Best Text Ever

From Ninja today:

Hey baby. Thank you for being you. For having ben there through my ups and downs. Listening to me go on and on about everything under the sun. Thank you for giving me butterflies, for your sweet lemon dextro energy kisses. Your love, laughter and stunning personality. Having you as a best friend is something to cherish and take pride off. Thanks you thank you for letting me be such a big part of your life. I leave my heart with you here in sweden…Well whats left of it anyways. I love you my beautiful. Missing you already. Dont you ever dare to change, you are perfect in every way, baby.

I’m gonna miss her like crazy!!! Fuck I love that girl!

Too Much at Once

My dad is visiting Denmark. My grandmother (his mother that is, not my mum’s mother) is in the hospital and might be dying. She took the death of her son very hard.  So she gave my dad money for a ticket so he could come visit.

I really hope she’ll be ok ><

Then I got an e-mail from my dad where he apologised for forgetting my birthday. Apparently he’ll come visit Sweden as well when he’s “in the “neighbourhood”. He said he’s gotten me a gift and I’m still not sure I can handle seeing him. I’m still mad, and a head on collision with a truck is not an apology for the way he’s acted. He won’t even admit that he ever did anything wrong!

*panics*

BEST BIRTHDAY EVER!!

Yesterday was my 21st birthday and I had a BLAST! :D

The day started with a school lesson. Black Lotus showed up and I got a hug :D

After lunch a day full of activities/competitions between groups for the new students started. We started of meeting up our group in a classroom and another guy who’s also a student mentor had them all sing happy birthday for me :D During the day I got a bunch of birthday wishes and “my kids” did really well in the competitions too ^^

My grandparents managed to time in the five minutes that I wasn’t busy to call and wish me a happy birthday too and I got a bunch of texts :D

When we went to have dinner there’d been a mix up in the kitchen so there was no food for me. Due to lack of sleep and being really hungry that nearly made me cry, so one of my kids asked all of the others to help get enough money to buy me dinner. So everyone gave some change and in the end there was enough :D That really made my day ^^ <3 my kids.

When we got back from 7eleven, where me and the guy who’d started collecting the money for my dinner (Raven) had gotten my food, another guy who’s also a student mentor along with me made EVERYONE in there sing for me :D That was our group of kids along with ten other groups and ~60 student mentors.

After dinner I said I was going to crash Linda’s party cos she’d hi-jacked my birthday. I ended up dragging Raven along too. Turns our him and Daisy’s boyfriend are really good friends.

The pre-party, as it turned out to be, was at Photo Guy’s place and a bunch of people I know were there.  Poi Girl (who will be Wifey from now on) and Nellie were among the ones there that have aliases here. When we got to the club Pixie was there and a bit later a guy I started talking to last weekend who seems pretty cool also turned up. He’ll be called Paul from now on. Pink and Kleptomaniac also turned up.

Daisy’s boyfriend is really cool by the way. I talked to him some yesterday and I’m really happy for Daisy. I don’t think she’s ever had a boyfriend who was actually good for her before.

That night consisted of a lot of drinking and dancing and making out for me. Everyone bought me drinks cos it was my birthday and I made out with a lot of my friends. The only person I made out with whom I really shouldn’t have made out with was Raven. I’m his student mentor >< We are kinda friends though and he’s really good friends with Daisy’s boyfriend and he’s actually almost a year older than me so I think it’s ok anyway ^^ And dancing really makes me feel good :D There is this feeling that I pretty much only get when I’m on the dancefloor :D

I ended up staying the night at Raven’s place cos he lived really close to the club. We didn’t have sex though so I’ve still never had sex on my birthday :D

This Was Not Supposed to Happen

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck… Why? This has never happened before, so why now? Why?

(For anyone who’s gonna worry, this is just me overreacting. I’ll be fine after a good night’s sleep)

Promises

I had a minor (or major, not sure which) mental break-down tonight… I called Bubblegum Boy and texted a lot with Emo Boy and I think I’m alright now.

I made Bubblegum Boy a promise. I promised that I wouldn’t drink anything with alcohol, sleep with anyone and I wouldn’t jump infront of a train. Now I’m home alone, sober and uninjured.

Fail at Life

Most of the time I feel completely wiped out… Even if I haven’t done anything. I can sleep up to fifteen hours in a day, I have trouble getting up in time for work when I start at 1PM. My room is a mess, my life is a mess…

It’s not that I don’t want to do anything, I just can’t really find the energy to do anything. Most days I ddon’t get out of bed untill 3ish, I can’t even remember when I last actually cooked for myself. I need to study, I need to do better at work, I need to get out more… So why do I feel sooo tired all the time? It’s like nothing really matters anymore.

