The reason me and (ex)boyfriend aren’t officially together is cos I’m scared. I’m scared of ending up like my mum. I’m also scared of this lasting the rest of my life.. Cos I feel like it could. I’m in love with him. Somtimes I still get those butterflies in my stomach. I really, really love him!

And why is staying together for the rest of our lies such scare me so much? Isn’t that what people want to find? Love… Love that lasts with an amazing person. And for me to just stumble upon a person I would stay together with for more than two years… Should’t I consider myself lucky?

Sometimes though, I’m not sure it’s even gonna last the week. How long is he gonna put up with the quasi-relationship? What would happen if I fell in love with another person? (It is possible to be in love with two people at once!) He would’t be ok with sharing me like that… He wants a serious monogamous relationship… I don’t even think he is really happy with what we’ve got now.

And then there’s the matter of my sexual orientation too… I know I’m attracted to girls, both physically and emotionally. If I fell in love I could have a relationship with a woman. The thing is, I’ve never done more than kiss a girl.. And I do want to explore that side of my sexuality. I want to sleep with a girl, maybe fall in love… I just can see how that would happen right now. I can’t see myself falling out of love with (ex)boyfriend anytime soon. He’s just too important to me to risk it.

So what the hell do I do?

Advertisements