Getting Help

I’m going to find a counsellor. And I’m going to sort out myself!

Don’t Like Drama? Stay away from me…

Yeah… what do I say… I love (ex)boyfriend. I really do… and I like this guy I met over the weekend. A classmate of mine had a party and I was invited. Aparantly it’s a good thing that I like video games :P (The guy I kinda like is the person who made my new header as well)

I get on really well with him and I know that however I solve this mess I’m going to want to stay friends.

Oh, and for everyone who is going to tell me to talk to (ex)boyfriend, I already did. For like three hours. We nearly broke up… Again. Next time we actually do break up I think it’ll be for good. I can’t be sure though :P We decided to not break up tonight at least and I’ll try to find a way to fix this shit…

The guy I kinda likes needs an alias though…

[Mortality] says (01:00):
If you could chose your alias on my blog, what would it be?
[what should I call him?] says (01:01):
bdw, I have to admit that I know the name of your blog -.-
[what should I call him?] says (01:01):
you need to censor stuff better
[Mortality] says (01:01):
it’s ok..
[Mortality] says (01:01):
I’ve beem thinking about giving you the adress, so…
[what should I call him?] says (01:01):
BATMAN!

So I guess Batman it is :P

Seriously… I hardly ever fall for people. Like almost never. I tend to shut down feelings that don’t go well with my plans. And kinda falling for someone was definitely not something I’d planned on >< Well, well… I guess I just need to figure out what to do. At least everyone involved knows what’s going on.

I’m so calling Pixie tomorrow! And I really need to sleep…. It’s 1.30 in the morning and I’ve got school tomorrow. And I was going to go to bed early tonight!!

*Relieved*

Yesterday I went to the “Ungdomsmottagning” closest to where I live now. It’s a clinic for young people (up to 23) where you can get information about sexual health stuff, prescriptions for birth control stuff (pill, patch, ring etc) as well as condoms. They can test you for STDs and pregnancies.

I went there to get a pregnancy test. I haven’t had my period in almost seven weeks I started getting worried…

First I got to see a therapist cos it was my first time there. She asked me a bunch of questions about my life. Like home situation, family situating, and have you ever been physically abused? Sexually? Are you sexually active? Monogamously so? Stuff like that…

I’m not pregnant by the way :P

Rough Weekend

This weekend has been anything but relaxing.

Friday night I went out clubbing with a guy I’ve met a couple of times before. He tried to get me drunk. When we left the place he seemed to think that I would go home with him, despite me having a boyfriend and despite me not having shown any interest in him. So on the way to the subway he more or less shoves me up against a wall and tries to make out with me. I push him off of me, and was too busy being angry to get scared. That’s basically the only good thing I can think of… I got angry and pushed him away from me^^ I still feel like it was some kind of rape attempt.

The day after I got out with another friend of mine. This time it’s an actual friend! She isn’t feeling too good and gets completely wasted. To the point that I was very happy to be there to make sure she didn’t wander off, get lost or fall in front of a train or something… She was basically to drunk to walk straight.

I ask her if she wants to go to my place or to her boyfriend-but-they-have-a-break’s place. Her place was out since we’d already missed the last bus there… She wants to go the kinda-boyfriend’s place, so we make our way to the commuter trains, and manage to get on the one leaving 11.10.

When we get to her kinda-boyfriend’s place she panics. She’s basically on the ground, shaking and hyper ventilating… So I try to get her up, but her bag (which I’ve been carrying) gets in the way so I throw it to the kinda-boyfriend of hers. Then I more or less drag her up to his apartment.

There I try to get her to breathe normally, and gradually her breathing slows down to normal. So I think she’s made some progress only to notice she isn’t breathing at all. She’s trying to suffocate herself by swallowing her tongue (which by the way is close to impossible, and the suffocating part is a very stupid way to kill oneself cos once she passes out it would be easy for us to keep her from dying… I thought of none of those things cos I was too busy trying not to panic and trying to get her to breathe).

In the end the kinda-boyfriend calls 112 (the Swedish equivalent to 911) and the cops arrive. By the time they arrive she’s breathing normally (I kinda guilt tripped her into it “Do you realise how hard it will be for me to call your best friend and tell her you killed yourself?”) Since she isn’t actively trying to comit suicide any longer and is still very wasted the only thing they would be able to do it put her someplace to sleep it off. Since she could do that just as well with us as in a cell they left.

She more or less passed out on the couch and me and the kinda-boyfriend tried to get some sleep.

The reason she’s so miserable is cos she was raped by her grandfather and she feels like she can’t tell anyone in her family. Her grandmother has had to husbands die and my friend feels like she couldn’t hurt her grandmother like that. Since she likes her grandmother she has to see her rapist way too often for her own good. On top of that she refuses to get help. She just unloads on her friend and will sooner or later push them all away. I know I can’t take another night trying to make her breathe…

Someone I Used to Know

I don’t like how so many of the people I used to count as friends aren’t part of my life any more. With some of them I feel like it was good ridance, but some of the people I really miss… We might not have anything in common any more, but I’d like to know for sure and not just assume.

There is this site where you can post your profile and look at other peoples’ profiles. It’s not as networking-y as facebook, but I sometimes find old friends. Today I stumbled upon my old crushe’s site. He looks pretty much the same… I’ve changed a lot in the 3½ years since we met… but I guess there is a bigger change between sixteen and twenty than between twenty-six and almost thirty.

We still talk sometimes… The conversations can be half-flirty, but not even close to the way things were when I was crushing on him. I know he never liked me the way I liked him, and it doesn’t even bother me. He was what I needed at that point in life.

