Sometimes I Remember

Sometimes I remember
The darkness of my past
Bringing back these memories
I wish I didn’t have
Sometimes I think of letting go
And never looking back
And never moving forward so
There would never be a past

Search Terms

I’ve had people tell me in comments it might be easier for other people who’ve experienced something similar if they see they are not alone.

I think they are right. I checked what search terms* people have found me on. Usually I’ll get people searching for stuff like “Bored and horny”, “How to tease boyfriend”, “I love my boyfriend so much”, “sex first time”, “how do I get boyfriend to go down on me” and other relationship and/or sex related things. Since I started writing about what happened last summer I’ve started getting searchers who look for things like “raped +survivor” and other such terms.

I hope that if any other rape survivors stumble over my blog it’ll help knowing you’re not alone.

*Then I also get weird search terms like “I hate my step-kids” and “wings of hell”

I’m Freaking Out

It’s no better today
I never thought it would end up this way
You’ve got something to say
Don’t want to hear it if it gets in my way

I was talking to a former classmate, Lina, today. She told me about her previous relationship. Her ex had raped her pretty brutally, much worse than what happened to me. Mentally I don’t know which one affected us the most, but at least I didn’t get any physical injuries.

After a while I kinda let slip about what happened to me. Not a lot of details, but pretty much the gist of it. She told me she was talking to this woman who was specialised in that field. Lina also asked if I wanted her to ask this woman to call me and set up an appointment cos it sounded like I needed to talk about what happened to me.

I won’t be able to pick up my phone if I don’t recognise the number. I’m not ready to talk about it yet… It’s freaking me out!

Another thing that is freaking me out is how many people I know that have been raped. In my mind it was never me or my friends who were raped, it was strangers, numbers in a list, faceless people in the newspapers. Never anyone I knew and definitely never me. I wasn’t a victim! I could say no, and if I was raped I’d report it to the police.

Well, that’s not really what happened is it?

University

I’ve been looking through different programmes that seem interesting. Graduating in June, so I’ll be applying to different unis in Sweden and abroad soonish.

Just found out that I can’t apply to one of the programmes I want to apply to. They require a maths course I haven’t takes *sob*

Found one pretty interesting programme in Scotland and other fun things in Norway and Denmark… As well as a couple of things a bit closer to home. I don’t think boyfriend would be too happy if I moved abroad.

If I find something that I really, really want to study and it just happens to be abroad I think I would be prepared to move even if that meant I wouldn’t see boyfriend very often. Much as I love him, I don’t want him to get between me and my education. I’d miss him terribly though…

Mostly what I’m looking for is something to do with Mathematics. That is most definitely my favourite subject. I really like number and how they work together.

I found one programme I might apply to which is very close to where boyfriend lives as well xD

I Just Want to Sleep Dammit!

When I’d just started falling asleep last night I got a text that jolted me back to the land of the living. Cursing I checked who’d sent it and what they wanted.

Tony* asked if I was at [insert name of a nightclub]. I texted him back and said that I wasn’t there, then I rolled over with the intention of falling asleep. No such luck though. Tony texted me back and said he was on his way there and asked how I was doing.

I said I was feeling ok, and tried to fall asleep again. I got another text where he said he was worried about me and asked if I wanted to meet up with him. I replied and said that he needn’t worry about me and that I was busy with school work over the weekend, but maybe next week. He replied and said he’d call me sometime during the weekend.

Finally I could fall asleep.

For about ten minutes then I got the next text, this time from boyfriend. He asked if I was awake.
“Now I am,” was the reply he got. So he called me and said sorry for waking me up and asked if I’d rather go back to sleep or talk to him for a few minutes.
“Well, I’m awake now,” I said. “So I can talk to you for a few minutes.”

I don’t really remember much from the conversation cos I was half-asleep through it all. Mid-conversation with boyfriend I got yet another text from Tony. He said that if I wanted to meet up I was always welcome.

By now I was so tired I was getting frustrated, so I hung up with boyfriend and sent a text to Tony telling him that right now, I just wanted to sleep.

He woke me up one last time though, to say good night.

