Saturday night, me and boyfriend are in bed.
“Are you tired?” I ask.
“Not really,” he replies. “You?”
“No,” I say. “You horny?”
“Not really,” he answered.
“You know what I would like?” I ask, snuggling closer to him, letting one hand slip under the waistband of his boxers.
“What?” he asks, and kisses me.
So far I haven’t seen one single real life marriage that looks like anything I want. I’ve seen my parents, my grandparents, my best friend’s, a couple of other friends’ parents.
My parents would fight pretty much non stop. I can’t recall a single time where they were actually nice to each other. I can remember the icy politenes, but not any genuine niceness. I remember my mum having to threaten to call the cops cos he wouldn’t leave. I can remember my dad calling my mum fat and lazy and other names like that. I can remember my dad blaming the divorce on my mum, in his eyes he is completely flawless.
My grandparent’s relationship isn’t really abusive, but it’s most definitely not a relationship I would want to be one half of. It’s hard to describe really, I can’t say much more than that my grandfather is the biggest pushover I’ve ever met.
When I get depressed I isolate myself. I shut people out of my life and push people away. To some extent even boyfriend.
Yesterday boyfriend said he was scared I was falling out of love with him cos I was so distant. When we were on the phone I was barely talking, mostly it would just be silence.
I’m thinking too much about stuff that hurts, and the way I’m shutting out boyfriend hurts. I don’t want to shut him out, I just do… Like a reflex. I’ve always been that way. I don’t talk when I hurt, I write. The biggest difference between now and then is that I’m letting people read what I write. Back when I was clinically depressed* I kept a paper journal.
I don’t want to be like this, I don’t want to shut out everyone I care about… I don’t want to shut out boyfriend who is probably the one I care the most about.
Meh, I’m going to take a shower and get some breakfast now.
*Well, I wasn’t diagnosed, but based on everything I’ve heard about depression I can’t have been anything else.
Those of you who read my blog regularly, how did you find me? Add so this post isn’t too empty I’ll post pictures^^
Taken in the car on my way home one day^^
More pictures after the fold^^
Now I’m feeling down and depressed again…. I don’t know what I want to do in the near future or the rest of my life. I’m not sure how long I want to stick around even…. It’s not as bad as when I was fourteen, but I’m not really sure if life is really worth it.
This is part three. Part two can be found here.
On the night bus I was annoyed over forgetting my Mp3-player at home, but there wasn’t much I could do about that. When I got to boyfriend’s place it was almost 5 o’clock. I tried to be as quiet as I could so boyfriend wouldn’t wake up.
Sometime during the night (morning?) I woke up feeling completely disoriented. For a split second I wondered who it was I was hugging and sharing a bed with. Then I figured out it wasn’t my bed, and then I figured out it was boyfriend in bed with me.
The morning after the night out I wanted to die. I buried my head in the pillow and wanted to turn off the sun. And every sound within a one mile radius. And I couldn’t even blame Ryan. Even if he’d been the one paying no one had forced the alcohol down my throat.
This is part two. Part one can be found here. Angel has a male friend whom she likes a bit too much. She’d asked if she could stay at his place in case things got messed up with Daisy. He told her that wasn’t possible cos he would be having lady company. Angel was pretty upset over that. Upset enough to cry :(
There was this guy dressed like a pirate xD I’m not sure if I can post a picture though >< Messing with enough to not recognise him makes it very hard to see his outfit…
Me and Ria had decided to go out on Friday night. Friday afternoon I get a text from her. She’s not coming… So I wrote a couple of messages to some other people I thought were going out.
Daisy told me she, Angel and Ryan were going out. She even mentioned a pre-party, but she wasn’t sure yet. She said she’d get in touch if there would be one.
When I turned up at the club it was close to empty. Luckily for me a couple of other regulars where there, so I had someone to talk to. I also got a rose. They had a Valentine theme and handed out roses to the first hundred or so people to show up.
A while later I saw Ryan in the queue. Happy someone I actually knew finally had turned up. I asked where Daisy and Angel were and he told me they were in the restroom fixing make up and stuff xD So I went to join them.
The rest of the night was pretty fun. Most of the following stuff is not in any particular order. There is also pictures! :D
Ria texted me last night :) I’m seeing her this weekend :D We’re most likely going out tomorrow. I hope it’ll be fun^^ I haven’t seen her for a while now… Not since shortly before school started after the winder break.
I also talked to Tony yesterday. I might be able to rent/borrow his apartment when he goes abroad. *hopes* Even if he won’t be gone forever I could look for something of my own while he is off in Afghanistan or where ever it is he is going. Silly boy… Why he joined the army in the first place I have no idea.
There was this thread that started with talking about who was pregnant, then someone who’d gotten pregnant less than two weeks into a relationship called abortion murder and said she could never go through with what was “the worst thing a woman could do”.
So I asked how abortion could be worse than rape. I said that how can something you chose cos you think it would be the best choice for you be worse than something you can’t help and will also be blamed for?
She responded that some get forced to go through an abortion and that you could understand that some people with short skirts got raped cos they looked “easy”.
At this point another girls comes into the discussion. She tells this first girl that she’s a bloody moron and that what you wear got nothing to do with rape.
I decided that I needed a little break from partnered sex. Lately, I have been feeling pretty down and I’m not completely sure I’m having sex for the right reasons, so I needed a break to figure it out.
I told boyfriend yesterday. All he had to say was “Ok”. No asking why, no complaining, just “If you need it, sure.”
When I feel sad like I’ve been doing lately, I find myself more having sex cos I feel like I should want it than cos I actually do want it. Usually I have a fairly high libido, so when I feel sad and don’t get horny so much it feels like something is missing, so I try to make myself want sex.
I’m not happy. I’m crying and I can’t think of one good reason to actually get up tomorrow. I just want to curl up and die…
I don’t check to see there are no cars before crossing the road, I hope we crash on the way to school… Anything to get me out of here. I’m not sure if I can handle life…
I just can’t go on… What’s worse? I don’t even have any reason to be depressed. Or do I? Sometimes I’m not sure…
I’ve been really stressed* lately (still am) and a bit down. I think my eating disorder is making a guest appearance too >.< So I need to fill this post with only happy things^^
I’m incredibly nervous when it comes to oral presentations, but for once I think it might actually be ok^^ My stage fright is no where close to dead yet, but I’m on the right way. I know my subject pretty well, I haven’t written the notes for the presentation in essay form and have actually read the book :)
I’m so bloody stressed. I got two essays for Swedish, one maths test, one English oral presentation, start on my “projektarbete”, and various other things I’ve forgotten. I haven’t even started with any of them. I’m so stressed I’m basically just shutting down.
Also, I’m ditching school work to spend time with boyfriend. I’m ditching school work to write here. I’m ditching school work to read blogs. I’m ditching school work for basically anything.
What’s wrong with me? I seriously need to start on my homework.
I’m also pretty pissed off at my dad. Why can’t I have two decent parents? That’s one area where I’m pretty jealous of boyfriend. His parents are really nice and they get along.
Bloody hell, now I’m ditching homework to complain about other things that will most likely have me crying myself to sleep tonight. Fuck, I’m nearly crying as it is now!
So am I going to start with my homework tonight? No, cos first I had chores to do at home and now I can hardly keep my eyes open.
Bloody hell….
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