Sometimes I think boyfriend’s too good to be true. Specially since I actually have to think a bit to come up with negative sides of him and don’t have to think very hard to come up with something positive about him.

Then I think it over. Why would he be too good to be true? Wouldn’t it be more about me thinking he’s too good for me? Like I don’t deserve someone who is nice, respectful, good looking, great in bed and generally just wonderful.. So it’s not about him at all. It’s about my self esteem.

I can’t see myself as beutiful.. Pretty? Maybe.. But I don’t see myself as beautiful.

Some time ago I saw myself as ugly and if anyone complimented me on anything I’d think they were pulling my leg or something.
Then I started thinking. Would I ever say something nice, sound very much like I meant it and not mean it? Or just say it to make fun of the person?
Do I actually think anyone else would?
Not really.
So why would I think that people were lying when it came to me then?
Low self esteem. I couldn’t even see myself as OK-looking, so people calling me drop-dead gorgeous just HAD to be joking, right?

Once when I was sixteen I was half pressured into and half payed for wearing a pretty slutty clothes to a party a guy at school was throwing.
Everyone in the room just stared when I got there. Not cos I was super hot or anything, but cos they were so used to seeing me in baggy jeans and too big hoodies.
You know this cartoony look when the eyes nearly pop out and the chin is half-way to the knees? One guy there was probably the closest a real life guy could come to that.
He’d knows me in middle school and hadn’t seen me in a year (he was only there cos he was dating a classmate)
He’d never seen me without a two sizes too big hoodie and jeans that I could cut in half and use as skirts.
Now I was wearing a really short skirt, hooker boots and a halter neck.
Not to mention make up.

I though he was staring cos I looked hideous, but then my classmate and his girlfriend told me she was almost jealous cos he never looked at her that way.
My classmates also had a lot of fun making me test clothes I’d never wear in public in shops. Their reason? It was fun actually seeing me in clothes like that, and they actually thought I looked good in it. They told me I needed to stop hiding in my hoodie.

Nearly all the times I’ve actually felt bautiful has been related to how people have reacted to me.
When I was on vacation with my family there was this guy who stayed at the same hotel. He was always flirting with me and whatnot even though we didn’t speak the same language. He called me sexy more than once, and for once I actually felt sexy.

Then I turned 18, went to a club, went there some more times, met a guy, got together with him, broke up.
But we still met and what not, and I stayed at his place once in a while (like every weekend…) The biggest difference was that now we needed more of a reason to meet up than just “Well, we’re free and want to”. Also we didn’t make out and hug as much.
One of those times I was wearing a SHORT SKIRT along with a nice top to this club. And he had a pretty hard time taking his eyes of me for a few seconds.
And for once I actually felt beautiful.