Category: Morons


I haven’t written anything¬† in forever… I discovered my third year studying law was busier than I’d expected. Add to that my involvement in the Social Committee and that I’m thinking about joining another one and that I might get into a long distance relationship.

I’m seeing Bubblegum Boy tonight and we’re gonna talk about what we want. I’m actually a bit nervous about it.

Also, I’ve been having some trouble with flashbacks and stuff that I’m not sure are memories or a bad dream. I wrote about the night after my huge exam last December. Over the summer some memories has resurfaced. I’m not completely sure that Frog really did keep his hands off me. I have vague memories of something happening but I’m not sure if it’s really memories or something else. And I don’t want to talk to him ever again after what he did. So I’m at a loss what to do.

I’ve also started keeping a diary again. In a notebook. I’ve filled a third of the notebook in about a month. I’ve had a lot of thinking to do…Mostly about Bubblegum Boy. I’m not completely sure what I wanna do with us. He told me he knows what he wants but didn’t wanna talk about it over the phone.

Kyle moved to Italy for an exchange year and I’m actually missing him.

I spent the majority of the summer with two friends who don’t have names on this blog. Both of them deserve a post of their own though.

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Creepy Guys

I’ve had some less than fun experiences with guys who wanted to have sex with me this spring. One guy was especially creepy. We met up once and he spent the night at my place. Never again! At first it was just some minor things, like how I said I wanted the lights to be out before he tried to undress me. He didn’t listen. Guys who ignore the small things make me wary. What else will they ignore?

So I felt uncomfortable and when he unwrapped a condom without asking me if I wanted to have sex with him I told him that he would not be needing that condom. He took that to mean that we could have sex without one and tried. I told him that I didn’t want to have sex with him at all.

I was really tired so I kinda drifted off to sleep… And was jolted awake by a hand between my legs. That really creeped me out and I was too scared to fall asleep again after that.

I saw an episode of How I Met Your Mother about keeping someone on the hook. The person you mostly keep around cos they give you an ego-boost but you don’t really wanna be with them like ever. I’ve done that… And I’m never doing it again if I can avoid it. It’s really not nice… If you don’t like someone as much as they like you, let them go on with their life and maybe they can find someone who likes them back instead.

What do I want with my ex? I’m not completely sure… I know I love him. I know that I am in love with him. I know he loves me, but he is in love with someone else. And I wish he wasn’t. Hearing him talk about her hurts. I’m used to it being me he talked about that way. You know how people who are in love sound when they talk about the person they’re in love with… And I hate myself for being jealous.

I don’t want to be that person… That person who is head over heels for someone who doesn’t feel the same way. That person who is still crazy about her ex. That person who calls her ex, in the middle of the night, crying her eyes out cos she’s still in love with him. Makes me feel pathetic and like some psycho stalker ex.

I don’t know what exactly it is I want. I don’t really want to be part of a we… I just want to be with him. No labels, no rules… I don’t want to go back to how it was, I want something simple where the only thing that matters is that we care about each other.

I don’t know what I want, but I know what I can’t handle. I can’t handle being friends when I’m still in love with him. I can’t handle hearing him talk about her. I can’t handle thinking about him sleeping with her. I can’t handle the pain every time I think about him. And I highly doubt I can handle seeing him with her.

Pissed off Again…

Frog and the girl he is now dating has apparently been skipping the condoms since day one. He also had unprotected sex with some girl on new years eve. The one condition I had for me being ok with him having multiple partners was that he used condoms every time. Him and the girl he’s now dating has been having sex since mid-October. Oh, and somehow somewhere he got chlamydia again, so I was off to the clinic for the third time in as many months.

I don’t ever want to see him again.

I’m starting to regret ever meeting the guy.

Wednesday I was at this student pub. Frog was there as was a bunch of other people I know. Among them the girl he’s dating now. I had a lot of fun most of the night.. Then I found out something I think Frog should’ve told me months ago. Remember that bet we had? The one I won? He told me he lost by masturbating, turns out he lost by having sex with the girl he’s dating. While he was still on the antibiotics for the chlamydia. After they found out she tested positive, and before she got on antibiotics. I don’t care what he does, or what risks he takes. But he sure as hell can’t decide what risks I take. I’m not pissed that I got chlamydia from him, nor that he slept with her when he was supposed to be celibate. What I’m pissed about is that he didn’t tell me and that he lied to me when we were still having sex. Had we not had sex after that I wouldn’t have cared…

What he did says that he cares more about getting laid than he cares about giving me a choice to manage my risks.

When I found out what he had done I dragged him off the dance floor, pushed him up against a wall and slapped him. I haven’t actually hit someone in more than ten years. Screamed, pushed, almost hit, that I have done.. but I haven’t actually hit anyone since the time I beat up three guys who were mean to my brother when I was like ten.I’m still fucking pissed off at him. I really don’t know what to do right now. The girl he’s dating begged me not to cut contact with him. Apparently he cares about me. Apparently I mean a lot to him as a friend.

There is one reason and one reason only I’m not forcing him to be celibate right now (remember the bet?) and that would affect the girl he’s dating too much. And she is really nice. She deserves so much better than Frog. I feel sorry for her, I really do.. Cos this is not going to end well. Frog is too addicted to the validation he gets from girls he meets.

He actually made me cry…

Coward

Yesterday after having spent more than six hours at a caf√© with Green Fairy studying, drinking lot’s and lot’s of tea and talking, I had a lot of trouble winding down. So I ended up tagging along with Black Lotus, Cute Geek and a couple of their friends when they went out clubbing ^^

At the club I saw this really cute girl, but I was too scared to go up to her and say hi. After angsting about it for a while some guy started dancing with her and a while later I saw them making out :(

Just before we left Black Lotus literally dragged me up to her and made me say hi. She seemed nice too ^^ I just wish I’d had the guts to actually talk to her a bit earlier that night…