Lyrics

A band with lyrics such as these  (BTW, those lines could be about reproductive rights in the US. At least in the crazy, pro-life, bible-thumping, republican places of the US):

Another tragedy in the news
Someone shooting down the right to choose
It doesn’t seem at all that they chose the right way
Another law I heard got passed today
Someone’s trying to take my rights away
It doesn’t seem to me they chose the right way
It’s out of my hands but stuck in my mind in time I find my spine
is crooked in design I want to be so much more

And who end another song with these stats:

According the department of justice
One out of five american women are victims of rape
Or sexual assult in their lifetime
25 percent of women report that they have been assualted
Or raped by their current or former partner
25 percent of students have been vistims of a violent crime
That took place in or around their school
8 hundred thousand sixth to twelth grade students
Carried a gun to their school last year
What’s going on?

And who have really good music to acompany the lyrics… Well, then can be nothing short of awesome! I think I have a crush on Zebrahead…

Song

I’m still in love with this song:

Reading

I’ve skimmed through most of my archives today. I found posts about painful things, posts about things I’d almost forgotten and was happy to find, a lot of posts on rape and stuff like that.

One of the most painful posts I’ve ever written was about the time I was raped. Back then I didn’t call it rape. I was in denial and blamed myself… I read a lot of very painful posts on that.

Another painful post was the first one I wrote about my eating disorder.

I remeber the summer before I turned ten. I was on a school trip to a city a few hours train-ride away and there was a pair of scales in the bathroom there. I was curious, so I checked to see how much I weighed. I was tweny-nine kilos. I nearly freaked out! That was SO MUCH in my eyes, when in reality it is as average as it gets. I refused dinner that nigh, first time of many I did that.

I also found happy posts, but for some reason those never seem to be able to cancel out all the pain.

I wrote on post about pro-lifers, and how the ones we got in Sweden are miles better than the nut cases over seas. I wrote about counselling and panic attacks and friends and crushes and partying. I had a lot of posts with lyrics in them cos I couldn’t find the right words on my own.

I’ve written a lot in the past year or so^^

Love

I really, really love Offspring’s new album. It’s really good :)

I’m in Love

Great song^^

Lyrics after the jump.

Hopefully Temporary

Maybe if my heart stops beating
It won’t hurt this much
And never will I have to answer
Again to anyone

Something is wrong… I can’t stay happy, I just end up feeling sad. It hurts. It hurts so bad. I just want to forget, live my life like it never happened, never hurt again.

I’ve hoped for change,
and it gets better everyday
I’ve hoped for change,
but still I feel the same

I just want to feel better. Is that so much to ask for? I want to change, I don’t like myself anymore, I don’t like who I’ve become. I don’t like who I am. I want change, not more bad feelings, nor more hurt.

Now I’m a walking contradiction
So tell me what’s wrong with this picture?
Cause anyone can see that this is only permanent
Temporary, so don’t hurt me this time

I sit here, afraid to fall asleep. I stay up ’till I’m exhausted. I don’t want to be awake, I just want to forget. I don’t want to live, I don’t want to die… I just want to be, be alone, be me, be happy. I don’t like who I have become, life is such a mess. Someone hates me.

Was This Written for Me?

This is a Danish song I found while running around on YouTube. I’m just going to say that I absolutely love it and based on the content it could almost have been written for me. She even looks a bit like me… She’s born in the same city as me too O.o

Lyrics and translation after the jump.

Great Song

I found this song on a blog when I was tagsurfing today… The song is really good! It’s one of those songs I just instantly fall in love with (other such songs are The Offspring’s The Kids Aren’t All Right, Can’t Repeat, Zebrahead’s Rescue Me, Hello Tomorrow, Adam Tensta’s My Cool, Bob Sinclair’s Sound of Freedom and various other songs… Actually, The Offspring and Zebrahead are two bands I’m in love with xD)

This is yet another song I’ve fallen in love with, Cruxshadows’ Birthday:

Lyrics after the jump.

Music

My favourite band is releasing a new album in a couple of days :D I’ve been waiting for this since their last album came out four years ago. I heard the first single yesterday <3 That’s happiness, pure happiness.

