cuddle

That ^ is what I want right now… Just a cuddle or a hug, preferably cuddling with boyfriend. I really miss him right now…

I also figured out a couple of reasons why I’m feeling sad today. I’ve been thinking too much about a certain thing that happened last summer. I just can’t stop thinking about it, regretting it, feeling ashamed about it. Truth is, it wasn’t all his fault. It’s partially my fault. It doesn’t make him less of an asshole, but it makes it impossible for me to completely blame him. He didn’t respect me saying no or my boundaries and because of that I don’t ever want to talk to him again. I just wouldn’t go as far as calling it rape. Well, maybe the oral sex since I really didn’t want to. That’s what I regret the most and what felt the most disrespectful.

Another reason is that some of my friends have stopped asking me when stuff like movie nights come up. Even if I’ve said I’m not doing anything the upcoming weekend and they have it planned I often won’t find out about it ’till the Monday after when I ask what they did over the weekend. Yes, I do have a boyfriend. Yes, I love spending time with him and want to see him as often as I can. But I do love spending time with my friends too and as it looks now I see them faaar to seldom.

I miss Vicky. I wish she’d call me sometime, cos I’ve given up calling her. She was one of the people who helped me survive my depression even if she doesn’t know that… It hurts having next to no contact with her. I can’t even remember the last time I called her, but she was playing WOW and apparently the game was more important than me… :(

Or it could all just be PMS.

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