All I do is sit at home, sleeping too much, doing too little and generally just feel like crying…

This post was meant to be longer…

Fuck

I told Tony that until he can act like a friend he should’t bother contacting me. I can’t even remeber the last time he called me just cos it was a long time since the last time we met… I can’t remember the last time I met him when it wasn’t us happening to be at the same fuking nightclub.

I know he’s  had a rough time (heck, I’ve gone over to his place in the middle of the fucking night a couple of times) but I need to take care of myself too. I can’t just be there for him when he needs me if he’s never gonna be there for me when I need him. And right now I need to talk to someone, and I tied calling him. He didn’t pick up. So I called Pixie and aparantly I’m being ditched for World of fucking Warcraft. And I’m not doing that again.

Don’t Like Drama? Stay away from me…

Yeah… what do I say… I love (ex)boyfriend. I really do… and I like this guy I met over the weekend. A classmate of mine had a party and I was invited. Aparantly it’s a good thing that I like video games :P (The guy I kinda like is the person who made my new header as well)

I get on really well with him and I know that however I solve this mess I’m going to want to stay friends.

Oh, and for everyone who is going to tell me to talk to (ex)boyfriend, I already did. For like three hours. We nearly broke up… Again. Next time we actually do break up I think it’ll be for good. I can’t be sure though :P We decided to not break up tonight at least and I’ll try to find a way to fix this shit…

The guy I kinda likes needs an alias though…

[Mortality] says (01:00):
If you could chose your alias on my blog, what would it be?
[what should I call him?] says (01:01):
bdw, I have to admit that I know the name of your blog -.-
[what should I call him?] says (01:01):
you need to censor stuff better
[Mortality] says (01:01):
it’s ok..
[Mortality] says (01:01):
I’ve beem thinking about giving you the adress, so…
[what should I call him?] says (01:01):
BATMAN!

So I guess Batman it is :P

Seriously… I hardly ever fall for people. Like almost never. I tend to shut down feelings that don’t go well with my plans. And kinda falling for someone was definitely not something I’d planned on >< Well, well… I guess I just need to figure out what to do. At least everyone involved knows what’s going on.

I’m so calling Pixie tomorrow! And I really need to sleep…. It’s 1.30 in the morning and I’ve got school tomorrow. And I was going to go to bed early tonight!!

What Happened

Yesterday I had an exam in school, so I had to turn off my mobile. When I’m done with my exam and turn on my phone again I see a text message from my mum. It said “call me, it’s important” and nothing more. She never texts me, she calls! So I try and call her only to get a busy signal.

Then I see that she’s also left a voice message saying pretty much the same thing, and from her tone I got really worried.

When I finally got through to her about five minutes later I was waiting with a classmate for another of our classmates. Mum asked if I was sitting down, and then told me that my father and stepmum had been in a car accident. A serious one.. And asked me to come home.

So I got home as soon as I could and we called the hospital again. A woman who was there with them told us that it had been a head on collision with a truck. My dad had broken ribs, other broken bones, scull fractures, punctured lung, damaged liver and probably other things I can’t remember. I had been in a coma, but was now only unconscious.My stepmum was a lot less injured and she was concious and they were operating on her when we called. She was having reconstructive surgery cos she’d got her face smashed up. So she’ll survive, and at most get a couple of scars.

The hospital they are in a a good one, and he’ll most likely survive. I really hope he does… It’s a lot easier to be pissed off at him than worried.

My Dad

Longer entry with details will come later, short version: my dad has been in a car accident (head on collision with a truck) and is currently on life support. They say that he proably will survive but they can’t promise anything.

My Valentine’s Day

I did not have a nice day yesterday… I woke up about 40 minutes away from home.  That wasn’t so bad, but I did have to get home… And I was in pain. Like very much pain  >< Stupid UTI!!!

So I get home… And it feels like I have to pee like every five minutes… And every time I pee I feel like I’m going to die. I’ve had UTIs before, but none as bad as this one. The pain actually made me CRY! That doesn’t happen… Physical pain don’t make me cry! Failing tests and the scene when Mufasa dies in the Lion Kind makes me cry… Physical pain hardly ever makes me cry! And it hurt a lot like all the time too…

So in the end I call the local hospital. They have an appointment for me.. At 8PM, so I had to wait several hours, in pain, to see a doctor.

