The End is Coming

The end is near!! I mean the end of this year ;)

I was wondering if anyone have any new year resolutions^^ I don’t know if I have any. I don’t need to quit smoking, I might need to cut back on my sugar intake though. I’m pretty sure that I’m addicted to that stuff…

A while ago when I was in school I was craving something with sugar in it (preferably candy) and said so. A girl in my class asked if I was pregnant. I told her that pregnant women often have weird food cravings, and there is nothing weird or abnormal with me craving sugar.

Also, I’ll be going back home tomorrow^^ My mum bought us tickets on a train leaving ’round 8AM on New Years Day. x.x I’ll be sleeping on our way home. Or maybe I’ll be so speeded from lack of sleep that I’ll be jumping around annoying everyone on the train. If it’s only me and my family it won’t really be a problem xD

So this will be the last of the queued posts. From tomorrow we’ll be back with regular “real-time” posting^^

Hope you had a nice Christmas and New Year :D

A Midsummer Night

This one was written when I was sixteen, bit better than the other story I posted xD It’s been edited for paragraphing since then. I was really terrible at paragraphing my text when I was younger. This one is autobiographical as well, names have been changed though. “Rick” is my rapist…….

A Midsummer Night

“I’m bored.” Lucy complained.
“Who isn’t?” I asked, glaring at Lucy. I did not like her, but Diane really did and her and Rick were childhood friends. Well, all of us were, I’d known Rick since I was four, Lucy since I was two. Diane I had known the past ten years, since I was seven that is.
“Diane doesn’t look too bored.” Rick said, half smiling. “She looks like she’ll fall asleep any second now.”

I didn’t blame her. It was just past midnight and we were bored. Really, really bored. We had been sitting in Diane’s little cabin, talking, for the past two hours. And due to the mosquitoes we couldn’t have the windows open, so it was boiling hot in there as well.
“I’m not tir-” Diane started to object, but ended up yawning instead. We all started laughing uncontrollably, the way you can only laugh if you are either drunk or just really tired.

Good Morning

Somewhere between asleep and awake, somewhere between horny and not, the morning started good. Feeling boyfriend’s hands on me, touching, caressing… Sleepily I turn around and hug him tight.

“I love you”

Kiss along boyfriend’s collarbone, nibbling on his neck. Hands roaming, no clothes to hinder their path. Hands grabbing my butt, boyfriend kissing and nibbling on my neck.

“Do you know how beautiful you are?”

Fuzzy warm feeling in my tummy, other warm feelings bit lower down. Hungry kisses, hugging tight. Hands wandering in between legs. Moaning.

Boyfriend pulling me on top of him, more kissing, teasing, caressing… Pulling me up on his chest, licking me. Gasping.

Moving down, kissing along his stomach, boyfriend’s turn to gasp. Fingers searching their way in between my legs, moaning with my mouth full.

Still not fully awake I move up to kiss boyfriend’s stomach, neck, lips… Holding tight, bodies intertwined.

“I love you”

“I’ll miss you”

Christmas Eve!

When this post is posted I’ll be sitting in front of the TV watching “Kalle Ankas julafton”. It’s a TV show they show every Christmas eve at 3PM. I’ve missed it one year, that year I spent ten hours in Paris on my way to visit my aunt. She lived in a country “far, far away” for about a decade and just recently moved back to this country^^ She is at my grandparents place too^^ I hope she’ll like her present.

Oh, and boyfriend, if you read this, your present is hidden in “my” drawer. Just so you know ;)

I’ll be getting my presents today as well :D In Sweden we get them in the afternoon/evening on Christmas eve :D PRESENTS! When I get back home I’ll probably write a post about what I got xD

Christmas Vacation

I’m going to visit my grandparents over Christmas and New Year. I just finished wrapping all my presents and packing all the clothes I’ll bring. I still got a few last minute things I need to finish, but I’m not really in a hurry yet. The train leaves in the early afternoon tomorrow^^

So me going away for ten days, does that mean no updates? Nope^^ I’ve written a couple of posts and queued them so they’ll be posted during my trip away^^ Some of those will be old short stories I’ve written.

Yay for editing time stamps xD

Time Goes By

I was over at Nadia’s place today :D Her oldest son was ill and watched a Pippi Longstocking movie. At one place Pippi dips her head in a cake and gets her face covered in whipped cream. I was reminded of a certain asshole who had done the same at my 9th birthday party… The party where I’d dressed up as Pippi Longstocking >< I really don’t want my childhood hero to remind me of him.

Other than that the day was good ^^ We talked a bit, but not much about serious things since her husband was at home. If I’d had a kid at the same age as her my kid would be slightly older than her youngest one! O.o It never felt like she was that young when she got pregnant… She was seventeen years and eight months when she got pregnant the first time and bit over twenty the second time she got pregnant.

I wonder if I’ll ever have kids, and if I do, at what age. I think more about kids when I’ve spend time with her. I wonder what her life would’ve been like had she not gotten kids… Maybe she’d be in school now on her way to becoming a midwife. That was her plans before the kids at least.

