that I’m thinking about joining another one and that I might get into a long distance relationship.

I’m seeing Bubblegum Boy tonight and we’re gonna talk about what we want. I’m actually a bit nervous about it.

Also, I’ve been having some trouble with flashbacks and stuff that I’m not sure are memories or a bad dream. I wrote about the night after my huge exam last December. Over the summer some memories has resurfaced. I’m not completely sure that Frog really did keep his hands off me. I have vague memories of something happening but I’m not sure if it’s really memories or something else. And I don’t want to talk to him ever again after what he did. So I’m at a loss what to do.

I’ve also started keeping a diary again. In a notebook. I’ve filled a third of the notebook in about a month. I’ve had a lot of thinking to do…Mostly about Bubblegum Boy. I’m not completely sure what I wanna do with us. He told me he knows what he wants but didn’t wanna talk about it over the phone.

Kyle moved to Italy for an exchange year and I’m actually missing him.

I spent the majority of the summer with two friends who don’t have names on this blog. Both of them deserve a post of their own though.

The thought of having a boyfriend freaks me out. The thought of not having Bubblegum Boy in my life freaks me out even more. If I think too much about the fact that I’ve actually fallen in love with him freaks me out too. Not sure what to do in this situation, so Tuesday night found me looking for tickets to visit him. Thursday morning I left and I got back home Friday night. The time there was spent talking and fucking. The fucking was great and the talking also left me feeling a lot better about things :) We’re not together, but in how we act towards each other there is little difference between what we have and a long distance relationship.

Too many thoughts swirling around in my head. Writing usually helps me sort them out. I was thinking about Bubblegum Boy. That’s whom I was referring to in my last post. We’ve been talking a lot and we really like each other. He wants a relationship. I love him, I really do, but I also love being single. And I remember the last time I was in a relationship… I felt trapped. And it took me more than a year to get out.

I’m a good friend. Sometimes even a great one… I’m an excellent person to be in a friends with benefits type of relationship with. I’m not, however, a good girlfriend. Mostly cos I don’t like being someone’s girlfriend. I love being my own person. I love being able to just do what I like and not worrying about maybe hurting the feelings of some romantic partner. I don’t like the feeling I get that I have to censor myself for fear of hurting the other persons feelings.And romantic relationships tend to make me feel like I have to censor part of who I am. It’s weird really, one of the things I fell in love with was the feeling that I could always be myself around him, but the second I start calling him my boyfriend that feeling will go away. And then what’s the point?

I don’t thrive when I’m part of a “we”. I thrive when I’m me. I feel trapped in monogamy. Even if I’m effectively monogamous, the second I make a deal about monogamy I feel trapped. The not sleeping with other people gotta be for me, not for someone else. And if I’m someone’s girlfriend the not sleeping with other people is not for me.

I have a bunch of rules when it comes to sex. I don’t have sex without condoms. I don’t sleep with complete strangers. I don’t have sex with people who are too old or too young. I don’t have sex with people who are in monogamous relationships (unless it’s a relationship with me that is xD). I only do stuff if it’s exactly what I wanna do right now, right here. That last part has led to a few instances where I was a bit unsure, didn’t have sex that night but had sex the next morning. I only have sex with people I trust to respect a no. This means that if a potential partner ignores some small thing I’m uncomfortable with I will not have sex with that person. I won’t sleep with someone if they make me feel like a second choice. I won’t sleep with someone if I’d rather have sex with someone else.

I need to find something to do soon… All the free time is making me go crazy. I broke down yesterday ><

I’ve been baking so much pie just to have something to do these past few weeks xD Apparently my pie is awesome ^^

Today I’m going to the beach ^^ Pixie is coming too :D Haven’t seen her in ages :) Will is also going and some other people too ^^ I went to the beach on Wednesday with Risika’s ex. I think it’s kinda fun how we ended up becoming friends ^^ Risika is getting married this summer :O To some guy she met online. Getting married at 21 in Sweden isn’t very common.

I’ve been fairly busy the past week or so ^^ Mostly busy with fun things like parties and stuff like that :D Last Saturday I was out in a real club for the first time in ages… I mostly go to student parties. I was with Raven and some of his friends. It was a really weird feeling only knowing the four people I came with xD At most student parties, even if I don’t personally know everyone there I know who most of the people are.

I’ve also been busy with school and related things. I’m taking a course on criminal law right now and I love it :D There are also some things I don’t like as much. The head of our Social Committee right now isn’t doing his job right. He isn’t the kind of person you want to be in charge of stuff. It really bothers me that I would do his job better, and I don’t think I’m nearly qualified for that stuff. If he doesn’t shape up (highly unlikely, he isn’t the leader-type) he might have a minor revolution on his hands.

I was home over Easter. Was fun ^^ I got to spend some time with Nadia :D :D I also got to meet her brother in law. He doesn’t know Swedish, and Nadia was joking about how “we can be family!” xD

Where does the line go between “really good friend I’m completely in lust with” and “omfg, I think I’m falling for him” go? And if I figure out I’ve crossed the line, where do I go from there? Falling for a friend who doesn’t reciprocate those feelings can be really awkward, and in case I do fall for him I really don’t want to ruin the friendship. He’s one of the few people on this planet I really trust.