Coward

Yesterday after having spent more than six hours at a café with Green Fairy studying, drinking lot’s and lot’s of tea and talking, I had a lot of trouble winding down. So I ended up tagging along with Black Lotus, Cute Geek and a couple of their friends when they went out clubbing ^^

At the club I saw this really cute girl, but I was too scared to go up to her and say hi. After angsting about it for a while some guy started dancing with her and a while later I saw them making out :(

Just before we left Black Lotus literally dragged me up to her and made me say hi. She seemed nice too ^^ I just wish I’d had the guts to actually talk to her a bit earlier that night…

Exam coming up ><

Got an exam soonish >< *panics*

The Talk

I had “the talk” with Frog this weekend. The “what are we to each other” and “where are we headed”.

None of us are ready for relationships. None of us are completely over our exes. Both of us have some trouble with monogamy (me more than him though, he’s said that he could be monogamous but for him to be that it would have to be mutual or else he might get jealous).

Oh, and labels scare us both.. so we’ll go on like we’ve done so far ^^

Safe

Right now I don’t feel completely safe with Frog. He says that he likes me “maybe a bit too much” but he isn’t very good at showing it. He also doesn’t notice when he’s pushing my boundaries until he’s crossed them and I get pissed off.

So I’m going to talk to him about it, and if it doesn’t get better I’m not gonna see him as much. If he can’t respect me and my boundaries it doesn’t matter how much fun we have at other times.

Chance Meeting

Today I woke up at 4-5AM with a UTI >< About eleven I had a doctors appointment to get antibiotics prescribed. Since the closest pharmacy to me was closed I had to go to the next closest. About a block from that pharmacy is the only place in Stockholm where I know they sell Cherry Cola. On my way to the shop I bumped into Raven.

We talked for a while about school stuff and then he asked me where’d I’d been hiding.
“I used to bump into you at school like every day and now I hardly see you…”

I ended up skipping school and spend a couple of hours studying at his place and discussion sexual assault laws in Sweden and Israel. I had a lot of fun actually :D I like his opinions when it comes to sex crimes :)

Consent

I read this post over at Abyss2Hope and started thinking of different non-verbal ways of consent. Cos there are a bunch of different ways to get and give consent other than straight out asking.

If I want to sleep with a guy one of the most common ways I’ll ask if he wants to is to pretty much give him a condom when I think it’s time to use one. In my book doing that is pretty much the same as saying “hey, I wanna have sex with you”. And if the guy puts the condom on I’d say he’s consenting. Or if the guy brings the condom and asks me to help put it on, me putting it on is a form of consent.

Of course consent has to be freely given as well, so if any kind of pressure/coercion/guilt tripping is involved it nullifies the supposed consent.

Over

I was reading some old post from my archive when this post showed up. This year the anniversary didn’t bother me at all! I didn’t even think about it… That stuff doesn’t affect me as much as is used to, and I think that’s really great.

It still affects me, but not like it used to do. For a while it felt like the rape defined me. I was That Girl. The one who was raped. Now I have so many other things to define me. Things that are my own choice and not something someone else did to me. Things that matter for who I am as a person.

Night

I love being up at night. Sometimes I like partying all night with fun people, sometimes I just want to watch some TV-series from episode one to the season finale. Sometimes I’m up all night finishing an essay due in the next day. Even that can be fun with the right people online on msn.

I can count the times I’ve been up early enough to see the sunrise on my fingers. Most of those times was in the winter when the sun rises around 8-9AM. I’ve long ago lost count of the times I was up late enough to see the sun rise. Even in winter time.

I’ve never really been scared of the dark.

I love walking around in the city at night. Alone or with the right company doesn’t matter. I feel free walking around at night. Just as I never really was scared of the dark I’ve never really been scared of the stereotypical rapist jumping out from behind a dark corner to abduct me. It just didn’t occur to me that I should be.

I love the night.

Safe

For some reason I’ve always felt safe with Kit, like I can tell him pretty much anything and he won’t get hurt or judge me.  With most people I censor myself somewhat, even with (ex)boyfriend.* It feels nice to be able to say whatever comes to mind without worrying about how someone will take it.

*Who still needs a proper name ><

Privilege

I’m cis, white, middle class and able bodied. I’m also female and non-straight. The non-straight part don’t show up that much, even though I consider myself out. I’m female in the lest unequal country in the world according to some list (Sweden) so I don’t get mistreated as much as a lot of other women across the world do. If I get pregnant and don’t want to be it wouldn’t be a problem for me to get an abortion. I won’t get asked why I want it, I’ll get asked if Monday 2 o’clock is a good time or if I prefer Tuesday morning.

