Making out Like Teenagers is a Good Thing!

There are two things that could be better with my sex life. One is that I get sore too easily and the other is that I’m bloody impatient. I love lot’s of foreplay, lot’s of making out before the clothes start littering the floor. I’m just too impatient >.<

Last night was different though. I’d made up my mind to make out like teenagers* for as long as I could stand it and then a bit more. I love making out even if it doesn’t lead to sex. I don’t think I’d stand a relationship without making out and snuggling. The sex is great, but I think I could do without**.

So back to last night. Lot’s of kissing, nibbling and some biting. Both of us were getting hornier and hornier. Boyfriend tried going down on me, but I stopped him. I wanted some more making out. He was pretty surprised since the only times I’ve stopped him before has been after several orgasms when I can’t take anymore.

A while later boyfriend said that he thought it would be a good idea for me to lose some clothes.
“Better if you undress me,” I told him. He responded by tugging at my t-shirt, but couldn’t get it of since I was lying on my back. I moved around a bit to make it easier for him. Few minutes after that we were both naked and horny and kissing and caressing.

I was so horny I felt like I couldn’t stand it much longer, but didn’t do anything more than hold boyfriend tighter and kiss him more fiercely. Boyfriend bit my neck and now I definitely could not stand it anymore. So I pushed him so he was on his back and straddled him. I bent down to kiss him and slowly pushed myself down on him. When his cock was fully inside me I bent down to kiss him again, moving slowly up and down. Since I was moving slowly it was almost like torture. Boyfriend might have thought something along the same lines cos he started thrusting upwards, increasing the pace.

I got of him and tugged at him, wordlessly asking him to get behind me. I was too horny not to form a coherent sentence. Lately I’ve found that fucking from behind feels the most intense for me. He pushed inside me, and started thrusting. I gasped. He increased the speed. I bit the blanket.

*I AM a teenager for another three-hundred and forty days, so I’VE GOT AN EXCUSE

**Big fat lie. I’d go nuts if boyfriend decided to prove to me that it wasn’t all sex. I’d probably go more nuts than him!

ARGH!

Scratch part of what I said in the last post. Now I’m pissed off. Boyfriend’s little brother’s friend is bloody annoying! He asked me where boyfriend was and I told him he was at work.
“Why don’t you go meet up with him?” he said in a very accusing tone. Like I was super lazy or a bad girlfriend for not going to meet up with boyfriend when he got off work.
“Why should I?” I asked.
“It’s not like you got anything better to do,” he said.

Well, I might not be doing anything productive, but I don’t like wasting half my life on buses that might be on time. I already spend waaaay too much time on buses and trains just to see boyfriend, and getting to see him half an hour earlier is not enough to make me go to his work. I do love him, but I seriously dislike wasting several hours commuting. A lot of yesterdays nearly two hours on buses/trains/subways I just can’t remember since I completely spaced out.

GAH!!!  I hate it when people tell me what to do!

Something is Wrong

Something is wrong with me and I don’t know what it is. I just can’t seem to deal with life right now…  There isn’t even anything that is wrong. School is working out fine and there is nothing wrong with my family or friends..

So what is wrong then? The only thing I can see would be me.

I just feel numb. Sometimes I’m not even stressed about school, and that is highly unusual. Last time I didn’t stress over school at all I think I was ten or younger. The stress I’ve been feeling about school might not be healthy, but no stress at all can’t be healthy either! And when it’s me who’s not stressed there is definitely something wrong.

Sometimes it’s like all my emotions went on vacation. I know they are still there somewhere, I just don’t really feel anything.  Which really scares me. I’m used to really strong emotions and crazy moodswings. So what’s wrong with me!?

The scariest thing of all? I haven’t been horny at all in over a week. I was teasing boyfriend this morning right before he had to leave for work, and when he tried “getting revenge” I asked him to stop. Not cos I didn’t want to get too horny when he was just about to leave, but because I didn’t get horny.

