Bloody hell.

Not as bad as that time though.. I’m not really crying, my eyelashes are a dam. I can still see clearly.

I was supposed to see the Counsellor Lady last Tuesday. I called in sick and cancelled the appointment. I couldn’t deal with it… I’m still not sure I’ll be able to see her on Friday as I’m supposed to.

I need to deal with this shit, get on with my life, stop reliving it.
I need to really understand it wasn’t my fault.
I need to stop feeling ashamed of it.

Flashbacks are a pain. The worst thing is that the triggers aren’t consistent. Something will be triggering one day and not another. Some thing will trigger one time and then never again. Some things will trigger flashbacks most of the times, but I still keep hoping not this time.

I don’t know how the Counsellor Lady will help me since I can’t really tell her what hurts. In time I’ll hopefully be able to open up more, but it hurts so bad telling people what happened, and that’s with leaving out all details. How will I ever be able to consciously go through it with another person?

I’m still waiting for tomorrow
Tired of living in yesterday
I’ve been waiting
Waiting for the day I’d be over you