Finally, at sometime after 1AM I got to sleep.

*I decided the one night stand needed a name, so he’ll be Tony from now on.

How I Coped

The first month or so after the rape I coped by saying that I’d had sex for the fist time and it hadn’t been very good. So I didn’t see it as rape, just a bad sex.

After a while I started seeing it as bad sex where I hadn’t really wanted it. I still didn’t call it rape since he hadn’t physically forced me and I hadn’t really said no.

Some time after I’d had that one night stand I saw the difference between sex I wanted and sex I didn’t want. So if asked I said I’d been pressured to have sex when I hadn’t wanted it. I still couldn’t call it rape.

I didn’t start calling it rape ’till I got the reply to my question over at Scarleteen. When someone else, with a lot of knowledge in that field, called it rape… I tried to look at it as if a friend had told me it had happened to her. That was when I saw it as rape the first time. Had it happened to anyone but me I’d've seen it as rape from the very start.

I Don’t Know What to Do!

I don’t know what to do… I’m trying to write that essay for Swedish and I just don’t know what to write. I really don’t like the way this teacher gives us assignments, they are so.. undefined. I have no idea what it is he wants me to write… I just can’t get past a sentence as it is now.

I just don’t know what to do…

And it’s going to affect my grade for sure. We changed teacher and think my grade will drop. With my old teacher I was somewhere between A and B, now I have no idea if I’ll even pass the class.

I hate how much I care about my grades too. I’m nearly crying from frustration!

I seriously have no idea whatsoever what it is he wants….. GAH!!

To Do

I’ve had the attention span* of a two year old on a sugar high these past few days. So school work have “piled up”. Compared to some people I have very little to do.

-Write a speech for English with a good introduction and conclusion.  Half-done, due in on Monday.
-Write an essay on 1984. Not even started, should be finished 26th
-Finish reading 1984. Three-quarters done, should be finished by 26th.
-Write an essay for Swedish. Not even started, due in tomorrow.
-Type up the protocol from the last student council meeting. Why, why did I volunteer to be the secretary? Half-done, have to be done by Monday at the latest, preferably earlier.

Tomorrow is not a regular school day though. It’s a day to catch up on school work and re-sit tests you’ve failed. So I have lot’s of time to get done. I just feel really stressed cos I can’t concentrate… And I need A’s on all of it too.

*When it comes to school work or anything not related to my little “problem”.

I Can’t Deal With This

I can’t deal with this. I’m too scared of telling anyone about what happened. Why? I’m scared people will blame me.  It’s bad enough that I blame myself, I do not need someone else doing it when I technically know it wasn’t my fault.

“Well, if she did get drunk on her own..”
This does not excuse what he did. He made me do something I did not want to do. It doesn’t matter if I was drunk or sober. In a way it makes it worse that I was drunk since it is a lot harder defending yourself then!

“I didn’t think much good would come out of you staying alone with a guy for a week.”
Well, he was my friend! One of my best! I trusted him… I hadn’t seen him in ages.

One of the reasons why I’m so scared of telling anyone who knows him is cos he acts really nice*. It was only that week I spent at his place were he acted like a complete jerk. Looking back, I think that the niceness was just a façade. I look back and it’s like he always was a jerk, just damn good at hiding it. Now that façade was shattered by the drugs he did**. So I think that the reason he was such an asshole was cos the withdrawal period just didn’t leave enough energy to pretend to be nice…

*Well most of the time. He is one of the few people I’ve been in a fist fight with. I won xD
**He’d been clean less than a month when I visited him, not sure what he’d done, but pretty much anything you could smoke.

Ok…? #2

Another dude started IMing me tonight. Where do these people find me?

