Hopefully Gone

I just took the last of the pills I got to get rid of the chlamydia. In three weeks or so I’ll get tested again to make sure I really got rid of the infection. It would suck if I just assumed that I’d gotten rid of it and somehow the antibiotics didn’t work. Would hate to accidentaly infect someone >< or someone more in case I did infect someone before I found out I had it… Even though I think I got it from Frog it could’ve been the other way around. Worst case I got it from Batman and in that case I’ve had it since may-ish.

Coward

Yesterday after having spent more than six hours at a café with Green Fairy studying, drinking lot’s and lot’s of tea and talking, I had a lot of trouble winding down. So I ended up tagging along with Black Lotus, Cute Geek and a couple of their friends when they went out clubbing ^^

At the club I saw this really cute girl, but I was too scared to go up to her and say hi. After angsting about it for a while some guy started dancing with her and a while later I saw them making out :(

Just before we left Black Lotus literally dragged me up to her and made me say hi. She seemed nice too ^^ I just wish I’d had the guts to actually talk to her a bit earlier that night…

I Might Win

Frog went to a party on Friday. There were a bunch of girls hitting on him and one of them was wearing a Sexy Nurse outfit. He said that had it not been for the chlamydia he would’ve lost our bet xD Frog is pretty much the only one where I have a chance to win a bet like this one ^^ He said he almost lost on the solo sex part xD

I’m so gonna win this! :D

Celibacy

I was talking to Frog yesterday… Both of us have to be celibate for the ten days we are on antibiotics. It’s actually illegal for me to do anything with anyone that could risk spreading the infection xD So I said that I was thinking about celibacy for a longer time than that.. Cos I don’t wanna get another infection. Next time it could be something much worse than chlamydia.

“As long as you make an exception for me,” Frog said.
“Well, that depends on you,” I said. If I didn’t sleep with anyone but him and he continued sleeping around I wouldn’t lower the risk.
“You know what that would mean?” Frog asked me.
“Monogamy” I said.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaa” we both went.
“That’s so not baby steps,” Frog said.

Then I started thinking about requiring all potential partners to test negative first. Frog figured out that would mean two weeks of celibacy after every time he slept with someone else than me, so he said if that was the case he could just be monogamous anyway… xD

Anyway, for now we have a bet. The first person who has any kind of  sex (even oral, manual and solo) loses. The loser has to ask permission from the other person if they wanna do anything sexual with anyone (including making out). If we lose by sleeping with each other both have to ask permission xD I’m so no losing xD Frog said he thought about losing on purpose just to see how mean I would be :P

Reactions

On my way to pick up my medicine for the chlamydia I sent out a text to everyone I’ve slept with since my last negative test. This are some of the reactions I got:

Batman: Fuuuuu!! (very mature don’t you think? Idiot…)
Emo Boy: Don’t you always use condoms?
Paul: Ok. Thanks for the info.
E: Wow, not fun fo you :-/ i got tested two months ago and was negative, so I should be ok :) (I haven’t written about when I had sex with him here… It was just two days before the accident with the condom. It was a threesome with us two and my ex :D)
Raven: : /
My ex: get well soon and I hope your day gets better after a morning like this. It could be worse, you could’ve been pregnant too ;)
Cute Geek: Fuuuuuuuccckkkkk!!! (He’s never been tested and had been hoping I would test negative so he would’t have to get teste)

Frog was there when I got the call and he just laughed.. Then he apologised xD He’s the most likely source for this infection xD

The Talk

I had “the talk” with Frog this weekend. The “what are we to each other” and “where are we headed”.

None of us are ready for relationships. None of us are completely over our exes. Both of us have some trouble with monogamy (me more than him though, he’s said that he could be monogamous but for him to be that it would have to be mutual or else he might get jealous).

Oh, and labels scare us both.. so we’ll go on like we’ve done so far ^^

First Time

If you think that you lose your virginity the first time you willingly have intercourse I lost my virginity three years and a day ago xD (Prior to that I’d had oral sex and been raped…)

Safe

Right now I don’t feel completely safe with Frog. He says that he likes me “maybe a bit too much” but he isn’t very good at showing it. He also doesn’t notice when he’s pushing my boundaries until he’s crossed them and I get pissed off.

