Lesbian Virginity

I kinda slept with a girl… ^^

Gay Club

I went to a gay club with Pixie last night^^ I had a lot of fun!

There were no idiot guys groping me, there were not idiot guys hitting on me, and there were a lot of cute girls there :D

We got there shortly after ten… I’d never been there before and neither had Pixie, so we were a bit nervous. After a while the dance floor started filling up so me and Pixie went out on the dance floor too^^ They played good music and there were a bunch of gay guys making out. I don’t know why, but I think it’s really cute when two boys make out.

I bumped into an aquiantance* and she looked really surprised and was all like “are you GAY?!?”. It was kinda funny actually xD Then we kept bumping into each other on the dance floor a lot^^

A bit before midnight this girl started dancing closer and closer to me. She was kinda cute and we ended up making out ^^ Tony and Bubblegum Boy both asked me why I went  home alone if a cure girl had been hitting on me, so I told them that there is this thing called chemistry that’s needed if you wanna sleep with someone. I talked to (ex)boyfriend and I started off explaining why I went home alone, but he interrupted and told me I didn’t have to explain anything to him xD

All in all it was a fun night for me :D

*The one I mentioned lost her virginity

Plans

On Sunday a bunch of people are coming over and if the snow is still here we’ll have a snowball fight and play in the snow :D And if the snow has melted away by then we’ll have a movie night or something ^^ (ex)boyfriend, Pixie and Bubblegum Boy are confirmed guests. Tony will be over if he’s feeling well (he’s been ill for a while) and I’m still waiting for a reply from Kit. I sent him a text cos his phone was turned off.

I asked (ex)boyfriend if he was ok with Bubblegum Boy* joining us, and he said that why not? He can throw snowballs at him al day xD And if he says he’s ok with it I believe him. I don’t think he’d say he was ok with it if he’d rather not have to see Bubblegum Boy. (And if he’s not ok with it and get’s pissed of or something that’s not my problem)

I’m really looking forward to Sunday :D

*That’s the guy I cheated on him with… Please don’t tell me I’m a horrible person for cheating on him. I already know that.

Journey to Accepting Myself

I used to think I was ugly… And when people compimented me, I’d think they were lying and making fun of me. I’d hide in too big clothes and a lot of black make-up around my eyes. I’d stay silent in the classroom, unless I had a temper tantrum. I’d get mad at people when I was mostly mad at myself. I really hated myself back then…

I didn’t eat properly and I hurt myself. Once I even tried to kill myself.

Then I started High School (The Swedish equivalent, grades 10-12) at sixteen. My new class was a bunch of mismatched people, none of us knew each other, and pretty much everyone had friends in commom. We ended up becoming friends all of us… Some I’m still friends with, like Ria, Nympho, Lina… And a couple of more I haven’t written about here much. They told me I was gorgeous and had a lot of fun dressing me up in clothes they deemed appropriate for parties.

I’m still not sure if the reaction from people when I turned up in school with a knee-lenght skirt was cos I looked good in it or cos they were so unused to seeing me dressed like that. Around this time I stopped feeling ugly, but I could still not call myself pretty.

I dropped out and re-did the first year at another programme (changed from IB to a programme with a lot of physics, maths and computer-classes). I’d known Bite Me from before, but now we were classmates too! I got to know Bubblegum Boy, and even though we didn’t become good friends until after graduation cos as he said he’d “feel bad about using me for helping him with school work” if we were proper friends :P They were nice to me, didn’t hit on me, and I figured out that I was pretty smart after all… I’m not sure how those two would’ve managed High School without me :P

Then I turned 18, I started clubbing, I met (ex)boyfriend and all that stuff (all this I’ve written extensively about in the 1½ years I’ve had this blog)… I figured out that even if I could not see myself as pretty a lot of other people did. I met Tony, Daisy, Angel, Ryan and a lot of other people. I felt like part of the group. I started to feel ok with not hiding myself. I was still a long way from feeling comfortable in my own skin, but I was on the way.

Then a few weeks ago, I felt like I needed to update my profile picture on a website, the one I had was really old… So I took a couple of pictures… And they turned out good. I looked at them, and in the mirror and was surprised. The girl in the mirror was pretty!

The girl in the mirror was me… And I’m finally starting to feel comfortable in my own skin.

Snow!!

I was out in the snow today ^^ I had a lot of fun :D

I was on the phone with a friend and ran around, making snow-angels and stuff :D

I don’t hate snow right now ^^

I’d feel sorry for her if I wasn’t busy laughing

Yesterday a girl accidentaly flushed her mobile down the drain… It was kinda fun actually :P

Lyrics

A band with lyrics such as these  (BTW, those lines could be about reproductive rights in the US. At least in the crazy, pro-life, bible-thumping, republican places of the US):

Another tragedy in the news
Someone shooting down the right to choose
It doesn’t seem at all that they chose the right way
Another law I heard got passed today
Someone’s trying to take my rights away
It doesn’t seem to me they chose the right way
It’s out of my hands but stuck in my mind in time I find my spine
is crooked in design I want to be so much more

And who end another song with these stats:

According the department of justice
One out of five american women are victims of rape
Or sexual assult in their lifetime
25 percent of women report that they have been assualted
Or raped by their current or former partner
25 percent of students have been vistims of a violent crime
That took place in or around their school
8 hundred thousand sixth to twelth grade students
Carried a gun to their school last year
What’s going on?

