Hopefully Gone

I just took the last of the pills I got to get rid of the chlamydia. In three weeks or so I’ll get tested again to make sure I really got rid of the infection. It would suck if I just assumed that I’d gotten rid of it and somehow the antibiotics didn’t work. Would hate to accidentaly infect someone >< or someone more in case I did infect someone before I found out I had it… Even though I think I got it from Frog it could’ve been the other way around. Worst case I got it from Batman and in that case I’ve had it since may-ish.

Coward

Yesterday after having spent more than six hours at a café with Green Fairy studying, drinking lot’s and lot’s of tea and talking, I had a lot of trouble winding down. So I ended up tagging along with Black Lotus, Cute Geek and a couple of their friends when they went out clubbing ^^

At the club I saw this really cute girl, but I was too scared to go up to her and say hi. After angsting about it for a while some guy started dancing with her and a while later I saw them making out :(

Just before we left Black Lotus literally dragged me up to her and made me say hi. She seemed nice too ^^ I just wish I’d had the guts to actually talk to her a bit earlier that night…

Thoughts on Reactions

On Batman’s reaction to me testing positive for chlamydia… If he tests positive there is no way in hell he got it from me. I tested negative around the time I was seeing him, and the only other people I slept with before him was my ex and E. My ex wasn’t sleeping with anyone but me and hadn’t for more than two years. He’d also tested negative after he started seeing me. E tested negative two months ago (so several months after we had sex). So if Batman tests positive it’s more likely that he gave it to me than the other way around.

So yeah, he’s got no reason to be pissed off!

fuckfuckfuck

I tested positive >< Fucken great…

I was there to tell them all the people I’ve slept with since I got tested the last time… Was about seven and I had names and phone numbers and addresses and birthdays for pretty much all of them xD Oh, and I had been really good with condoms too. The nurse said that I had been really unlucky ><

FUCK!!

Frog just got his results from his last STI-screening. He tested positive for chlamydia… I really hope I’m still clean.

The Talk

I had “the talk” with Frog this weekend. The “what are we to each other” and “where are we headed”.

None of us are ready for relationships. None of us are completely over our exes. Both of us have some trouble with monogamy (me more than him though, he’s said that he could be monogamous but for him to be that it would have to be mutual or else he might get jealous).

Oh, and labels scare us both.. so we’ll go on like we’ve done so far ^^

Fuck!

This guy showed up under “suggestions” on facebook. Apparently we have 26 friends in common on facebook. ><

Birthday x2 + some drama

Thursday was both Black Lotus’ and Frog’s birthday. On Friday we threw a surprise party for Black Lotus. On Saturday both of them were going clubbing so I didn’t know whos party to go to. I texted a bit with Cute Geek (who’s really good friends with Black Lotus) and some of the things he said made me kinda pissed off and worried that he was jealous. I don’t do jealousy!

Anyway, since I’d been to Black Lotus’ surprise party I decided to go to Frog’s party. I had a lot of fun there, when I wasn’t thinking about Cute Geek’s maybe-jealousy. After a while we headed out to a club and a while after we got there I spotted Black Lotus and his friends too! Both groups of people ended up at the same place :D

My only worry was that Cute Geek would get hurt or that I wouldn’t know what to do with both guys I’m seeing right now at the same place. Cute Geek wasn’t with Black Lotus though… And they didn’t even know if he was going to show up. So I had a lot of fun dancing and drinking and making out and stuff like that ^^

Then Cute Geek showed up and was super drunk. Drunk enough to be really annoying and kinda clingy. So I kinda avoided him a bit to be honest. Usually I really like that guy, yesterday I was mostly just annoyed.

I went home with Frog, and we were supposed to just sleep but of course we ended up having sex. We pretty much always have sex when we see each other. The only times we haven’t had sex has been when we’ve been in public and once we came close anyway xD

This morning I got a text from Cute Geek saying sorry, and on my way home from Frog we talked on the phone and I told him why I was annoyed. He said that he hadn’t been jealous, but I’m not completely sure I believe him ><

About an hour ago someone rand my door bell and when I opened the door there was a vodka bottle with water and a rose in it. Attached to the rose was a card saying “[Mortality], Sorry”. When I looked out on the street I saw a car I recognised as his leaving.

Consent

I read this post over at Abyss2Hope and started thinking of different non-verbal ways of consent. Cos there are a bunch of different ways to get and give consent other than straight out asking.

If I want to sleep with a guy one of the most common ways I’ll ask if he wants to is to pretty much give him a condom when I think it’s time to use one. In my book doing that is pretty much the same as saying “hey, I wanna have sex with you”. And if the guy puts the condom on I’d say he’s consenting. Or if the guy brings the condom and asks me to help put it on, me putting it on is a form of consent.

Of course consent has to be freely given as well, so if any kind of pressure/coercion/guilt tripping is involved it nullifies the supposed consent.

