I Really Need Help!!

Please, answer the questions! I’m getting close to my dead line and I have far from enough replies to get some decent statistics for my study! If I don’t get enough replies I’ll have to basically just write a report on why the study isn’t very good….

Guilt Tripping Myself?

Some things I just don’t like.

I might be going to hang out* with some friends tomorrow, but since I’m getting worried about my drinking habits** I don’t want to drink on weekdays. Boyfriend interpreted that as I don’t want to get drunk on weekdays or that I don’t want to drink much on weekdays or something. So he’d bought two ciders for me.

So when I said no thank you, boyfriend said that he was just trying to be nice, which made me feel guilty >< Imagine if he was actually trying to guilt trip me? I hate that I feel guilty so easily!

*It’s “Valborg” which pretty much means everyone drinks a lot.
**I’ve been drunk or very drunk the past three weekends. My grandmother (dad’s mum) is an alcoholic and I’m just scared to end up like her.

Bordering Rapist

I don’t remember all this clearly, since I was very drunk…

On the night bus to my boyfriend’s place last Saturday I sat pretty close to what looked like a couple to me. They were making out; or rather, it looked like they were. The woman pushed the guy off of her, but he tried to go on.

She pulled out her cell phone and started texting someone, trying to get as far from the guy as she could without leaving her seat. This pretty soon had her pushed up against the wall with him all over her. At first I was just so shocked by all this that I could hardly react.

Compared to Some…

.. My dad doesn’t seem like such a big asshole after all.

Ria Turns Twenty and I get Wasted

I met up Ria at the Central Station after she’d been to some fair. She was slightly drunk when I met her xD She’d tried calling Lex but couldn’t get hold of him, so I tried calling. This time we got hold of him, but he wasn’t in town yet.

Me and Ria went to a café to waste the time ’till he to town :) She bought me a giant chocolate chip cookie =D We talked about relationships, sex, a lot about people we know and life in general. We really need to meet up more often!

Another Conversation

For some reason capital letters, punctuation and proper spelling goes right out the window when I talk to this guy… This is a guy I used to have a huge crush on a while ago, and sometimes talk to.

former crush says:
and here i thought you had a childhood crush on me
Mortality says:
had as in past tense
former crush says:
ooh
former crush says:
now ur soo mean

Cute Car

I saw this car on my way to Lina’s birthday party and I just had to take a picture. Compare to this one:

Ouch

Looked much worse before. I had blood all over my hands ><

Feeling Bad

I feel like I’m bordering on cheating, like I’m doing something wrong. I need to talk to boyfriend before I post any lengthier explanations here, I don’t want him reading stuff here before I’ve talked to him. It’s not really a big deal in a way and a huge deal in another way.

Feel free to speculate though.

Friends

I made new friends yesterday :)

I was at a job interview and there were a lot of other people there as well. Five of us started talking a lot :) I’ll probably stay in touch with at least one of them. He is nice, but also a bit scary. I can’t pretend that everything is fine cos he sees right through me >< In a way I guess that is good for me, cos I usually don’t talk about stuff that troubles me.

Lina’s Birthday Party

We had a FIRE! This made me very happy^^ But let’s start from the beginning.

I got off the bus one stop too soon, so I had to walk a bit extra. When I got there Lina was there (ofc) and Nympho and another girl I know. There was a bunch of other people there as well whom I didn’t know. One of the guys hit on pretty much every girl there. We had a barbecue and people pretty soon guessed I was a vegetarian xD I like corn!

I Hope it’s only Stress

I’ve been feeling extremely stressed lately, to the point where sex have been pretty uninteresting… And to the point where I’m not sure if I’m still in love with boyfriend. I love him, but I’m not sure it’s in the boyfriend-girlfriend kind of way…

I don’t want to break up, but at the same time I don’t want to stay unless I’m in love with him. I’d feel so mean then… I’m going to see if my feelings for him get back once I calm down a bit. I’ve talked to boyfriend about it and he really don’t want to break up so I’m feeling really mean… I want to make him happy, but not at the expense of my own happiness.

Anyway, I’ll wait and see. Right now I’m just not sure about anything. When I’m sure about what I feel I’ll do something about the situation.

Party?

Lina turned 20 this week and today she is having a birthday party :) I’m invited^^ I hope it’ll be fun. Haven’t seen her properly in a while. I’ve run into her a couple if times in school, but that doesn’t really count.

Next weekend Ria turns 20. Not sure yet if it collides with the Saturday Daisy planned to take a day off from dancing. I hope they won’t collide, cos I really need the extra money I’d get standing in for Daisy. I’ll have to talk to her :)

I remember when Lina and Ria turned 17. We had finals both their birthdays. That was kind of fun xD Seems like yesterday, time flies I guess…

Shoes

I’ve bought shoes for my graduation now :) In Sweden it’s traditional to wear white when graduating ^^

Pretty shoes! And they are comfy too :) Which means I’ll be able to walk properly and not feel like my feet are killing me by the end of that day^^

First Blowjob

I hated the thought of blowjobs about two years ago. Thought it was icky and disgusting. (Never mind I really enjoyed oral sex for me) Being raped orally didn’t make things better. Specially when the guy n question called me silly and a liar when I said I couldn’t take it any deeper. Asshole.

Then I met this guy at a club, spent the night. We didn’t have any condoms that night, so he went down on me. I remember telling him that I was too tired to reciprocate. The morning after we picked up where we stopped. This time I wanted to do something for him, give him pleasure. And the only way I could think of was going down on him. He never asked me for anything.