I need to figure out what’s wrong >.<

I Hate Mondays

The creepy text I talked about wasn’t that creepy after all. It continued like this:

“

Or not ;) Did I scare you? This is a mean chainletter as revenge for other mean chainletters you’ve gotten. So go on getting revenge or made someone horny ;)”

I did not find it funny. So instead of feeling freaked out I just feel stupid for missing half the text. At least I didn’t reply to it when I still thought he was trying to get into my pants. Speaking of getting into my pants…

I went to my first gynecologist exam today. It was kinda scary, but not as bad as I’d though. I got an explanation to why it had been kinda itchy and I know how to get rid of it too. It’s not an STD and the most annoying thing is that the cure doesn’t go well with condoms and since I forgot my little pill yesterday means a week without sex for me >.<

There were some good things with today though..
Two of my friends were playing chess and the guy who usually loses won. He didn’t win all on his own though, but he “bought my silence”. They both agreed that he’d won and that no one else would know any better, when I said I’d witnessed the whole thing. So he bought my silence for a sandwich and a soda. God, I’m cheap xD Made me kinda happy again though ^^ I still hate Mondays though…

And boyfriend said that if I want to give him a good birthday present I can just buy my self some lingerie and let him see it on xD

Party and Creepy Texts

The party I got invited to was pretty fun.

I’d ended up staying at boyfriend’s the night before the party. I was pretty close to panicking on my way there, but a phone conversation with my mum actually helped. Then boyfriend hugged me and gave me ice cream.

Boyfriend had to go to work in the morning, and I kinda made him stay in bed a little longer than he had intended I think ^^ When he left I went back to sleep. When I got up I finished a book I’d started reading the day before and watched some TV. Nothing really interesting.

On the train back I met a friend of Ria’s. She told me Ria* was in town over the weekend. I haven’t met her since August 7th and she’s moved nearly 250 kilometres to go to University. So hearing that she was here made me happy and I called her. I asked if she was also going to the party, which she was.

I ended up going to her place before the party. Which meant I got dinner :D I also went through some of the clothes she’d sorted out when she moved. So I got some “new” clothes too.

When we got to Bella’s* place there were already some people there. I knew some of them, but definitely not the majority of them. Bella, who was turning twenty that day, was running around with a glass of wine in one hand and a pack of cigarettes in the other, desperately trying to get the five minutes she needed for a smoking break. People were showing up all the time so she was running between the door and balcony all the time.

I don’t remember in which order all of these things happened.

A friend of Bella’s boyfriend turned up and spotted me.
“I recognise you!” he said and pointed at me. “You went to [name of my school]!”
This made me giggle, cos last time I met him was at Nympho’s* birthday party last year. Then he’d come running after me as I was leaving saying he recognised me and then asked if I went to [name of my school].

Nympho went around kissing all the girls she knew at the party, including me. She does that when she’s drunk. Like, a lot! There’s a reason I’m calling her Nympho in my blog, and her being horny most of the time is one of them. Later I saw her making out with the guy who’d recognised me from school.

Lina* was very happy with one of her classmates for making out with her sister. Reason? He was from Iraq and her sister is kinda xenophobic. She was even more happy with another of her classmates for taking a photo of this. I asked if she was going to blackmail her sister.
“I might” she said, looking mischievous.

I got a text from an internet friend.
“I’m horny.. are you? I know we’re only friends, so it feels weird writing this kinda stuff. But you really are supersexy and in some way right now it feels like I really would like to try having sex with you. For the first time.”

This really freaked me out. A lot! He knows I have a boyfriend, and last time I checked (before my MSN went haywire) he had a girlfriend! I showed Ria the text and she was really shocked. I’ve met this internet friend and Ria tagged alone cos I didn’t want to go see him on my own. Our conclusion was that he’d just broken up with her, gotten drunk (but not to drunk since his spelling was very good) and was really horny. Still freaks me out though….

