One Year Today

Today was exactly a year since I stopped talking to my dad.

Yesterday I broke down in a café I frequent. To my surprise the first one to notice me crying was this guy who’s formerly annoyed me so much that I offered him a chat with some fish.

And he was the first to notice me crying. Which means he’s redeemed himself in my eyes. I actually told him this today and he was very shocked. Then he asked me if it was ok for him to hug me from now on. Hugging is the way we greet each other at that place. I said it was ok. Then I got a hug.

Yesterday I was worried I’d break down completely today and since I knew boyfriend had the day off I asked if he could come and see me after school. He said he could. Which made me very happy! I love it that he can travel for an hour and a half to see me for a few hours. Specially since that is only one way. Actually I love him.

There were other people who made the day bearable for me as well, and a few other nice things along with them.

All in all I didn’t start crying today, I just came pretty near.. I love my friends ^^ And I love my boyfriend!

I Found This

When looking for stuff I’ll need in school tomorrow I found a few pages in the back of a notebook. I had no memory of writing the words those words.

On one of the pages I found this:

“You can’t play like you’re daddy now cos you weren’t around”
“I’m grown without you”Fuck him. He takes off, hardly seems to give a damn bu and buts in om on my sex-life.
Fuck him!
Takes off, never gives us nothing but a few measly emails a dat. Oh, and says a lot of b shit about my mum.

Fuck him!

It’s in ink and there were a few misspellings crossed out as you can see.

On the other page I’d written:

Why can’t I be happy for more than 48 hours?
Why is everything going to hell as soon as thing start working out?
Why can’t I believe that people actually care about me?
Why is it so hard for me to fall in love?
Why would I do that? Why do people fall in love with me?
Why am I so damn curious?
Why do I take jokes about me so serious?
Why do I feel so worthless?
Why do I feel fat?
Why can’t I see myself as other do?
Why am I so easily irritated?
Why can’t I just be happy once in a while?
Why do I become depressed so easy again?
Why do I ask so many things? Do I even want answers?
Why don’t I get any answers?
Why, why, why, why, why, WHY??!?

Both of these must’ve been written within weeks of each other. And both after my 18th birthday. Both was written before I started seeing the counsellor.

They both show I’ve come a long way in only a year.

Two Last Days of Summer Vacation (part one)

I was supposed to meet up Daisy and return some things I’d borrowed. We were also going to go clubbing that night with our boyfriends. She’d told me that she wasn’t going to the rave, even though Angel was.

This is what happened:
Daisy’s phone is off so I give up and go meet my boyfriend at work. Seeing him again was definitely nice. I’d missed him…

I try calling Daisy a few more times during the afternoon, but then forget about it. Much later, as me and boyfriend were heading out I call her boyfriend. He said she was somewhere with Angel. So I call Angel instead. Daisy more or less yanked the phone away from her and asked why the hell I hadn’t called her.
“Well, your phone was of,” I tell her. We decide that I call again when we’re a bit closer to each other. Daisy and Angel were heading to the rave anyway.

And then they were somewhere else and waiting for someone and it all got messed up. Boyfriend got a bit pissed as well. My memory is a bit hazy to be honest.
Anyway, me and boyfriend decide to go home again. He was also a bit tired from work and I wasn’t really in a party mood anymore.

So we get off the bus and I was pretty silent, trying not to cry. I just felt like everytime  I try to plan something it all gets fucked up. Boyfriend tried coming with counter-examples but couldn’t really. All the times I’d asked him to come along it had been someone else doing the planning.

So I end up kinda depressed and crying. Which isn’t even the worst. I had a pretty vivid flashback. I remebered why I was sad that night. And somehow I just wish I hadn’t. It was all my own fault…..

On our walk from the bus and home my mum called. This dance company had their 40th anniversary and would be having a free show the day after. Mortality back to happy again.

More Stress but Sorting Things Out (some mini-ranting)

So I got the timetable fixed after some time. And I got some homework to cover the lesson I missed.

I’m also going to be very busy with school and have limited Internet access the next two weeks. So I might not get one entry a day posted, but I’ll do my best. I can only get online once I get home and that is after 6PM more or less everyday.

Other than that I fixed the twenty minutes I had to be in two places at once.

My Religion teacher is going on maternal leave in a while. She is very pregnant right now. I hope we get a decent sub but you never know. I’d hate to have my grades fucked up. I’m trying to get all A’s this year. And I’m having eight classes so that gives me quite some school work.

I’m also very broke at the moment. I used up all this month’s money on my buscard. Hopefully I’ll get some money for my birthday though^^ My grandparents and my aunt will be coming over. Nadia and boyfriend are both invited but I don’t know if they’ll come.