When I met him I was just starting to recover from the bullying. If self esteem had a numerical value mine would’ve been negative. I saw myself as worthless and ugly. I had major trust issues and I felt abandoned. He called me beautiful and I didn’t believe him. We used to e-mail a lot and I used him a bit like I use this blog today. Just to vent… and he replied! He actually read all my ramblind e-mails with faulty spelling and grammar.

And that was exactly what I needed. So even if he had no idea that he helped me regain some semblance of a self esteem, I will always be happy that I met him then and there. He was also the first person I met that I would actually have wanted to kiss.

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Reading

I’ve skimmed through most of my archives today. I found posts about painful things, posts about things I’d almost forgotten and was happy to find, a lot of posts on rape and stuff like that.

One of the most painful posts I’ve ever written was about the time I was raped. Back then I didn’t call it rape. I was in denial and blamed myself… I read a lot of very painful posts on that.

Another painful post was the first one I wrote about my eating disorder.

I remeber the summer before I turned ten. I was on a school trip to a city a few hours train-ride away and there was a pair of scales in the bathroom there. I was curious, so I checked to see how much I weighed. I was tweny-nine kilos. I nearly freaked out! That was SO MUCH in my eyes, when in reality it is as average as it gets. I refused dinner that nigh, first time of many I did that.

I also found happy posts, but for some reason those never seem to be able to cancel out all the pain.

I wrote on post about pro-lifers, and how the ones we got in Sweden are miles better than the nut cases over seas. I wrote about counselling and panic attacks and friends and crushes and partying. I had a lot of posts with lyrics in them cos I couldn’t find the right words on my own.

I’ve written a lot in the past year or so^^

Bloody Hell

I’m starting to question pretty much every choice I’ve made the past two months… Everything I’ve chosen! And I hate it! Bloody hell! Why does everything have to be so hard!?!? Why can’t I just be happy with the way things are, or at the very least know what’s wrong so I can do something about it?

I need to get back in counselling but I won’t find a counsellor that will work for me. It’s too ingrained to pretend to be fine for me to open up so someone who isn’t a friend. And my friends can’t deal with it. They aren’t educated counsellors, all they can do is give me a hug or send one on MSN. Bloody hell!

Who Are They?

Who are they? All those rape and assault survivors… Cos there are a lot of us out there. More than you want to know about and probably in your closest circle of friends. Most of them are female, but not all.

It could be your sister or your best friend or that guy who sits next to you in maths class. It can be the person delivering your mail or that girl you just couldn’t take your eyes off on the bus this morning. It could be that woman on TV who claims that all victims are liars. It could be that nice old lade who lives across the street. It could be you.

The only thing in common for all of us is that we survived abuse. Some of us go on with our lives like nothing happened, carrying all the pain inside. Some of us go to therapy bi-weekly for several years. Some of us haven’t even realised that what happened was an assault and a crime. Some of us can never again have a functioning relationship with people of the same gender/race/group that our abuser belongs to.

I can name at least five victims that I know personally without problem. Some of them are close friends and others I’ve met only once. The only thing we all have in common is that we happened to be at the wrong place at the wrong time and someone chose to ignore our boundaries.

Bloody Hell

I can’t deal with this… Too many thoughts at the same time, too much to think about.

• The buses are striking so I don’t know how I’ll get to work
• I can’t get over what I did
• I can’t get over what happened two years ago
• I can’t get over what happened a year and a half ago
• I’m getting nervous about my uni applications. What if I get rejected?
• I need to get my own place
• I could do good with counselling, I just always manage to convince them I’m fine.
• I’m hurt and mad
• I’m an idiot

I Really Need Help!!

Please, answer the questions! I’m getting close to my dead line and I have far from enough replies to get some decent statistics for my study! If I don’t get enough replies I’ll have to basically just write a report on why the study isn’t very good….

Feelings, nothing more than feelings…

Right now I’m not feeling very good. I feel ugly and useless and like I’m just a burden to everyone. I know it’s not like that, but I still feel this way. I think I might be slipping back into my old eating disorder too >< I don’t want that! I want to eat properly, but sometimes I just can’t make myself eat. Even if my stomach hurts from hunger I can’t make myself eat.

What’s wrong with me?

Tuesday, Wednesday…

Yesterday morning I had a fight with my mum, so I didn’t want to go home… So after my physics test I got on a train and headed to boyfriend’s work. There I got some money from him to buy what I needed to make semlor. *yum*

Bestest Boyfriend

My boyfriend is awesome. To say I love him is an understatement.

I was really nervous over seeing the Counsellor Lady last Friday*, so I’d told boyfriend when I’d expected the appointment to be over and asked him to call me. He said he’d probably not be able to get away from work at that time.

So when I’m waiting for the bus after my appointment I got pretty surprised when he called. He’s snuck off from work for five minutes just to check if I was ok. ^^ *cyberhugs boyfriend*

He also downloaded an episode of this TV show I like and watched it with me =) It’s a spin off from Miami Ink, LA Ink with Kat Von D.

I want a tattoo…

*Appointment went pretty good. Printed out a couple of posts to let her read. 

*panic*

I’m going to the Counsellor Lady tomorrow at 2PM. I just remembered today… I’m scared. I don’t know if I can open up and tell her enough about the pain for her to help me. I hope I’ll be able to.

This time I’ll not cancel my appointment at least.

Today was pretty tiring, so this nervousness might just be mostly exhaustion. First we had a information thingy on fire security, then I had a bunch of lessons requiring me thinking and then I spent two hours talking to ninth-grades about Gymnasiet*.

At least I got movie tickets xD

I really need to calm down. I do not need to stress over the counselling, it’s going to help me! If I just manage to tell her what happened and how I’ve been reacting and stuff she’ll be able to tell me what I can do to heal. It will be hard work but I can do it! I need to heal.

*Swedish equivalent of high school.