Talked a bit about my future too, what I’m going to do with my life. I might become a teacher. As a kid that was the last thing I wanted xD Funny how you change over time. I remember when Nadia was fifteen-sixteen. Then she used to go out on the weekends, hook up with people… Pretty normal teenage stuff, stuff I didn’t start with until I was seventeen-eighteen.

Spammers are Weird!

I took off my bra. His compliments got slowlly huge. This was frenching her the best polebut select she extremely had. Her large, 36C decades came into britney spears naked crotch shots and he whistled. Holly takes the dildo, interviewing in inch of Stephanie. He came in what felt like clasps into Megan’s ass. When he resume go she pulled sisterly quickly, coughed and gulped for air, disinterestedly went blissfully to work. Pretending that she had publicly noticed Barbara’s pleasure, Melanie said: Oh, I’m beseechingly sorry. I will, if you wipe one nap out of compete again. You pave hit the wounds limited or should I? I came to a eve sextape pics quickly. As she said this, drew barrymore nude sex scene was inflating my gun positively and giggling it desperately down onto the authentic britney spears baby jayden james puling my stones apart.

Seriously, that was left as a comment on this post. I don’t get why anyone would bother sending spam comments that sound like a really bad romance novel and/or porn movie. Made me laugh though^^ Which can only be a good thing considering the past few weeks I’ve had.

Boyfriend <3

I feel lucky. I found this guy who is really awesome, funny, nice, gorgeous, huggable, sexy… the list goes on. I really, really love him! Thinking about him makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside .

The past few weeks haven’t been that good for me. I’ve been feeling pretty sad and so for most of the time… I’ve had flashbacks and panic attacks, I’ve been close to hurting myself again, I’ve cried… And he’s been there for me, offering a shoulder to cry on, drying my tears, hugging me, generally just made me feel better about it all.

I love him.

Not just for the things he does, but for things he doesn’t do. He’s never tried to push me down, he’s never forced me to do something sexual I didn’t want to do, he’s never hit me. These are things I expect from someone saying they love me, but from all the stories I’ve heard it still makes me happy that I got into a relationship without all that shit. I’m really bad at breaking bad habits and taking care of myself. So if I’d ended up in an abusive relationship I’m not sure I’d get out as soon as I should.

When getting off the phone today boyfriend asked if I was ok with it.. I’ve been practically breaking down practically every night so far this week, so he made sure I was feeling ok before hanging up.

I love him so much I sometimes feel like I’m going to explode.

I love him.

Issues x3

I hate eating disorders, specially my own. It’s getting worse again, I find myself skipping meals and not feeling hunger. Not as bad as it used to be, not worse than what could be called normal when under stress… But for me it’s really bad. I need to stop skipping meals.

At least I’m not back to hurting myself… I was really close the other night >.< It hurt so bad and that lighter was lying there tempting me. I ended up throwing it across the room…

I really hope that I’m not going back to hurting and starving myself, I really hope it’s “just” the stress and stuff connected to what happened last summer. Cos it is really stressing when you can’t stop thinking about it even if you’re in the middle of a final.

There was a discussion on shaved heads today in my maths lesson. I nearly panicked >.< He used to shave his head when we were younger. He only really let his hair grow back after he was sixteen or so…

Sometimes passing notes can remind me of him. Nadia, him and me used to have three-way conversations in school when we were kids. Talking about Nadia, I got a text from her about what I told her. I still makes me happy that she believed me, without any other evidence, when all three of us used to be so good friends… I makes me pissed off that her believing me makes me so happy. Why shouldn’t she believe me? I don’t think I’ve ever lied to her in my life, we’re almost as sisters! I was so scared she wouldn’t believe me..

I’m going to spend some time with her tomorrow ^^ Haven’t really talked to her since I told her some of what happened.

Back in Counselling

I went and talked to that counsellor lady today. It wasn’t as scary as I’d thought it would be ^^ She actually seemed nice.

I skipped maths today. I needed to get to the pharmacist before going to see the counsellor lady, and I wouldn’t have time after the lesson, so technically it wasn’t skipping xD

I met up with Lina first, and then we went to Kvinnofrid*. When we got there my heartbeat was racing and I was close to freaking out… I calmed down in time for my appointment though^^

Oh, and I might suffer from PTSD. She can’t tell for sure, but from what she knows so far** it seemed the most likely explanation.

Got another appointment in January.

*Still don’t know how to explain it >.<
**She knows I’ve had a couple of flashbacks.

Interesting Post

Read this!

Flashback

I had another flashback this morning… >.< One good thing is that I think I’ve found out one thing that triggers them, which means I can avoid that :D

On Tuesday I’m seeing that woman from Kvinnofrid. I don’t know how to translate it, but it’s an organisation helping women who’s been hurt by men. Like rape and domestic violence and other horrible things.

No Sad Stuff

I got tired of all the depressed posts so today I’m just going to write about happy things :D

Day before yesterday was our anniversary :D Me and boyfriend have been together for a YEAR! That’s a long time according to me. And my two friends who are working on their seventh year together can just shut up xD This relationship makes me happy and I hope it’ll last a long time.