Why I’m not Talking to Paul Anymore

Paul says (11:54):
the thing is i like you.. and i was only with you till this weekend when i gave up the thought that you were gonna be only with me
but.. it doesn’t matter if i’m with other people, it’s still hard hearing about how you see other guys
guess you could call it jelousy
Mortality says (11:55):
i didn’t have sex with anyone else ’till i got those texts actually
Paul says (11:55):
feels too late to be “just friends”
Mortality says (11:55):
ok
Paul says (11:56):
was it because of the texts or would you have anyway?
Mortality says (11:56):
i don’t know
Paul says (11:56):
ok
Mortality says (11:56):
i’ve m made out with other people tho
Paul says (11:57):
yeh
but that doesn’t bother me
it’s a difference sleeping [as in sleeping not sex] with other guys
Mortality says (11:57):
just sleeping as in sleeping doesn’t mean sex in my world
Paul says (11:57):
it does in mine
Mortality says (11:58):
just cos i’ve spent the night with a guy friend doesn’t mean i’ve has sex with them
Paul says (11:58):
no, but it’s on the same level anyway
with or without sex, not that big of a difference
Mortality says (11:58):
to me it is
i have to many guy friends
Paul says (11:59):
nah >,<
but you don’t have to share a bed with them
i don’t share a bed with my guy friends
your guy friends aren’t just friends to you, they are a way to not be alone and a way to suck out closeness/love from them
Mortality says (12:00):
a lot of them are nothing more than friends
Paul says (12:00):
been there done that.. and i have a lot of friends who do the same
Mortality says (12:00):
i just happen to like hugs and cuddling
Paul says (12:00):
that’s what i meant..
“hugs and cuddling”
Mortality says (12:00):
that means i like hugs, nothing more!
Paul says (12:01):
others call it “slutty” i call it a constant need of closeness.. you dull the loneliness with a lot of different guys you like to “cuddle with” and i smoke weed or get drunk instead… same same
Mortality says (12:01):
you know what?
i think it’s a good idea not to see each other anymore
Paul says (12:01):
true
Paul says (12:02):
delete from msn too?
Mortality says (12:02):
do that.. don’t think i want to talk to you again anyway… i just end up getting hurt
Paul says (12:02):
ok
take care..

And that is the last we said before deleting and blocking each other from our msn lists.

Drunk Texting

Text conversation between me and Paul last night:
Paul: Come over and sleep?
Me: I’m with a friend.. Rain check?
Paul: Fu
Me: …
Paul: I’m sleeping with another girl instead. At least!
Me: be my guest
Paul: Stop bothering me, I’m fucking

It should surprise no one that I wasn’t very happy with those texts. A few minutes ago Paul got online on msn and IMed me.

Paul: Hey babe!
Me: hi
Paul: How are you?
Me: Fine
Paul: nice
Paul: what have you been up to this weekend?
Me: movie night friday, seeing friends on saturday
Paul: ok
Paul: sounds nice
Me: you?
Paul: Partied hard
Paul: Friday preparty at my place and then clubbing, saturday my uncle’s 50th
Me: k
Paul: You’re really short with me today
Me: maybe
Paul: why??
Paul: Annoyed with me? :o
Me: maybe a bit
Paul: Why?
Me: might just overreact
Paul: maybe.. but what was there to overreact about?
Me: how drunk were you yesterday?
Paul: enough
Paul: but how would you’ve noticed that?
Me: check your outbox in your cell
Paul: oh
Paul: oops
Paul: why would I write that?!?

So he basically didn’t even remember… And now I don’t know what to do…

Too Much at Once

My dad is visiting Denmark. My grandmother (his mother that is, not my mum’s mother) is in the hospital and might be dying. She took the death of her son very hard.  So she gave my dad money for a ticket so he could come visit.

I really hope she’ll be ok ><

Then I got an e-mail from my dad where he apologised for forgetting my birthday. Apparently he’ll come visit Sweden as well when he’s “in the “neighbourhood”. He said he’s gotten me a gift and I’m still not sure I can handle seeing him. I’m still mad, and a head on collision with a truck is not an apology for the way he’s acted. He won’t even admit that he ever did anything wrong!

*panics*

School

I’m back from school. Today consisted of two two.hour-lessons one after the other. So basically a four hour lesson. Then I found some of my “kids”, among them Raven. I ended spending four more hours alternating between studying, helping Raven and one more of my “kids” with their school-work and just talking. We had a pretty good discussion on rape and the legal aspect of the rape laws in Sweden.

When it comes to rape and other sex crimes I like Raven’s opinions and thoughts. How often do you hear a guy talking about how society is pretty patriarchal and that the only ones who can stop rape is other men? Usually when I discuss rape and stuff like that and it’s me and two guys those two will “gang up” on me. Today it was me and Raven “ganging up” on the other guy xD

The other guy said something about how people make it about gender when the criminals are individuals or something like that… Both me and Raven said that rape is more than just the individual crimes committed by individual rapists against individual victims. It’s bigger than that. It’s how this society is formed.

I so have a crush on Raven xD

Not a Good Idea Right Now

Raven is smart, good looking, funny, and when I told him about a guy who tried to kiss me and said something about it not being that bad… Can you guess what he said?

Invading personal space is invading personal space!

I haven’t heard him say one victim blaming thing when it comes to stuff like rape and sexual assault. The way he talks about sex and sexuality in general makes me wanna jump him. No victim blaming, no power tripping, no “getting some” when he talks about having sex with someone. According to him sex is a great when shared.

Oh, and to top it of he’s half icelandic! That’s fucken awesome!

This is so a guy I could fall seriously in love with.

Staying

Wifey’s mum kicked her out a few months ago and she’s been staying with friends ever since. Now she has two nights with no where to stay so I told her she could stay here.