And who have really good music to acompany the lyrics… Well, then can be nothing short of awesome! I think I have a crush on Zebrahead…

Thread

This thread over at Scarleteen made me think a bit. I wonder what the best way to deal with rape-apologists would be. I tend to deal with rape apologists by getting mad… Not sure if that’s a good way or not.

When I get comments from people excusing some kinds of rape I don’t let that comment through my moderation queue. If the comment is short and ignorant and clearly just out to get me mad I just delete it and forget about it. If the commenter is ignorant and thinks they are helping me I tend to write a long rambling post in reply to tell them exactly why they are wrong.

How do you deal with those idiots?

Ok…?

So on this queer community I’ve mentioned before I stumbled upon a profile belonging to a sumissive woman. People who wanted to talk to her aparantly had to get permission from her “owner” first… Seriously, what’s up with that!?! I get that some poeple like D/s stuff, but that was a bit too much…

Threesome

Pixie is bisexual… Apparantly that’s supposed to be good for Tony. Cos since Pixie likes girls, too, they can have a threesome! The only problem is that for a long time Tony has been uterly uninterested in stuff like that and him and Pixie have completely different taste in girls (Tony thinks that Paris Hilton is super-hot and Pixie thinks that Carmen Elektra is really hot)

But now they’ve started joking around with dragging me into a threesome with them -.- I don’t think I’m very compatible with either of them sexually. Pixie doesn’t like revieving oral sex, and I can’t see the point of sleeping with a girl if I can’t go down on her. She doesn’t much like fingers either… I wonder what her and her ex-girlfriend did in bed sometimes. Tony is just too… gentle. Some people love gentle, slow sex. I’m not one of them! I like it rough.

Hmm, what did I say about rambling now again?

Tattoos and kids

I want to get a tattoo… The thing is that the one I want to get is gonna hurt as hell and get distorted if I get fat and/or pregnant. I don’t want to get either fat or pregnant… Not that there’s anything wrong with that, I’m sure there are millions of women who want to become pregnant and have kids. I don’t know if I will ever want kids, but I think I’d prefer to adopt. The whole pregnancy thing scares me…

I really need to stop rambling!

I’ve been thinking…

The reason me and (ex)boyfriend aren’t officially together is cos I’m scared. I’m scared of ending up like my mum. I’m also scared of this lasting the rest of my life.. Cos I feel like it could. I’m in love with him. Somtimes I still get those butterflies in my stomach. I really, really love him!

And why is staying together for the rest of our lies such scare me so much? Isn’t that what people want to find? Love… Love that lasts with an amazing person. And for me to just stumble upon a person I would stay together with for more than two years… Should’t I consider myself lucky?

Sometimes though, I’m not sure it’s even gonna last the week. How long is he gonna put up with the quasi-relationship? What would happen if I fell in love with another person? (It is possible to be in love with two people at once!) He would’t be ok with sharing me like that… He wants a serious monogamous relationship… I don’t even think he is really happy with what we’ve got now.

And then there’s the matter of my sexual orientation too… I know I’m attracted to girls, both physically and emotionally. If I fell in love I could have a relationship with a woman. The thing is, I’ve never done more than kiss a girl.. And I do want to explore that side of my sexuality. I want to sleep with a girl, maybe fall in love… I just can see how that would happen right now. I can’t see myself falling out of love with (ex)boyfriend anytime soon. He’s just too important to me to risk it.

So what the hell do I do?

Not a Lucky Month

In the past month I’ve been to the doctor twice… I’ve had antibiotics prescribed twice… And now I think I’m getting my period.

Yet Another Post on D/s-Stuff

The only pets I own are on the facebook-application “Freidns for Sale”. It’s a silly game where you can uy your friends for imaginary money. Currently I’m worth jus tover 12 million imaginary dollars ^^

My Valentine’s Day

I did not have a nice day yesterday… I woke up about 40 minutes away from home.  That wasn’t so bad, but I did have to get home… And I was in pain. Like very much pain  >< Stupid UTI!!!

So I get home… And it feels like I have to pee like every five minutes… And every time I pee I feel like I’m going to die. I’ve had UTIs before, but none as bad as this one. The pain actually made me CRY! That doesn’t happen… Physical pain don’t make me cry! Failing tests and the scene when Mufasa dies in the Lion Kind makes me cry… Physical pain hardly ever makes me cry! And it hurt a lot like all the time too…

So in the end I call the local hospital. They have an appointment for me.. At 8PM, so I had to wait several hours, in pain, to see a doctor.

At least (ex)boyfriend came over. And I got some anti-biotics… I’m still in pain, but today it’s bearable and tomorrow or the day after it should be gone.