I can ignore trans issues and it won’t really affect my life. I can be completely ignorant about racial issues and just cos I’m not joining white supremacist groups I’m seen as a nice little white girl. That I can spell my name in sign language is always seen as a very positive thing when I meat deaf people. That I acknowledge that I had it easier than they did makes people from other socio-economic classes less lucky than me see me as a good person. Or at least heaps better than those crazy right-wing people who thinks being poor means that you’re lazy and if we just spent less money on welfare they’d go out and get a better paying job.

That’s all privilege and I guess I’m pretty lucky with the where, when and to whom I was born.

Time

I haven’t taken the time to actually think about the break up this time… The past few times we broke up I pretty much broke down for a week after as well. This time I more or less went on with my life as if nothing had happened, not thinking about it.

Typically me… Avoiding things. I tend to avoid things that hurt, things that annoy me, things that I don’t want to think about. And this… this hurts. I don’t want to think about breaking up. So I avoid thinking about it… It’s not the first time we break up, but it feels a lot more final than all the other times.

I feel like I shouldn’t write about it here, but this has always been my place to vent. I don’t want to lose that out of fear of hurting someones feelings. And I don’t want to lose him. That would be a million times worse than losing some small corner of cyber-space. I can always set up a new blog… It’s not that hard (the several I already have should be proof enough). But if he decides he doesn’t want to stay friends after all… I wouldn’t know what to do.

Take You’re Bloody Pills!

Tony has been forgetting his anti-depressants these past few days… And yesterday he was feeling really down. So I went over to his place. Apparantly he thinks that I’m “too nice” and he apologised profusely for what I have to go through for our friendship.

I’m not that nice… I just care about him. And I hope that if I’m really sad some day I’ll have a friend who is there for me…

Study Technique

The way I study:

First I read all the books, articles, and court cases we’re asked to read. This generally takes a while, since we get a bunch of books for each corse. Usually it will be about 100-150 pages a day if I spread it out like that. I usually read a lot some days and next to nothing other days. I try to get weekends off.

Then I’ll get hold of old exams so I can try and answer the questions and see how good I am. I tend to get better for each exam I try :)

Parallely with these things I tend to try and explain the things I’m supposed to learn about. I’ll tell (ex)boyfriend, Roomie, Batman, Tony and pretty much anyone who’s willing to listen pretty much all about it. If I can explain the jurisdiction of the International Criminal Court so someone who is not studying law, then I can be pretty sure that I know how it works.

Yeah, I’ve calmed down a bit since my last post^^

Straight Club

So on Wednesday last week I was at a gay club, and on Friday I went to a straight club. I wasn’t going to go out that night, but both Pixie and Tony was nagging on me to go out. They just broke up “for good” and in the end I got ready and went out. I got there about 11.30PM and Pixie came and met me by the door. I wasn’t really in a good mood to start with and when she and Tony were mutually ignoring each other and both wanting to hang out with me my mood didn’t get any better.

At one point I kinda fled and one of the bouncer dudes asked me if I was ok. I told him I was fine… He told me that I seemed upset and asked if anything had happened. So I told him I had two friends who’d just broken up and that I was just generally not in a good mood and that the next person who looked at me the wrong way might just end up getting punched.

“But you won’t hit me, will you?” Bouncer Dude asked me.

“Nah, not worth an assault charge,” I told him. “And you might hit me back.”

He told me there was two reasons he wouldn’t hit me back: I was wearing a lot of eye-liner and it looked good and he thought I was a good dancer. And cos he’s been working with go-go dancers for years I should take that as a compliment. I did.

When Pixie is feeling down she drinks. A lot! So in the end I called her roomie to ask him to come get her. I was worried she wouldn’t make it home alright on her own. She was so drunk she might just get on the wrong bus, fall asleep and lose her bus card or something…

For some reason Tony said there’d be an after-party at his place… And for some reason I ended up going there. Let’s just say this is how much I’m willing to talk about that after-party right now.

Thread

This thread over at Scarleteen made me think a bit. I wonder what the best way to deal with rape-apologists would be. I tend to deal with rape apologists by getting mad… Not sure if that’s a good way or not.

When I get comments from people excusing some kinds of rape I don’t let that comment through my moderation queue. If the comment is short and ignorant and clearly just out to get me mad I just delete it and forget about it. If the commenter is ignorant and thinks they are helping me I tend to write a long rambling post in reply to tell them exactly why they are wrong.

How do you deal with those idiots?