I just finished reading the book I started reading a few days ago. The book sucked, but at least it didn’t end the way I thought it would^^ It wasn’t a happy ending, but with what had happened in the book and the way all the characters behaved it would have been hard to come up with a happy ending without it feeling like a plot hole.

I had lunch with boyfriend yesterday and we started talking to this lady who had a granddaughter who was my age. I like talking to people who’ve lived greater part of their lives and seem happy with how things went. Grumpy old people can be very annoying to talk to.

I got a bunch of comments my last post about a comment. I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who took their time to write a comment. So thank you :D

Comments

I get comments on my posts about what happened last summer. Most of them make me happy as well as makes it easier to deal with. Then I get one that hurt and really pissed me off. It started off well enough..

Rape is NOT your fault at all! The only time it would be your fault is when you go out and try and find a guy to rape you, but then that’s not really rape is it…
There is no reason whatsoever that it was your fault. EVEN if you COULD have prevented it, it still IS NOT your fault.

Apart from the rambling it sounded nice.. Then he went on:

Dammit, get this into your head and your subconscious mind. I get so frustrated when girls think this way!!

Well, I get frustrated with attitudes like that! It’s hard to get over things like rape. Have you ever been raped? Talked to someone who has?

BUT, there may be a evolutionary basis to your guilt and emotional trauma. I will say something now that you will not agree with, but it IS true. RAPE in itself, is NOT as bad as most people think. YES, if the guy does it because he’s angry with the girl then it makes it worse. But there ARE MANY guys out there who dont rape because of anger or because they want control. They act out of extremely strong sexual urges and many of them do not wish to harm any girl physically.

Now it just got worse. Rape is not sex. Rape is horrible. Rape is treating someone else as less than human. If they have that strong sexual urges they can bloody well masturbate! The body won’t know the difference. But the way porn looks these days a lot of men don’t seem to know the difference between sex and rape, which is very sad.

So if they force sex on a non-consensual girl all it is is harassment, physical harassment, nothing more, nothing less.

As if physical harassment doesn’t impact people? Abuse, whether physical or sexual, can leave deep scars and make the victim unable to feel safe.

What the hell is the difference in sticking a banana up the girl or sticking his dick up her, or his finger??? Not much if you have a careful look at it.

Well, first of all, sticking a banana or a finger up a girl is also rape. Second, with a banana or a finger you don’t face STD or pregnancy risks. Sticking anything “up the girl” is a violating and will often hurt just as much as forced penile penetration.

Girls should view it as physical harassment which DOES NOT and CAN NOT affect their lives. ONLY time it could is when a rape is so violent that the girl ended up in hospital very badly hurt, that then is no different from being physically hurt to the same extend, without being raped.

Can not? Where do you live? It affects you greatly! It poses risks of STDs and pregnancies. It’s a major dismissal of you being a person to be treated with respect. Throughout the comment you sound like physical harassment is no big deal. It is a big deal and can affect someone as much as rape does.

RAPE is nothing compared to killing someone. Non-violent rape is nothing compared to physical abuse from guys that punch you or kick you so that you end up in hospital.

Well, and replying to your comment this way is nothing compared to if I’d hunt you down and punch you? Pneumonia is nothing compared to HIV.

The quicker you view rape as nothing else than forced sex upon you which CANNOT and SHOULD not be allowed to affect your life, the better for you.

What the fuck do you mean with cannot? It sure as hell can, did you read any of my other posts on the subject? Did you read/hear about any other rape survivors experience getting over it?

Get the heck over it, someone stuck some external body part of their into you, so blimming what!!!! How the hell should that cause you extreme trauma etc etc.????

Easy for you to say, you don’t have to live with the memories. You don’t have to live with the flashbacks, the depression. How the hell is caused me pain? Being viewed as less than a human but more of something like a blow up doll, why shouldn’t that hurt? Being treated with utter disrespect? Come back when you know what it is like when someone “stuck some external body part of their into you” when you said no and tell me it didn’t hurt you at all.

No, stop it! And eye for an eye, so go punch the guy lights out, and forget about it. Come on dammit, dont be fooled by societies warped view of rape.

Hurting him will not make me hurt less. And please just shut up. Another equally disrespectful comment from you will also be deleted.

Today

Today I went through the day like a zombie. I was so tired I just felt like lying down on my desk and taking a nap. I also felt like I wasn’t really there. When Bite Me asked for my help with a simple maths question* I couldn’t figure it out at first. When maths doesn’t work for me you know it’s BAD.

I got a comment on my last post, Ian said: “You were there, he used you. But it could have been somebody else – anybody else.”
That is true. He even told me he’d preferred another girl**, but “you’re the one who’s here”.

I still don’t think he really knew that what he did was rape. Since a rapist is very hated I think they justify it for themselves. Rape is horrible, but what they did wasn’t rape. She said yes, didn’t she? And she acted completey normal after the incident, which means she can’t have disagreed to it? Right?

I don’t like humans…

*You were supposed to figure out how much tan(190)-tan(10) was without the help of a calculator.
**None other than my former bully.