So I’m going to talk to him about it, and if it doesn’t get better I’m not gonna see him as much. If he can’t respect me and my boundaries it doesn’t matter how much fun we have at other times.

Birthday x2 + some drama

Thursday was both Black Lotus’ and Frog’s birthday. On Friday we threw a surprise party for Black Lotus. On Saturday both of them were going clubbing so I didn’t know whos party to go to. I texted a bit with Cute Geek (who’s really good friends with Black Lotus) and some of the things he said made me kinda pissed off and worried that he was jealous. I don’t do jealousy!

Anyway, since I’d been to Black Lotus’ surprise party I decided to go to Frog’s party. I had a lot of fun there, when I wasn’t thinking about Cute Geek’s maybe-jealousy. After a while we headed out to a club and a while after we got there I spotted Black Lotus and his friends too! Both groups of people ended up at the same place :D

My only worry was that Cute Geek would get hurt or that I wouldn’t know what to do with both guys I’m seeing right now at the same place. Cute Geek wasn’t with Black Lotus though… And they didn’t even know if he was going to show up. So I had a lot of fun dancing and drinking and making out and stuff like that ^^

Then Cute Geek showed up and was super drunk. Drunk enough to be really annoying and kinda clingy. So I kinda avoided him a bit to be honest. Usually I really like that guy, yesterday I was mostly just annoyed.

I went home with Frog, and we were supposed to just sleep but of course we ended up having sex. We pretty much always have sex when we see each other. The only times we haven’t had sex has been when we’ve been in public and once we came close anyway xD

This morning I got a text from Cute Geek saying sorry, and on my way home from Frog we talked on the phone and I told him why I was annoyed. He said that he hadn’t been jealous, but I’m not completely sure I believe him ><

About an hour ago someone rand my door bell and when I opened the door there was a vodka bottle with water and a rose in it. Attached to the rose was a card saying “[Mortality], Sorry”. When I looked out on the street I saw a car I recognised as his leaving.

Failure

This is the second time I experience condom failure.  This time the condom slipped out and we were too drunk to notice it at first. Frog tagged along to the pharmacy to get Plan B and he also paid  half :)

I freaked out less than last time, even though I actually had a bigger risk this time. Last time the guy didn’t come and I was just about to get my period. Since my period is irregular I have no idea when I’m ovulating, but it could be like now or in the next week or so…

Anyway, two week from now I’m getting a pregnancy test ^^

Choices

I really like Cute Geek. A lot even… I could really fall hard for that guy. The thing is, the better I get to know Frog the more I like him. And I can see both of them fitting into my life too. When I’m with Cute Geek I can see us ending up together. When I hand out with Frog I feel the same way about him too! And when I’m alone I’m fine being all flirty and stuff…

What’s a girl to do?

Consent

I read this post over at Abyss2Hope and started thinking of different non-verbal ways of consent. Cos there are a bunch of different ways to get and give consent other than straight out asking.

If I want to sleep with a guy one of the most common ways I’ll ask if he wants to is to pretty much give him a condom when I think it’s time to use one. In my book doing that is pretty much the same as saying “hey, I wanna have sex with you”. And if the guy puts the condom on I’d say he’s consenting. Or if the guy brings the condom and asks me to help put it on, me putting it on is a form of consent.

Of course consent has to be freely given as well, so if any kind of pressure/coercion/guilt tripping is involved it nullifies the supposed consent.

