No More Custom CSS

My custom CSS ran out :( So no my blog looks like this. I like the colours, but my old theme was much prettier..

Names

(ex)boyfriend needs a name here. Specially now since we’re more like friends than ex’s. I just can’t figure out something good :( Any advice?

Time

I haven’t taken the time to actually think about the break up this time… The past few times we broke up I pretty much broke down for a week after as well. This time I more or less went on with my life as if nothing had happened, not thinking about it.

Typically me… Avoiding things. I tend to avoid things that hurt, things that annoy me, things that I don’t want to think about. And this… this hurts. I don’t want to think about breaking up. So I avoid thinking about it… It’s not the first time we break up, but it feels a lot more final than all the other times.

I feel like I shouldn’t write about it here, but this has always been my place to vent. I don’t want to lose that out of fear of hurting someones feelings. And I don’t want to lose him. That would be a million times worse than losing some small corner of cyber-space. I can always set up a new blog… It’s not that hard (the several I already have should be proof enough). But if he decides he doesn’t want to stay friends after all… I wouldn’t know what to do.

Carnival Against Sexual Violence

The latest carnival against sexual violence is out on Marcella Chester’s blog. There are a bunch of really good posts there and I’m kinda proud cos two of my posts where among them :D

Don’t Like Drama? Stay away from me…

Yeah… what do I say… I love (ex)boyfriend. I really do… and I like this guy I met over the weekend. A classmate of mine had a party and I was invited. Aparantly it’s a good thing that I like video games :P (The guy I kinda like is the person who made my new header as well)

I get on really well with him and I know that however I solve this mess I’m going to want to stay friends.

Oh, and for everyone who is going to tell me to talk to (ex)boyfriend, I already did. For like three hours. We nearly broke up… Again. Next time we actually do break up I think it’ll be for good. I can’t be sure though :P We decided to not break up tonight at least and I’ll try to find a way to fix this shit…

The guy I kinda likes needs an alias though…

[Mortality] says (01:00):
If you could chose your alias on my blog, what would it be?
[what should I call him?] says (01:01):
bdw, I have to admit that I know the name of your blog -.-
[what should I call him?] says (01:01):
you need to censor stuff better
[Mortality] says (01:01):
it’s ok..
[Mortality] says (01:01):
I’ve beem thinking about giving you the adress, so…
[what should I call him?] says (01:01):
BATMAN!

So I guess Batman it is :P

Seriously… I hardly ever fall for people. Like almost never. I tend to shut down feelings that don’t go well with my plans. And kinda falling for someone was definitely not something I’d planned on >< Well, well… I guess I just need to figure out what to do. At least everyone involved knows what’s going on.

I’m so calling Pixie tomorrow! And I really need to sleep…. It’s 1.30 in the morning and I’ve got school tomorrow. And I was going to go to bed early tonight!!

Journey to Accepting Myself

I used to think I was ugly… And when people compimented me, I’d think they were lying and making fun of me. I’d hide in too big clothes and a lot of black make-up around my eyes. I’d stay silent in the classroom, unless I had a temper tantrum. I’d get mad at people when I was mostly mad at myself. I really hated myself back then…

I didn’t eat properly and I hurt myself. Once I even tried to kill myself.

Then I started High School (The Swedish equivalent, grades 10-12) at sixteen. My new class was a bunch of mismatched people, none of us knew each other, and pretty much everyone had friends in commom. We ended up becoming friends all of us… Some I’m still friends with, like Ria, Nympho, Lina… And a couple of more I haven’t written about here much. They told me I was gorgeous and had a lot of fun dressing me up in clothes they deemed appropriate for parties.

I’m still not sure if the reaction from people when I turned up in school with a knee-lenght skirt was cos I looked good in it or cos they were so unused to seeing me dressed like that. Around this time I stopped feeling ugly, but I could still not call myself pretty.

I dropped out and re-did the first year at another programme (changed from IB to a programme with a lot of physics, maths and computer-classes). I’d known Bite Me from before, but now we were classmates too! I got to know Bubblegum Boy, and even though we didn’t become good friends until after graduation cos as he said he’d “feel bad about using me for helping him with school work” if we were proper friends :P They were nice to me, didn’t hit on me, and I figured out that I was pretty smart after all… I’m not sure how those two would’ve managed High School without me :P

Then I turned 18, I started clubbing, I met (ex)boyfriend and all that stuff (all this I’ve written extensively about in the 1½ years I’ve had this blog)… I figured out that even if I could not see myself as pretty a lot of other people did. I met Tony, Daisy, Angel, Ryan and a lot of other people. I felt like part of the group. I started to feel ok with not hiding myself. I was still a long way from feeling comfortable in my own skin, but I was on the way.