[21:16:57] solomon35 says: hi
[21:17:31] solomon35 says: am suleman
[21:17:32] [Mortality] says: hi
[21:17:38] [Mortality] says: do I know you?
[21:17:46] solomon35 says: no
[21:17:55] solomon35 says: but do u mind to
[21:18:23] [Mortality] says: mind what?
[21:18:43] solomon35 says: introduce myself
[21:19:38] solomon35 says: we could be friends if u interested
[21:19:50] [Mortality] says: ok…?
[21:19:56] [Mortality] says: how’d you find me?
[21:20:13] solomon35 says: hope not bothering u
[21:21:41] [Mortality] says: not really…
[21:22:23] solomon35 says: thanks
[21:22:42] solomon35 says: i will put my picture to see it
[21:23:07] [Mortality] says: ok
[21:23:56] solomon35 says: hve u see it
[He changed his avatar to a picture of what he said was him.]
[21:24:06] [Mortality] says: yeah..
[21:24:12] solomon35 says: ok
[21:24:48] solomon35 says: u look so beautiful
[21:24:59] [Mortality] says: thanks..
[21:25:14] solomon35 says: but  i do not know ur name yet
[21:25:18] solomon35 says: !!
[21:25:21] [Mortality] says: [Mortality]
[21:25:36] solomon35 says: nice to meet u [mortality]
[21:26:00] [Mortality] says: nice to meet you too
[21:26:07] solomon35 says: thanks
[21:26:38] solomon35 says: i wil tell u a little about myself!
[21:27:07] [Mortality] says: ok
[21:27:57] solomon35 says: am half caste father is ethiopian and mother is eygption
[21:28:07] solomon35 says: am 35 years old
[21:28:13] [Mortality] says: I’m half swedish and half danish
[21:28:32] solomon35 says: oh reall
[21:28:34] solomon35 says: !!
[21:29:21] solomon35 says: am living in gulf countries qatar
[21:29:35] [Mortality] says: ok
[21:29:44] solomon35 says: working as shipping operation supervisor
[21:30:21] [Mortality] says: im still in school
[21:30:44] solomon35 says: still looking for my sule* mate
[21:30:51] [Mortality] says: ok…?
[21:31:06] solomon35 says: u still in school
[21:31:08] solomon35 says: !!
[21:31:13] [Mortality] says: yeah..
[21:31:23] solomon35 says: god bless u
[21:31:33] [Mortality] says: ok…?
[21:31:53] solomon35 says: which collage u r
[21:32:19] [Mortality] says: high school
[21:33:19] solomon35 says: ok
[21:34:04] solomon35 says: i think am so old man
[21:34:23] solomon35 says: i pass high school so ong back
[21:35:39] [Mortality]says: ok…
[21:35:51] solomon35 says: am sorry if i introduce myself without any presention
[21:36:14] solomon35 says: but really u r polite and pretty young lady
[21:36:33] solomon35 says: am pleased to know u
[21:36:44] solomon35 says: thanks again
[21:37:04] solomon35 says: hope we could talk again if there is achance
[21:37:39] solomon35 says: pls accept this small gift
[21:38:01] [Mortality] says: huh?
[21:38:30] solomon35 sent file “45810161-60541909.gif” to members of this chat
[The .gif image was a pink, sparkly thing spelling out "beautiful"]
[21:42:21] solomon35 says: see u
[21:42:23] solomon35 says: bye

Seriously, I don’t know how to deal with the dudes IMing me and not trying to get me to send them naked pictures of me…

*I’m guessing me meant soul mate xD 

“How are you?”

Today on my way to class Bubblegum Boy caught up with me.
“How are you?” he asked as we climbed the stairs.
“I’ve been better,” I told him, trying- as I had for most of the day- to not start crying.
“I can tell,” he said. I just stared at him. I’m usually really good at hiding when I’m feeling sad. Like really good. I was depressed and tried to kill myself without anyone really noticing.

But then I guess someone going through the whole day with eyes just threatening to overflow with tears is pretty clearly not feeling too well.

Saturday Night Home

After dinner I stayed in the living room to watch a movie with his parents, but boyfriend didn’t want to see it. So I spend commercial breaks with him. One of the times I was in his room he was kissing along the line of the panties.
“Tease,” I said when he pulled me into a hug.
“Will I be a tease if I go down on you?” he asked me. I shook my head. He pulled my trousers half way to my knees and pretty soon had me moaning. He is really good at oral sex!

