I just want to get over it.

I was trying to sleep but couldn’t stop crying. Still can’t… I need to talk about it but I can’t find the words to express the pain.

I technically said yes.
That makes it really hard for me to accept it was rape.
I technically agreed.
That makes it so hard to get over.
I technically consented.
That makes it feel like I can’t ever be free of it.

Some of the things I’m writing here I’ve never told anyone before. I don’t know how to and I’m so scared people will tell me it was not rape cos I technically said yes. If someone else told me it was just bad sex I’m not sure how I can make myself believe it really was rape.

Right now that lighter looks really tempting. It hurts so bad I just want it to go away.

I don’t know why this world keep turning
Round and Round
But I wish it would stop, and let me off right now

It started out voluntarily. I started out ok with it. I think…. Thinking back I’m not sure how much I was ok with it and how much I just made myself be ok with it to get it over and done with.

I technically said yes.

He didn’t want to do it on his bed cos it’d get dirty. On the floor it started out doggy-position but he pushed my head down… I hated every second of it and just wanted it to be over. It never hurt physically, but damn I felt used. Like an object, only there for his pleasure.

I just want to stop crying.

I’m still waiting for tomorrow
Tired of living in yesterday
I’ve been waiting
Waiting for the day I’d be over you

I can’t stop thinking about it, tiniest little detail will bring it all back. I was at a place and we sat on the floor and they had the mat felt the same way the one at his place did. I nearly freaked.

Something has been taken
From deep inside of me
A secret I’ve kept locked away
No one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show
They never go away
Like moving pictures in my head
For years and years they’ve played

I technically agreed to it…..

It’s easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It’s so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

I just want to get over it, make it go away, change the past… Anything that would take this pain away and dry these tears.

I got my period the second day I was there. He later told me that he’d just wanted to send me home when he found out.

I’d told him about a male friend that had fallen for me. The first day I used make up when I was there he said something about now he could see why anyone would fall for me.

That week has overshadowed all the nice things he’s ever done.. I can’t remember a single nice thing he’s done, not to me nor to anyone else. I just want to erase that bloody week from my memory, I don’t want to have to deal with it.

How can one week leave so deep wounds, ready to start bleeding for nothing?
How can one week affect my life so much?
How can one week ruin my life so much?
How can one little lonely week hurt so much?

I can’t deal with it….

I need help but can’t accept it.

If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would

I know rape survivors shouldn’t feel ashamed, but I do. I can’t get over the thought that I could somehow have prevented it from happening. Why didn’t I leave after he got mad at me for the train being late? Why didn’t I leave after the first insult? Why didn’t I leave after the first time he raped me?

Why?

Why can’t I accept that it wasn’t my fault? Why can’t I put the blame where it belongs?

Why did I say yes?

Why? Why? Why? So many questions, so few answers. At least I stopped crying now.

Or not… Bloody tears filling up my eyes. When will they stop?

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