Family Time

My aunt turned 45 this week and had a party today. My brother and mother and me and a bunch of my aunt’s friends were invitied. It was really nice seeing my mum and brother… I haven’t seen them for at least a month now! It’s been such a long time…. Might even be the longest I’ve ever gone without seeing my family. I have gone a summer without seeing my mum and a month without seeing my brother before, but never this long without seeing any of them.

It was nice seeing my aunt too, but her I’m used to seeing once a year, so not seeing her for a while isn’t as weird :P

WTF?

The third most common search term people found this blog with is “Kim Possible Naked”.

Seridouly, WTF?!?

Protection Against Discrimination

From January 1st 2009 people who don’t fit into the female/male or feminine/masculine binary (like trans gender, inter sex people, transvestites and others) will be protected against discrimination in ten different areas in the society. Among them are at school, application precesses to schools, at work, and hiring processes for jobs.

This is both good news and bad news. The good news is that they get protection against discrimination by the law and the bad news is that it took the government this long to grant them those basic human rights. Seriously, what took them this long?

Not Telling

Bubblegum Boy was over yesterday. We had planned to go watch a movie and have dinner at my place… Uhm, in reverse order that is. We eneded up having dinner at my place and then watching a bunch of Numb3rs episodes :P

In the middle of one of those episodes Crush calls. I talk to him/her for a minute or so and then hang up. Bubblegum Boy asks if it’s (ex)boyfriend. I say it’s a friend. He asks if it’s the one I have a crush on.

“Am I that obvious?” I ask. He says that I am.

Five minutes later Crush calls again. He’d dialed the wrong number cos (s)he’s so used to calling me. Bubblegum Boy thinks that this person might maybe have a crush on me too… I hope not, I just want to stay friends…Bubblegum Boy asks if it was Tony who called, as in if it’s Tony I have a crush on. I tell him it’s not Tony and that I don’t want him to know who it is.

Bubblegum Boy still thinks it’s Tony -.-

New Name

I’ve been looking for a name for this blog for a while, and yesterday i found the perfect one. I am somewhat damaged, but that doesn’t make me broken.

Oh, and yesterday I was compared to a traffic jam… Apparantly I make people get stuck and it will take an eternerty to understand me or something like that…

Crush

I have a crush on a friend of mine. It is someone I’ve mentioned in this blog, but I don’t want anyone to know who this person is. It’s my little secret :) I definitely don’t want this person to find out cos I don’t wanna ruin our friendship… I really like it the way it is. Someone who’s a friend and nothing more. Someone I can hang out with, maybe watch a movie once in a while and cuddle. Nothing more…

I’m still in love with (ex)boyfriend, so this crush isn’t going to lead to anything other than friendship. Hugs and stuff like that, maybe a kiss or two… But nothing else that falls into the realm of romantic relationship. I like it the way it is…

And now I’m rambling ><

Watching too Much TV(sorta)

I’m not a teenager and I’ve yet to save the world *sob*

This Works

I met (ex)boyfriend yesterday. At first it felt really weird, but once I actually saw that he was ok and not super-miserable or anything I stopped feeling guilty for breaking up. And after that it felt really nice to see him again… Hugging him was really nice. I’d missed him a lot more than I’d been aware of.

This works. We can hang out, we can be there for each other, we can hug and kiss and make out and stuff like that without it being too weird, but I don’t feel trapped. I don’t feel stuck or caged, I feel free! And I’m still very much in love with him…

So if (ex)boyfriend is ok with this situation I don’t see why it wouldn’t work. I just have to talk to him and see how he feels about it. I feel kinda bad writing about it here before I talk to him about it, but I just needed to structure my thoughts…

Why does it have to be so hard?

Why does it have to be so hard to break up? Why do I have to be so sad and miss him so much? Why do I have to feel so guilty about it? I keep asking myself if maybe, if I’d tried a little harder, could I’ve made it work? And why didn’t it work anyway? What went wrong? What did I do wrong?