At least (ex)boyfriend came over. And I got some anti-biotics… I’m still in pain, but today it’s bearable and tomorrow or the day after it should be gone.

Why does it have to be so hard?

Why does it have to be so hard to break up? Why do I have to be so sad and miss him so much? Why do I have to feel so guilty about it? I keep asking myself if maybe, if I’d tried a little harder, could I’ve made it work? And why didn’t it work anyway? What went wrong? What did I do wrong?

How will I ever be able to fall in love knowing I will sooner or later end up here? How can something that was so right go so wrong? What happened?

Why does it have to hurt so bad? I really hope the person who said it was worse to be dumped than to dump someone was wrong! Cos if he is hurting worse than this… I won’t ever be able to fogive myself! It’s bad enough that I cheated on him… Why did I do that anyway? What good did it do me?

Miss him…

We broke up… I feel really horrible, cos I don’t think I’ve ever seen him that sad. He was crying! I don’t think I’ve ever seen him cry before…

I miss him so much it hurts. I just want to go back to when everything between us worked! When everything was fine and I wasn’t such an idiot… I just wish I could be as much in love with him as he is in me.

I just really hope I won’t regret this. I really hope that we can be friends if he gets the time he needs… That I won’t discover that I’m still in love with him when it’s too late to fix it.

I just really hope that he will be happy soon… And I hope I will be able to be happy soon as well. Right not it’s 4Am and I’ve got school in seven hours. I haven’t eaten all day…

Most of all I hope that one day we’ll find each other again, but skip all the drama… One day maybe that is possible. If not, he’ll make some girl really happy one day. I couldn’t have wished for a better first boyfriend!

Rough Weekend

This weekend has been anything but relaxing.

Friday night I went out clubbing with a guy I’ve met a couple of times before. He tried to get me drunk. When we left the place he seemed to think that I would go home with him, despite me having a boyfriend and despite me not having shown any interest in him. So on the way to the subway he more or less shoves me up against a wall and tries to make out with me. I push him off of me, and was too busy being angry to get scared. That’s basically the only good thing I can think of… I got angry and pushed him away from me^^ I still feel like it was some kind of rape attempt.

The day after I got out with another friend of mine. This time it’s an actual friend! She isn’t feeling too good and gets completely wasted. To the point that I was very happy to be there to make sure she didn’t wander off, get lost or fall in front of a train or something… She was basically to drunk to walk straight.

I ask her if she wants to go to my place or to her boyfriend-but-they-have-a-break’s place. Her place was out since we’d already missed the last bus there… She wants to go the kinda-boyfriend’s place, so we make our way to the commuter trains, and manage to get on the one leaving 11.10.

When we get to her kinda-boyfriend’s place she panics. She’s basically on the ground, shaking and hyper ventilating… So I try to get her up, but her bag (which I’ve been carrying) gets in the way so I throw it to the kinda-boyfriend of hers. Then I more or less drag her up to his apartment.

There I try to get her to breathe normally, and gradually her breathing slows down to normal. So I think she’s made some progress only to notice she isn’t breathing at all. She’s trying to suffocate herself by swallowing her tongue (which by the way is close to impossible, and the suffocating part is a very stupid way to kill oneself cos once she passes out it would be easy for us to keep her from dying… I thought of none of those things cos I was too busy trying not to panic and trying to get her to breathe).

In the end the kinda-boyfriend calls 112 (the Swedish equivalent to 911) and the cops arrive. By the time they arrive she’s breathing normally (I kinda guilt tripped her into it “Do you realise how hard it will be for me to call your best friend and tell her you killed yourself?”) Since she isn’t actively trying to comit suicide any longer and is still very wasted the only thing they would be able to do it put her someplace to sleep it off. Since she could do that just as well with us as in a cell they left.

She more or less passed out on the couch and me and the kinda-boyfriend tried to get some sleep.

The reason she’s so miserable is cos she was raped by her grandfather and she feels like she can’t tell anyone in her family. Her grandmother has had to husbands die and my friend feels like she couldn’t hurt her grandmother like that. Since she likes her grandmother she has to see her rapist way too often for her own good. On top of that she refuses to get help. She just unloads on her friend and will sooner or later push them all away. I know I can’t take another night trying to make her breathe…

Not the Best Way to Spend the Night

Another post for boyfriend not to read!