I missed a couple of minutes of the movie but it was definitely worth it xD

When the movie was drawing closer it its end boyfriend went to take a shower and emerged smelling very nice. He’s also shaved, which I definitely didn’t mind ^^ What we did do after his shower is a bit hazy though. Tiredness and repeated orgasms do that to me. I do remember an orgasm so strong I was trembling for several minutes after.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder?

Ian left a comment on a previous post:

I know I’ve gone this route before, but not so specifically. Have you ever considered that what you have been going though in the aftermath of this rape might be Post Traumatic Stress Disorder? It is treatable through the right counselling, but it first has to be diagnosed. You do show some of its symptoms sometimes.

My first thought was that I can’t suffer from PTSD. That’s a disorder war veterans deal with, not me. Then a vague memory resurfaced. I’d read somewhere that rape survivors can suffer from it too.

So I googled the symptoms.

This is one of the articles I found.

• Re-experiencing the trauma: flashbacks, nightmares, intrusive memories and exaggerated emotional and physical reactions to triggers that remind the person of the trauma.
• Emotional numbing: feeling detached, lack of emotions (especially positive ones), loss of interest in activities
• Avoidance: avoiding activities, people, or places that remind the person of the trauma
• Increased arousal: difficulty sleeping and concentrating, irritability, hypervigilance (being on guard), and exaggerated startle response.

Re-experiencing the trauma- Could say that. I don’t have nightmares about it though, the rest pretty much describes me.
Emotional numbing- Could say that. But not enough to be a symptom I think…
Avoidance- Kinda, but not really.
Increased arousal- I’ve had difficulty sleeping my entire life. The exaggerated startle response pretty much describes me though, but I’ve been that way a long time as well.

Basically, I don’t really think it is PTSD, but I definitely do have a problem.

Pissed off and Annoyed

I’m kinda annoyed at one of my friends. I don’t like his opinions on some things. On rape and reproduction rights more specifically.

When first giving a short description of what happened to me, but not saying that it was me who went through it, he basically said that it was my own fault. So yeah, just that made me pissed off. He changed his mind later when I started crying though, but I’m still a bit pissed off.

Also he thinks men should have some kind of “opt out” option when it comes to pregnancies.
“Women can chose to be mothers, there is abortion after all,” was what he said and that annoyed me a lot. Men do have a choice. They don’t have to have sex.
“Women don’t either,” was his response. Well, men more or less already have the option to ditch. If you can do it legally won’t change a thing.

Pregnancies is something else. Men don’t have to be pregnant for nine months and then go through labour for a day or so. Men don’t have to restrict what they eat and drink for about a year*. Men don’t risk dying**.

Also, if men get to “opt out” of being parents, who should take care of the kids? It’s not fair that the responsibility of two peoples’ actions should belong to one person alone.

*More if they decide to breastfeed.
**No, pregnancies in the West hardly ever result in death, but it still happens.

Not a Good Day

Last summer I was raped. I have been very good at blocking it out and blaming myself, but I’ve recently started dealing with it. I sent in a question to Scarleteen, and I got the answer yesterday. I started crying. There were several reasons for that. I still partially blame myself, I’m so pissed off at him. He has no idea what he put me through.

I panicked yesterday, I was crying so hard I couldn’t see where I was going and was nearly run over by a car. I really wanted to talk to someone but boyfriend was at work and at first I couldn’t think of anyone else to call.

I managed to control the crying to the point where I could actually see anything and went through my phone book. I have over a hundred contacts in there so there just had to be someone I could talk to.

There was.

I don’t know why I didn’t think of Mary before I stumbled upon her name in my phonebook. I know she couldn’t judge me or somehow think it was my fault. I just didn’t have much money left on my phone so I sent her a text and asked her to call me, which she did.

I’m so happy I could call her. She asked that if what happened to me had happened to someone else, would I think the victim was somehow to blame. Of course I wouldn’t. It still feels a bit like my fault, but I still partially blame myself. I feel like there was something I could’ve done.

Anyway, I’ll learn to deal with it. And I have my friends and my boyfriend to help me cope.