I love their lyrics, I love the music, I just love that band.

Lyrics

I’m in love with you,
And every little thing you do,
I’m in love with you,
Hey,hey,hey,
I’m in love with you,
Can’t take my eyes off you,
I’m in love with you!

These words are my own
They’re from my heart
I love you, I love you
That’s all I got to say, can’t think of a better way

And that’s all I got to say
I love you, is that okay…?

This Hurts so Bad

I just want to get over it.

I was trying to sleep but couldn’t stop crying. Still can’t… I need to talk about it but I can’t find the words to express the pain.

I technically said yes.
That makes it really hard for me to accept it was rape.
I technically agreed.
That makes it so hard to get over.
I technically consented.
That makes it feel like I can’t ever be free of it.

Some of the things I’m writing here I’ve never told anyone before. I don’t know how to and I’m so scared people will tell me it was not rape cos I technically said yes. If someone else told me it was just bad sex I’m not sure how I can make myself believe it really was rape.

Right now that lighter looks really tempting. It hurts so bad I just want it to go away.

I don’t know why this world keep turning
Round and Round
But I wish it would stop, and let me off right now

It started out voluntarily. I started out ok with it. I think…. Thinking back I’m not sure how much I was ok with it and how much I just made myself be ok with it to get it over and done with.

I technically said yes.

He didn’t want to do it on his bed cos it’d get dirty. On the floor it started out doggy-position but he pushed my head down… I hated every second of it and just wanted it to be over. It never hurt physically, but damn I felt used. Like an object, only there for his pleasure.

I just want to stop crying.

I’m still waiting for tomorrow
Tired of living in yesterday
I’ve been waiting
Waiting for the day I’d be over you

I can’t stop thinking about it, tiniest little detail will bring it all back. I was at a place and we sat on the floor and they had the mat felt the same way the one at his place did. I nearly freaked.

Something has been taken
From deep inside of me
A secret I’ve kept locked away
No one can ever see
Wounds so deep they never show
They never go away
Like moving pictures in my head
For years and years they’ve played

I technically agreed to it…..

It’s easier to run
Replacing this pain with something numb
It’s so much easier to go
Than face all this pain here all alone

I just want to get over it, make it go away, change the past… Anything that would take this pain away and dry these tears.

I got my period the second day I was there. He later told me that he’d just wanted to send me home when he found out.

I’d told him about a male friend that had fallen for me. The first day I used make up when I was there he said something about now he could see why anyone would fall for me.

That week has overshadowed all the nice things he’s ever done.. I can’t remember a single nice thing he’s done, not to me nor to anyone else. I just want to erase that bloody week from my memory, I don’t want to have to deal with it.

How can one week leave so deep wounds, ready to start bleeding for nothing?
How can one week affect my life so much?
How can one week ruin my life so much?
How can one little lonely week hurt so much?

I can’t deal with it….

I need help but can’t accept it.

If I could change I would
Take back the pain I would
Retrace every wrong move that I made I would
If I could take all the shame to the grave I would

I know rape survivors shouldn’t feel ashamed, but I do. I can’t get over the thought that I could somehow have prevented it from happening. Why didn’t I leave after he got mad at me for the train being late? Why didn’t I leave after the first insult? Why didn’t I leave after the first time he raped me?

Why?

Why can’t I accept that it wasn’t my fault? Why can’t I put the blame where it belongs?

Why did I say yes?

Why? Why? Why? So many questions, so few answers. At least I stopped crying now.

Or not… Bloody tears filling up my eyes. When will they stop?

Sometimes I Remember

Sometimes I remember
The darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories
I wish I didn’t have
Sometimes I think of letting go
And never looking back
And never moving forward so
There would never be a past

I’m Freaking Out

It’s no better today
I never thought it would end up this way
You’ve got something to say
Don’t want to hear it if it gets in my way

I was talking to a former classmate, Lina, today. She told me about her previous relationship. Her ex had raped her pretty brutally, much worse than what happened to me. Mentally I don’t know which one affected us the most, but at least I didn’t get any physical injuries.

