I was looking at a profile of mine that hasn’t been updated since the last time I felt depressed. It was full of lyrics that I felt described me and how I felt. I’ve been reading them, and I still think the apply, just no exclusively like they did back then. Now they just apply some times. Those times are also getting fewer and further between.

So I thought I’d post them here and write a bit about it. I’m not really expecting people to read this, I just need to do it, for my own sake… I’m cutting of this post like this in case people don’t want to see a bunch of lyrics with my comment beneath.

“Will I just fall to pieces
Or am I alright?
These are my final words to you
I know you’re listening can you, hear me?
The time has come to say ‘goodbye’
These are my final words…. to you….”
Bullet for my Valentine

I still sometimes feel like I’ll fall to pieces, but I know someone will help me piece me back together again. I’m not completely on my own anymore.
The final words are still final. I won’t talk to him again. I tried and it so wasn’t worth it.

“Too many times that I’ve
Held on when I needed to push away
Afraid to say what was on my mind
Afraid to say what I need to say”
Linkin Park

I still have a problem speaking my mind when I should. Rather than trying to explain why I acted a certain way I just push it out of my mind. Same goes for when someone unintentionally hurt me. I usually won’t let them know and it eats me up from inside.

“Sometimes I remember the darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories I wish I didn’t have
Sometimes I think of letting go and never looking back
And never moving forward so there’d never be a past”
Linkin Park

First line is true, just look at this post. I don’t wish I didn’t have my darker memories. They are part of me as well. If it weren’t for some of them I’d be a completely different person. Two last don’t fit anymore.

“I don’t know how I got this way
I know it’s not alright
So I’m breaking the habit
I’m breaking the habit
Linkin Park

This was about the self-harm I remember. I didn’t manage to break that habit the night I put that part on one of my online profiles though. I really wish I had….

“Never gonna find me
Way down deep inside there is a real me
I‘m always gonna hide and this is who you‘ll see”

Semi-true. I hide the real issues I need to deal with from people I’ve just got to know.

“I‘m not asking a lot
I just don‘t want to be controlled
That‘s all I want
All I want”

Still true, even if it isn’t all I want. I can’t take people trying to control me, having me do what they want. I have a real hard time taking orders. Mis-phrased requests can make me mad sometimes…

“Losing the race against myself”
-The Offspring’

I don’t see life as a race anymore, but I still feel like I’m behind where I ought to be. Mainly talking school here. I feel like I’ve missed heaps in the two days I’ve been ill, I still sat reading a book during my free period today…

This entry is mainly for myself. I want to see how much better I’ve gotten in the past 370-something days or so since I posted that profile online.

Now I’m off to bed though. Night all