Tag Archive: trust


Where does the line go between “really good friend I’m completely in lust with” and “omfg, I think I’m falling for him” go? And if I figure out I’ve crossed the line, where do I go from there? Falling for a friend who doesn’t reciprocate those feelings can be really awkward, and in case I do fall for him I really don’t want to ruin the friendship. He’s one of the few people on this planet I really trust.

Advertisements

About four months ago I cheated on boyfriend. We broke up it but got back together about two weeks later. Obviously I had to regain boyfriend’s trust after what happened. I’m not sure he trusts me as much today as he did before I cheated on him… There was one positive thing with the whole cheating. I trust myself not to do it again.

Before I cheated I was so scared I’d go to far every time I spent time alone with someone I was attracted to and who was attracted to me. I was scared of what I might be capable of. Now I know that no matter how good the sex is it can never be good enough to outweigh the aftermath. It’s just not worth it.

I trust myself not to do anything if I can’t handle the downsides of my actions too. And I know that I can’t deal with all that guilt again. I know that no matter how bad it hurts breaking up with someone it’s better than cheating on them. Specially since cheating in my case would lead to breaking up.

Basically, even if boyfriend trusts me less after this I trust myself more.

The fact that a certain asshole didn’t listen when I said no will probably affect me for the rest of my life. But just cos I’ll never be able to forget doesn’t mean that I have to let it rule my life. I may not get any counceling, but I can deal on my own.

I still get flashbacks once in a while, but it doens’t happen as often. I haven’t had a flashback in a long time. I might still need to stop in the middle of sex, but I’ve learnt how I work. I can tell if I need to stop. If I start thinking about other things I need to stop. It’s got nothing to do with flashbacks and stuff like that, I’ve just figured out that what’s the point in going on if I’m not enjoying it?

I had to learn this the hard way. I got flashbacks every time I did go on when I’d rather stop. So at first I stopped to prevent getting flashbacks, now I stop cos I don’t see a point in going on. Sometimes I’ll still be interested in sex, and then we can just do something else.

I have a hard time trusting guys. I’ve been raped by one person and used by another one. I’ve had male friends betray my trust in other ways. I lot of my close friends have been raped. One of my male friends turned out to be a rapist. And that’s just what’s happened among the people I know. Right now the only guys I trust are my boyfriend, my brother and my best male friend (Tony). Big reason to why I trust Tony is cos he’s said things like “a potential one night stand has to be at least kinda sober cos I wanna be absolutely sure she wants to sleep with me” and he listened when I said no.