The “dance floor” in Bella’s apartment consisted of Ria, Nympho, me and this other girl I hardly know dancing. Once in a while joined by some other people we forcefully made dance with us. Among others the guy who’d been kissing Lina’s sister.

When people started to get too drunk me and Ria left. She drove me home and I was actually home before midnight. As I went up to bed I passed by my mother’s room and she woke up, really surprised that I was home already. I told her I’d met Ria and gotten a ride home. Before Ria moved she was the one of my friends (not counting Nadia) who lives the closest to my place, so it wasn’t that much of a detour for her.

All in all I had a pretty good time at the party. We left when it was still fun, but we knew that soon people would be too drunk for a couple of sober girls to have fun.

* former classmates.

Crying in School is Stupid

I met some of my former classmates in school today. They invited me to a friend of mines birthday party which is tomorrow. She’s turning twenty. If I want to go I have two options. Either sleep at home and then go there, or check with boyfriend if I can stay at his place and then go. I still haven’t decided what to do… Which surprised me. I didn’t throw myself at the chance of staying with boyfriend. After about five minutes I’m crying, I have no idea why.

Either way, I managed to calm down, get my books, and go to the classroom where my next lesson was. Bite Me and Bubblegum Boy where there already. I sat down at the same table and didn’t really think about anything special. And I’m crying again. Bite Me noticed, and moved over so he sat next to me, asked me what was wrong. And all I could tell him was that I didn’t know.

I don’t really know why I was crying to be honest. I have some vague reason I can’t really put in words… Which really annoys me! And I still don’t know where I want to sleep tonight…..

Sorry for the short post, I’m feeling kinda numb and can’t figure out anything more to say…..

Don’t Judge a Book by It’s Cover

I look really innocent and slightly younger than I am. I don’t talk a lot about what happens in bed with boyfriend. So far no one but boyfriend and anonymous internet people (aka readers of this blog) know about the this.

I’ve been seen as a prude and not really interested in sex by a lot of people. Me making out with random guys in a night club (pre-boyfriend of course! Sure, I like sex, but I’d NEVER cheat) really surprised a friend of a friend I hardly knew.

I’m the kind of girl people thought they had to explain all the dirty jokes to, the girl who was most likely to “wait for marriage”, the girl least likely to enjoy blowing her boyfriend. The girl who’d never have a one night stand cos she was all about love=sex. And if she ended up having sex it would most likely be the guy initiating it. Also if I said I’d never tried masturbating no one would’ve though I was lying.

A bit after I got together with boyfriend a friend of mine, vNypho, found out. This was like a week after we’d gotten together.
“So,” she asked me. “How far have you guys gone?”
“Uhm, they are together,” another of my friends said.
“So you’re not a virgin any more!” Nympho exlaimed. “Congratulations!”
And then she hugged me.
“He wasn’t the first and I slept with him before getting together with him.,” I told her. Nympho just looked at me like I’d sprouted a second or third head…

I’ve been masturbating since I was somewhere between six and eight. I was ready to have sex years before I actually did. I just didn’t find anyone fuckable ’till I was seventeen. I’ve just never wanted to draw too much attention to myself.

I have a higher libido than my boyfriend. I know some times when I’ve really wanted to fuck him and he was too tired or had a headache (happened once actually xD). Of course there have been times when he’s wanted and I didn’t.

I did have another couple of points, but I got distracted and I’m getting really tired now so I’ll leave that for another post. Night all!

Random Monday

Today will there will be a bunch of random facts about me, my life and this weekend.

Some of my classmates got beat up by kids this weekend. Four of my classmates along with the twin-brother of one of them got jumped by thirteen 14-or-so-year olds on the Saturday.
“We couldn’t hit them back,” was the general agreement between them. “They were so tiny, like half a metre shorter than us!”
The one who got beat up the worst got hit over the head with an iron bar and got a concussion along with a busted lip. The other one who got hit has a cut below his eye.