Why I’m not Talking to Paul Anymore

Paul says (11:54):
the thing is i like you.. and i was only with you till this weekend when i gave up the thought that you were gonna be only with me
but.. it doesn’t matter if i’m with other people, it’s still hard hearing about how you see other guys
guess you could call it jelousy
Mortality says (11:55):
i didn’t have sex with anyone else ’till i got those texts actually
Paul says (11:55):
feels too late to be “just friends”
Mortality says (11:55):
ok
Paul says (11:56):
was it because of the texts or would you have anyway?
Mortality says (11:56):
i don’t know
Paul says (11:56):
ok
Mortality says (11:56):
i’ve m made out with other people tho
Paul says (11:57):
yeh
but that doesn’t bother me
it’s a difference sleeping [as in sleeping not sex] with other guys
Mortality says (11:57):
just sleeping as in sleeping doesn’t mean sex in my world
Paul says (11:57):
it does in mine
Mortality says (11:58):
just cos i’ve spent the night with a guy friend doesn’t mean i’ve has sex with them
Paul says (11:58):
no, but it’s on the same level anyway
with or without sex, not that big of a difference
Mortality says (11:58):
to me it is
i have to many guy friends
Paul says (11:59):
nah >,<
but you don’t have to share a bed with them
i don’t share a bed with my guy friends
your guy friends aren’t just friends to you, they are a way to not be alone and a way to suck out closeness/love from them
Mortality says (12:00):
a lot of them are nothing more than friends
Paul says (12:00):
been there done that.. and i have a lot of friends who do the same
Mortality says (12:00):
i just happen to like hugs and cuddling
Paul says (12:00):
that’s what i meant..
“hugs and cuddling”
Mortality says (12:00):
that means i like hugs, nothing more!
Paul says (12:01):
others call it “slutty” i call it a constant need of closeness.. you dull the loneliness with a lot of different guys you like to “cuddle with” and i smoke weed or get drunk instead… same same
Mortality says (12:01):
you know what?
i think it’s a good idea not to see each other anymore
Paul says (12:01):
true
Paul says (12:02):
delete from msn too?
Mortality says (12:02):
do that.. don’t think i want to talk to you again anyway… i just end up getting hurt
Paul says (12:02):
ok
take care..

And that is the last we said before deleting and blocking each other from our msn lists.

My List

I have list of all the people I’ve slept with. I can still remember them all but it gets easier with the list. The length of that list depends on how I count. If I only count intercourse it’s 8, if I even count oral it’s 12, if I count the girl (there were only fingers involved) and whatever happened at Smile’s* then it’s 14. If I only count the people who made me come it’s 6.

Out of all the 14 I regret one. Maybe two… I’m wondering if it really was such a good idea to sleep with Paul >< If I got the chance to sleep with anyone on my list again I’d got for maybe 4 or5 of them… Possibly 6. Out of those 14, 12 of them have nick names here. The average age of those 14 is just a bit over a year older than me. Out of those 14 I was in love with one and crushing on 6 or 7. Out of those 14 I was together with one.

*I don’t know how to describe it really. Torture is one word, but it was really great too and only involved two fingers and a lot of mind games.

Drunk Texting

Text conversation between me and Paul last night:
Paul: Come over and sleep?
Me: I’m with a friend.. Rain check?
Paul: Fu
Me: …
Paul: I’m sleeping with another girl instead. At least!
Me: be my guest
Paul: Stop bothering me, I’m fucking

It should surprise no one that I wasn’t very happy with those texts. A few minutes ago Paul got online on msn and IMed me.

Paul: Hey babe!
Me: hi
Paul: How are you?
Me: Fine
Paul: nice
Paul: what have you been up to this weekend?
Me: movie night friday, seeing friends on saturday
Paul: ok
Paul: sounds nice
Me: you?
Paul: Partied hard
Paul: Friday preparty at my place and then clubbing, saturday my uncle’s 50th
Me: k
Paul: You’re really short with me today
Me: maybe
Paul: why??
Paul: Annoyed with me? :o
Me: maybe a bit
Paul: Why?
Me: might just overreact
Paul: maybe.. but what was there to overreact about?
Me: how drunk were you yesterday?
Paul: enough
Paul: but how would you’ve noticed that?
Me: check your outbox in your cell
Paul: oh
Paul: oops
Paul: why would I write that?!?

So he basically didn’t even remember… And now I don’t know what to do…