Then a few weeks ago, I felt like I needed to update my profile picture on a website, the one I had was really old… So I took a couple of pictures… And they turned out good. I looked at them, and in the mirror and was surprised. The girl in the mirror was pretty!

The girl in the mirror was me… And I’m finally starting to feel comfortable in my own skin.

Snow!

It’s snowing on my blog! :D

New Name

I’ve been looking for a name for this blog for a while, and yesterday i found the perfect one. I am somewhat damaged, but that doesn’t make me broken.

Oh, and yesterday I was compared to a traffic jam… Apparantly I make people get stuck and it will take an eternerty to understand me or something like that…

Sexual Assault Policy Database

I got an e-mail asking for me to help spread the word about a new project over at SAFER:

The database archives sexual assault policies from colleges and universities across the nation. We hope that providing examples of effective policies will assist student activists in reforming their own school’s sexual assault policy. The database also allows students to comment on whether or not their school actually implements the policies as they have been written.

On October 6, 2008, we will be distributing the release to hundreds of campus newspapers throughout the country. We’re reaching out to student activists this week, asking them to comment on the policy at their school if it is in the database already, or submit their school’s policy for inclusion if it is not.

I think SAFER does a great job and was glad to help them get the word out (though I don’t really think I’ll help a lot :P)

Friends and Relationships

I would appreciate if boyfriend didn’t read this post cos it’s none of his business. It’s not really any of my business either, but since I know are friends with everyone involved it makes me involved too. Since boyfriend knows the people involved too, but isn’t that close friends with them I would prefer if he didn’t read this.

Help?

Does anyone know why my commen field and comments don’t just end up at the bottom of each post, but at the bottom of the whole page? When opening an individual post one has to scroll down to the very bottom of the page to be albe to see the comment field and/or comments.

Why?

CSS

I’ve almost managed to get this blog to look like I want it too :)

More Comments^^

“kpgrb voelcgqf” left this very eloquent comment on one of my posts:

romadk humdnv shpk mhpjuzk aielyruo kjpfzed gzmsbuf

xD

Commenters

The person who commented on my post from yesterday also left a comment on my first post:

Did you actually tell him NO ?
Clearly and in no uncertain terms say that you were not consenting?
From your post it does not look like you did ….

I won’t let that comment through. From his blog I can tell that we probably don’t agree on anything, so why should we agree on a definition of rape? It doesn’t matter if I said “[c]learly and in no uncertain terms say that [I was] not consenting”. What matters is that he didn’t ask me for a yes. What matters is that what went on was emotional abuse, even if he had never touched me.

What matters is that he went on asking even after I had said no. Cos I did say no. Several times even. I told him I didn’t want to do what he wanted me to do. What matters is that he could just go on with his life like nothing happened and I will have to live with it forever.

Reading

I’ve skimmed through most of my archives today. I found posts about painful things, posts about things I’d almost forgotten and was happy to find, a lot of posts on rape and stuff like that.

One of the most painful posts I’ve ever written was about the time I was raped. Back then I didn’t call it rape. I was in denial and blamed myself… I read a lot of very painful posts on that.

Another painful post was the first one I wrote about my eating disorder.

I remeber the summer before I turned ten. I was on a school trip to a city a few hours train-ride away and there was a pair of scales in the bathroom there. I was curious, so I checked to see how much I weighed. I was tweny-nine kilos. I nearly freaked out! That was SO MUCH in my eyes, when in reality it is as average as it gets. I refused dinner that nigh, first time of many I did that.

I also found happy posts, but for some reason those never seem to be able to cancel out all the pain.

I wrote on post about pro-lifers, and how the ones we got in Sweden are miles better than the nut cases over seas. I wrote about counselling and panic attacks and friends and crushes and partying. I had a lot of posts with lyrics in them cos I couldn’t find the right words on my own.

I’ve written a lot in the past year or so^^