This weekend has been anything but relaxing.

Friday night I went out clubbing with a guy I’ve met a couple of times before. He tried to get me drunk. When we left the place he seemed to think that I would go home with him, despite me having a boyfriend and despite me not having shown any interest in him. So on the way to the subway he more or less shoves me up against a wall and tries to make out with me. I push him off of me, and was too busy being angry to get scared. That’s basically the only good thing I can think of… I got angry and pushed him away from me^^ I still feel like it was some kind of rape attempt.

The day after I got out with another friend of mine. This time it’s an actual friend! She isn’t feeling too good and gets completely wasted. To the point that I was very happy to be there to make sure she didn’t wander off, get lost or fall in front of a train or something… She was basically to drunk to walk straight.

I ask her if she wants to go to my place or to her boyfriend-but-they-have-a-break’s place. Her place was out since we’d already missed the last bus there… She wants to go the kinda-boyfriend’s place, so we make our way to the commuter trains, and manage to get on the one leaving 11.10.

When we get to her kinda-boyfriend’s place she panics. She’s basically on the ground, shaking and hyper ventilating… So I try to get her up, but her bag (which I’ve been carrying) gets in the way so I throw it to the kinda-boyfriend of hers. Then I more or less drag her up to his apartment.

There I try to get her to breathe normally, and gradually her breathing slows down to normal. So I think she’s made some progress only to notice she isn’t breathing at all. She’s trying to suffocate herself by swallowing her tongue (which by the way is close to impossible, and the suffocating part is a very stupid way to kill oneself cos once she passes out it would be easy for us to keep her from dying… I thought of none of those things cos I was too busy trying not to panic and trying to get her to breathe).

In the end the kinda-boyfriend calls 112 (the Swedish equivalent to 911) and the cops arrive. By the time they arrive she’s breathing normally (I kinda guilt tripped her into it “Do you realise how hard it will be for me to call your best friend and tell her you killed yourself?”) Since she isn’t actively trying to comit suicide any longer and is still very wasted the only thing they would be able to do it put her someplace to sleep it off. Since she could do that just as well with us as in a cell they left.

She more or less passed out on the couch and me and the kinda-boyfriend tried to get some sleep.

The reason she’s so miserable is cos she was raped by her grandfather and she feels like she can’t tell anyone in her family. Her grandmother has had to husbands die and my friend feels like she couldn’t hurt her grandmother like that. Since she likes her grandmother she has to see her rapist way too often for her own good. On top of that she refuses to get help. She just unloads on her friend and will sooner or later push them all away. I know I can’t take another night trying to make her breathe…