Can you stay strong?
Can you go on?

Don’t waste your whole life trying
To get back what was taken away

The two-year anniversary of my rape is coming up. Actually, that’s plural since he did get his way more than once. July 5th was the first time and the 10th was the last time. Some stuff that was bordering on rape, but not completely happened on the 4th as well.

I get pissed off every time I think about that week. Pissed off at him for making me do stuff I didn’t want to do and pissed off at myself for not leaving. I stayed after he’d forced me to go down on him. I stayed after all the insults. I stayed…

One good thing is that I right now am more pissed off at him than on me. How the hell could he do that to me? I’m a person, a human being deserving at least some basic level of respect. I deserve to have my “no” respected. Cos I did say no at first… He called me silly. As if not wanting to choke on a penis is silly. Not wanting a given sexual activity is not silly!

He would not go down on a girl who hadn’t shaved her pubic hair, but refused to shave himself. I can understand disliking pubic flossing, but then he should’ve been prepared to shave himself. Either way he should’ve respected someone else’s right to refuse too! He shouldn’t have made me do the stuff he made me do! I shouldn’t even have had to say no. Just the absence of a clear, enthusiastic yes should’ve made him stop.

Fuck him! He doesn’t deserve my time… So why can’t I let go?