I wore a skirt to school today. That hasn’t happened in three years. The last time I was sixteen, had no self esteem whatsoever and got payed by two classmates. I actually kinda like my new skirt^^ Bite Me said that apart from the skirt and sweater I looked like I’d run away from an Anime. I had white leg warmers with the skirt xD

In Physics, a guy in my class said, “Speaking of nothing, can you extract DNA from poo?”
This had the majority of the class laughing as the bunch of immature kids posing as quasi-grown up we are.

I read this folder thingy from Doctors Without Borders and there were some diseases mentioned I’d never heard about. So I just had to look up kala-azar. You can learn something new everyday. I also learnt two new words in my English lesson today.

I got a belated Happy Birthday text from a friend who’d been in the middle of moving 250 kilometres to a new town where she didn’t know anyone. She’s going to college there now. She is also the one who payed me to wear a skirt three years ago. And lent me the skirt in question.

My cordless phone ran out of batteries over the weekend. I’d forgotten to put it in the charger when I left Friday morning.

Boyfriend’s family loved the pie I baked. According to all of them, if his youngest brother likes something it’s good! And his youngest brother wanted to kidnap me and make me bake him pie everyday. He also nearly walked in on me and boyfriend having sex this morning.

I have to research the Israeli point of view on the Israel/Palestine conflict. Just kill me already! I already know what I want to know! Kids who throw stones at tanks gets shot. A wall is being built between farmers and their land, between people’s works and their homes. And they bombed Lebanon for two kidnapped soldiers and when people tried going to the UN to try and find a solution USA would veto everything cos “they need to be able to defend themselves from terrorists”. Yes, I’m biased. No, I’m not anti-Semitic, I don’t have anything against Jews. I don’t even have anything against Israelites, only the people killing and building walls and the people making these decisions. Meh, might be good for me to find out more….

Also Windows Live Messenger is acting up for me. I can’t loggin. Anyone got any suggestions, feel free to leave a comment. It says my contact list isn’t available.. *grumble*

Not a Very Good Night’s Sleep

Last night was pretty weird for me…

Me and boyfriend didn’t stay up that long, but we were both really tired when we went to bed, and boyfriend fell asleep almost immediately. I was awake a bit longer cos boyfriend is a bloody tease. His hands were all over me even if he was sleeping.. When I did fall asleep I had a really weird dream. I dreamt that there was some kind of portal to a dungeon full of treasure in a mall but the dungeon was full with water so you couldn’t get to it. I dreamt that I was pushed through the portal and woke up feeling like I was suffocating.

A little while later I fell asleep again. This time I dreamt that boyfriend’s best friend was getting married. As far as I know she doesn’t even had a boyfriend so I’m pretty sure she’s not getting married any time soon. She was in this dream though and boyfriend was going to be bridesmaid. He was even going to wear a dress and in the dream there was nothing weird with that. I woke up cos boyfriend was grinding his teeth really loud in his sleep. I also pushed at him a bit to make him stop, which he did after a while. Then his hands were back to stroking me so I had a slight problem falling asleep again.

When he rolled over so he couldn’t reach me any more I finally managed to fall asleep. I dreamt again. This dream was not remotely fun. I dreamt that I walked in on boyfriend cheating on me. With the one girl that would probably hurt the most. She looked absolutely delighted in the dream though.. In the dream I did what I probably would’ve done should something like that happen for real. Stay really calm on the surface, get out of there as fast as I could and break down crying. I must’ve moved a lot in my sleep cos boyfriend woke up. He then woke me up. For the first few seconds after waking up I was really unsure of what was real and what was a dream. When I was properly awake I didn’t have much trouble distinguishing the two. Boyfriend would never do something like that!

Since I’d had that nightmare we woke up a bit before he had to leave for work.. I must say I think that time was pretty well spent^^ Boyfriend definitely knows how to get me off. I don’t even know how many times he made me come.. I was too preoccupied to count them ;)

When he’d left for work I fell asleep yet again and got  up around noon. Can’t say I’m very well rested though. Hopefully I’ll get a better night’s sleep tonight^^

Just Another Thursday

I bought a skirt today. One that wasn’t really short or really long, just a bit over my knees in length. I’ve never owned one like that, nor have I actually wanted to have one. And I bought it and I think I’ll wear it. According to Bob it looked really nice, and Dev said it was too long like the little perv he is.

