Last summer I was raped. I have been very good at blocking it out and blaming myself, but I’ve recently started dealing with it. I sent in a question to Scarleteen, and I got the answer yesterday. I started crying. There were several reasons for that. I still partially blame myself, I’m so pissed off at him. He has no idea what he put me through.

I panicked yesterday, I was crying so hard I couldn’t see where I was going and was nearly run over by a car. I really wanted to talk to someone but boyfriend was at work and at first I couldn’t think of anyone else to call.

I managed to control the crying to the point where I could actually see anything and went through my phone book. I have over a hundred contacts in there so there just had to be someone I could talk to.

There was.

I don’t know why I didn’t think of Mary before I stumbled upon her name in my phonebook. I know she couldn’t judge me or somehow think it was my fault. I just didn’t have much money left on my phone so I sent her a text and asked her to call me, which she did.

I’m so happy I could call her. She asked that if what happened to me had happened to someone else, would I think the victim was somehow to blame. Of course I wouldn’t. It still feels a bit like my fault, but I still partially blame myself. I feel like there was something I could’ve done.

Anyway, I’ll learn to deal with it. And I have my friends and my boyfriend to help me cope.

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