After a while I kinda let slip about what happened to me. Not a lot of details, but pretty much the gist of it. She told me she was talking to this woman who was specialised in that field. Lina also asked if I wanted her to ask this woman to call me and set up an appointment cos it sounded like I needed to talk about what happened to me.

I won’t be able to pick up my phone if I don’t recognise the number. I’m not ready to talk about it yet… It’s freaking me out!

Another thing that is freaking me out is how many people I know that have been raped. In my mind it was never me or my friends who were raped, it was strangers, numbers in a list, faceless people in the newspapers. Never anyone I knew and definitely never me. I wasn’t a victim! I could say no, and if I was raped I’d report it to the police.

Well, that’s not really what happened is it?

“Hello Tomorrow”

I was listening to some music on my computer and all of a sudden this song turned up, Hello Tomorrow by Zebrahead. I really like that song. Partly I can relate to the lyrics, not in the sense that I’m trying to get over an ex. I’m trying to get over… well, I don’t really want to call it rape, but in a way I guess that’s what it was. I really didn’t want…

I can really relate to parts of the song. I’ve cut out parts of the lyrics, those parts that don’t relate to my situation, but kept the parts I relate to.

Nothing but good things are coming my way
If you are going please let me stay
You bring me down when I’m getting high
You turn me on I amplify
One Two Three! times you’ve broken me (Broken Me)

I won’t bleed like this forever
I’m down to ride but my wings are severed
Blindside blitz- evacuation
I’m stuck in hell your on vacation
One Two Three! times you’ve broken me (Broken Me)

I’ve been waiting
Waiting for the day
I’m still waiting for tomorrow
Tired of living in yesterday
I’ve been waiting
Waiting for the day I’d be over you

Oceans, devotions, these notions run dry
Floating away and I don’t know why
Spend all my days in a bottle thinking
You’re like an anchor got me sinking
One Two Three! times you’ve broken me (broken me)

Say good-bye now and mean it forever
Got to move on and keep it together
Forget the things that you’ve said and you’ve done
That’s in the past, here comes the sun
One Two Three! times you’ve broken me (broken me)

I’ve been waiting
Waiting for the day
I’m still waiting for tomorrow
Tired of living in yesterday
I’ve been waiting
Waiting for the day I’d be over you

He might not be an ex-boyfriend, but he is an ex-friend. He was my best friend and he hurt me so badly. He hurt me worse than anyone else ever have… He was the person I trusted the most and he broke that trust badly! The way he acted made me see that he had not really earned my trust. When I looked back at the years I’d known him… He had not always acted as a friend.

He’s is one of the few people I’ve been in a serious physical fight with, he told me I was silly for trusting people (I was silly trusting him!), I was stupid for not realising [insert some lie about someone I loved], it was my own fault if I got hurt by something he said since it was just a joke.

Another thing that made me realise that he had never been a good friend was meeting boyfriend. No matter what happens with us, I’ll never regret meeting him, I’ll never regret trusting him, I’ll never regret getting together with him, I’ll never regret sleeping with him.

No matter what happens he made me happier than ever, he never ran away when I needed him, he never put me down, he never lied to me about people I love, he never hurt me intentionally.

Not matter what happens, I’ll always remember the good times we had, the times he made me laugh, the times he dried my tears and made me smile again, the times he told me I meant more to him than anyone else, the times he hugged me.

I guess I’m just trying to say that I love boyfriend with all my heart. I love him more than I’ve ever loved anyone before and I’m so happy he is part of my life.

Lyrics for Descriptions (kind of a rant)

I was looking at a profile of mine that hasn’t been updated since the last time I felt depressed. It was full of lyrics that I felt described me and how I felt. I’ve been reading them, and I still think the apply, just no exclusively like they did back then. Now they just apply some times. Those times are also getting fewer and further between.

So I thought I’d post them here and write a bit about it. I’m not really expecting people to read this, I just need to do it, for my own sake… I’m cutting of this post like this in case people don’t want to see a bunch of lyrics with my comment beneath.