My mum is going away for the weekend so I’m going to stay at boyfriend’s even though he’ll be working half the weekend. Will be nice to see him^^ Even though it wasn’t that long ago since I last saw him I miss him… I love him, easy as that.

I’m not completely sure how I’ll spend my weekend yet. I might see my aunt on Saturday if she has time.. Or maybe I’ll see a friend if he’s got time. I was thinking of maybe baking a pie for his parents. I’ll admit that I’m good at two things. Numbers and making crumble pie. Boyfriend claims I’m great in bed, but I don’t know if I’m actually good or if it’s just that I’ve learnt what boyfriend likes so he thinks I’m good.

A newish friend of mine recently lost her virginity. I met her through Bob cos they happened to become classmates this term. She was all giddy about it but wouldn’t tell us anything other than that she’d only met the guy twice and it was a spur of the moment thing. Proved by the morning after pill she swallowed and the booked appointment to check for STD’s. I take it that it wasn’t completely worthless at least. If I’d had a condom on me then she’d have gotten it for sure xD

I had an English essay for today that I wrote during my lunch break. Another girl who takes the same class had apparently spent close to fifteen hours on her. AND SHE THOUGHT MINE WAS BETTER! And I spent less than an hour on the bloody thing O.o Either way I got it done :D (Mental note to self: never leave stuff like that for the last second! Its bad for grades!)

It’s also nine months since me and boyfriend got together :D That’s a long time! It’s 75% of a year! Boyfriend told me this was his first relationship where he didn’t have any doubts after this amount of time.
I did have some doubts but that was like seven months ago.. And those doubts were more along the lines of “can I really have a working relationship when I’m not working properly?”

“But what do you think?
Maybe we could be soul mates
But maybe not (maybe not)
But maybe so (maybe so)
If you never try
Then you’ll never know”
-Limp Bizkit

Here I am Once Again…

“I’ve become so numb I can’t feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware”
-Linkin Park

Back to writing in lyrics I guess.. I just feel really numb, like I can’t think straight, like all my feelings have been hidden been locked up and I’m not the one who has the key. The only emotion that seems able to surface is stress. Stress over homework, stress cos my friend is feeling down, stress cos I need to find out what to do for the project-thingy I’m supposed to be done with in May and spend a hundred hours completing.

I don’t know what I should do, but I really don’t want to see a therapist again. It did help some, but since I’m crap at describing my problem no one can help me properly. And since I’m very calm when I’m not panicking, people who’ve never seen me break down can’t even imagine me doing so.

I’ve been thinking too much about things from the past that still hurt. I can’t stop. Last week I saw the “ring-leader” of the mini-gang that made my life hell for a couple of years. And I was almost back as that fourteen year old with no self esteem whatsoever, back as the fourteen year old who just wanted to end it all. Thankfully I didn’t have to talk to her and Nadia was there. She and Nadia seemed to get along ok though, which didn’t really make me happier. The whole reason this chick hated me was cos I was friends with Nadia whom she hated. So I don’t really see how they get along now.

I’ve also been thinking some about the first time I met boyfriend after we broke up (before we got back together of course…) That night… Well, I don’t know how to describe it, but it still hurts to think about it too much. It’s a mix of not being over it completely and scared something similar would happen again.

In a way I guess I do need the help I could get from a therapist, but the only way to accurately describe my problem would be by linking them here, and I seriously do not want to do that! So what should I do? A councelor wont be able to help me unless I can tell them anything. And I don’t just talk about how I feel with complete strangers. And my friends can’t do anything but listen and hug me if need be.

I think I need a hug…..