How will I ever be able to fall in love knowing I will sooner or later end up here? How can something that was so right go so wrong? What happened?

Why does it have to hurt so bad? I really hope the person who said it was worse to be dumped than to dump someone was wrong! Cos if he is hurting worse than this… I won’t ever be able to fogive myself! It’s bad enough that I cheated on him… Why did I do that anyway? What good did it do me?

Don’t Touch That Button!

With the rapist only three clicks away on facebook I’ve started thinking about contacting him… I know it’s not a good idea, but I really want to know just what the heck he was thinking that week when i visited. What made him think that what he was doing was ok? What rationalisations did he make? Was it that I didn’t physically fight back? That I slept in the same bed as him? That I was drunk? That I was sad and needed “comforting”? What made him think that raping me was ok?

If I contact him, it would probably just make me feel worse… Maybe his good side will shine through and make me feel bad about being mad at him. Maybe he’ll be as abusive as that week I spent with him and blame me for being hurt. Maybe he won’t even care… I just don’t know.

With him being three clicks away from me, that makes me three clicks away from him. What if he contacs me? In one way that would be the easiest. That way I can maybe get my questions answered without actually contacting him…

Either way, I’m soooo looking forward to the day I get over him!

Dear Subconsciousness

I do not need to dream dreams involving me and (ex)boyfriend) but no clothes. Got that?

The Problem

The problem with me and (ex)boyfriend is not the feelings we have for each other. Cos we do have feelings for each other! I love him… And he loves me.

The problem is that I’m very afraid of being abandoned, so I’m scared of completely counting on him, scared of it getting too serious with us, scared of getting too close…I’m scared of getting into the same situation my mother was in. My dad was emotionally abusive, but that didn’t show up for the first year or two.. Maybe even three. And when it did show up my mum waited about a decade before she filed for divorce.

And that fear coupled with me not being able to forgive myself for cheating on him is what got us into this whole breaking up.

Miss him…

We broke up… I feel really horrible, cos I don’t think I’ve ever seen him that sad. He was crying! I don’t think I’ve ever seen him cry before…

I miss him so much it hurts. I just want to go back to when everything between us worked! When everything was fine and I wasn’t such an idiot… I just wish I could be as much in love with him as he is in me.

I just really hope I won’t regret this. I really hope that we can be friends if he gets the time he needs… That I won’t discover that I’m still in love with him when it’s too late to fix it.

I just really hope that he will be happy soon… And I hope I will be able to be happy soon as well. Right not it’s 4Am and I’ve got school in seven hours. I haven’t eaten all day…

Most of all I hope that one day we’ll find each other again, but skip all the drama… One day maybe that is possible. If not, he’ll make some girl really happy one day. I couldn’t have wished for a better first boyfriend!

I FOUND HIM!!

Wiiee!

I’ve been wanting to get in touch with my half-brother for years.. And I’ve spent the past few hours chatting to him on facebook.. And now he asked for my msn ^^

WIIIEEE!!! I’ve always wanted a big brother^^

“Sorry, but your brother is a rapist”

I’m on facebook chatting with the rapist’s sister. She is a really nice person who just happens to have an idiot for a brother…

She’s a mum now! Her baby girl is so cute :)

I asked her how her family was doing and she listed what they all were doing now. Her youngest brother is eight years old now! I remember when he was born!

Then she told me that the rapist was doing better, and from what she’d heard he’d been treating me bad the time I went to visit… She told me he had been having a rough time and doing drugs and stuff. She also said that it didn’t excuse anything, but that he at least was doing better now.

I told her that he’d refused to listen when I said no. AND SHE BELIEVED ME!! :D That means a lot to me! She believed me over her little brother… He’s doing much better now, but it took him time to get clean and stuff. Apparantly he even stopped smoking regular ciggarets.

I find myself being happy for him… Maybe someday I will be able to see him without kicking him someplace painful…