I Got CAKE! :D

My aunt, grandparents and boyfriend were at my place this weekend. We got CAKE! :D My mum bakes awesome cakes and I’m pretty good at decorating them, I’ve had some practice. Usually my job to do that part^^

I got presents too^^ And my mum and grandmother did too. We all have our birthdays with in a week of each other… I got lot’s of nice things and pretty soon disappeared into the imaginary world J. K. Rowling created. Only coming out to hug boyfriend a couple of times and of course, CAKE!

Other than that I’ve been pretty stressed with school…

I also had a minor break down yesterday, still not completely sure what it was about..

Sorry for the short post….

Lyrics for Descriptions (kind of a rant)

I was looking at a profile of mine that hasn’t been updated since the last time I felt depressed. It was full of lyrics that I felt described me and how I felt. I’ve been reading them, and I still think the apply, just no exclusively like they did back then. Now they just apply some times. Those times are also getting fewer and further between.

So I thought I’d post them here and write a bit about it. I’m not really expecting people to read this, I just need to do it, for my own sake… I’m cutting of this post like this in case people don’t want to see a bunch of lyrics with my comment beneath.

What If?

I’ve been thinking today, about how my life had been without some of the “major” things that happened to me. I wonder how much of the me I am today would still be left.  Would I be the same person if my parents had gotten that divorce back in 1991 instead of waiting eight years? Where would I be living had they not stayed married?

What if we hadn’t moved from the country I was born in? How would I be now? Even if the two countries I’ve lived in share a border, they are pretty different. What kind of person would I be? The only thing I know for sure is that I’d be better at my second language if we hadn’t moved.

For a period of time shortly after my brother was born, my dad lived with another woman. He still showed up daily to see me and my brother, but he didn’t live with us. What if that had never happened? What if he’d stayed in love with my mother? What if he had realised that how he sometimes acts isn’t ok and actually changed. What if he hadn’t turned out to be such an asshole?

What if I’d never suffered from depression? If I’d never tried slitting my wrist in a failed attempt to end it all? What if I’d told someone anything about this? I wonder how I’d turned out if I hadn’t suffered the emotional bullying I did. What if I hadn’t “met” the ringleader yesterday and been reminded of it all?

What if I had never met boyfriend? How would my life look like now? Would my self esteem have increased?
Or what if we hadn’t gotten back together? How would I be today then? What if we’d never broken up in the first place. What would our relationship look like today? Would it still have become what it is today? Would I still trust him the way I do?

What if I hadn’t retaken a year in school. I’d be done with school now, or I’d have failed it miserably.. I’ll never know.

To be honest, I find myself thinking about things like this once in a while, but never really wanting to find out what would have happened if….

I’m fairly happy with my life right now.

Birthday

I wasn’t going to tell what day my birthday was, but I’ve posted things here that are more unique to me than the day I was born.

So yeah, I’m turning nineteen today. One last year of being a teenager^^ I wouldn’t have minded skipping nineteen and being eighteen for another year though xD Twenty is pretty cool and so is eighteen, nineteen is just the year in between.

I got presents :D And I’m getting more of them on Saturday^^ I also got a bunch of texts, IMs, PMs, posts on a message board and a call wishing me a happy birthday. That made me very happy^^ People remembering without me telling them makes me happy^^

My mum came into my room ’round 8.15 AM and asked if I felt well enough to go to school today. Cos then I’d have to get up. I got up, but didn’t feel very well so I went back to bed.
“You need to call in sick if you’re going back to bed,” my mum told me so that’s what I did. Then she left my room, only to come back ten seconds later wishing me a happy birthday.

Then she left again and I heard her reminding my brother what day it was, heard them whispering about something and then they came back.
“Happy birthday to you,” they sang and then I got presents. My brother had bought me a CD and my mum gave me an eyeliner and a new mascara. She said I’d get the rest of her presents on Saturday.

In a way I actually like not celebrating on the actual day. Then it feels like I get two birthdays xD This weekend we won’t only be celebrating my birthday though. Both my mother and grandmother have their birthdays within a week of mine.