Another reason why posts my not be as frequent is that I don’t want to post while I’m in school. If need be the administrators at school can see every webpage I’ve visited and I so do not want any of my teachers stumbling on this page!

So yeah, will be working on the post about the weekend now^^

Stressed Out

First my train was almost half an hour late so. They had some problem with the doors in one carriage and we had to get off and catch the next train.
I was late my first day back in school.

Then I had to run to take out money to by my buscard and not miss the bus so I’d be on time to my dentist appointment. Now I’ve got five more scheduled over the next two months. Had a little accident with a door a few months ago.

Then I apparently missed my first English class cos I didn’t yet know when or where I had that. It was also clashing with my physics lesson. I’m supposed to be at two places at once twenty minutes a week. Jippie!

Then I had a fight with my mum on our way home. We don’t see some things the same way and I was pretty grumpy to start with.

When I got home I had to talk to this guy who owns a resturant. One of the people working there was going to go on vacation and I was going to take part of her shift. Now I’m not sure I’ll be able to due to the mess with my timetable, and then I got to know she might not even go on vacation.

On top of everything I just got my period this morning.

I’m not in a good mood today.’

Will get up a post about the weekend tomorrow^^

Some Things are Just Sick! (semi-rant)

Different people get turned on by different things. Some of the things that get some people horny are complete turn offs for other people.
In my opinion things that only happen in someone’s imagination is always ok. Cos as long as it only happens in your head it doesn’t hurt anyone.
Some people like different kinds of sex, that’s just normal. I don’t think there is one thing on earth that everyone likes or dislikes, be it sexual or not.

But a few things are just sick. Like adults enjoying sex with kids. Eeew! Age difference is one thing, two adults can have a very fulfilling sex life even though one of them is twenty years older than the other. But if the younger one is still in the age of single digits? Or pre-teens? And the older one is in their 30s? EEWWWW!

I know a lot of people get off on things I think are total turn off, but let’s agree that pedophilia, when not just in the heads of people, is SICK!
Things like BDSM or anal sex are not sick. It’s just another kind of preference from main stream sex. Some people love it and some hate it. As long as everyone participating are ok with what’s going on it’s fine.

I read in a newspaper, can’t remember which, that there are people that believe having sex with a virgin can cure AIDS. So some guys rape young girls (the younger the better, some babies got raped!!!) in hope of being cured. More often though, they just spread the disease. That is sick in so many ways!

Rape is always wrong and often not even about the sex. It’s about power. One of the things I think is really disturbing about rape is that victims often get blamed. “She was wearing a short skirt.” or “She was really flirty and had made out with several people.” or things like “She’s had sex with several people.” are apparently things that make a rape less of a rape. How is raping a sober virgin with a burqa worse than raping a girl who’s had several sexual partners and is wearing a short skirt worse? But that’s how society views it.

A friend of mine was almost raped a few weeks ago. She’d been on her way home after a night out. She was wearing a short skirt and was tipsy. This guy followed her and pulled her into a bike shed or something, with her screaming her head of. Luckily someone heard her and called the police. The police arrived at the scene about the same time the guy started tearing off her clothes.

How is this not rape? The police asked her how much alcohol she’d had that night. How many sexual partners she’d had. If the way she’d dressed could have suggested she wanted to be pulled into a shed and raped?

What the fuck is wrong with the law enforcement here?

Temporary Amnesia?

I’ve never had a hazy memory due to alcohol. The stuff I can’t remember from when I was drunk I wouldn’t have remembered anyway :P I have had some blanks in my memory cos I was upset though.

A few months ago I was going clubbing with boyfriend and a couple of friends. I remember everything up to the moment I got to the club. From the time I spent at the club I remember some glimpses of what happened; from the moment I left the club- nothing, completely blank.

I’ve managed to piece together from what people told me later, so I now know almost everything that happened.

Me, Angel and a couple of other people had been to a free concert in a park on the afternoon. We’d been making fun of the bands and after a while gotten so cold we went to a burger joint just to get out of the cold. Two of the girls in the group bought hamburgers and the rest of us were just joking around.

Slightly before nine everyone but me and Angel went to the club. Angel didn’t want to get there the second they opened and I didn’t want to leave her alone. So me and her went back to the concert, laughing and talking. When we got too cold we went to the subway and waited ten minutes for a train. Even though walking to the club would take less time we decided to hang around and wait for the train. We were fixing our make up and generally giggling a lot. We were also tipsy by now. Angel wanted to drink something before getting to the club and she hated drinking alone so I got a cider too.

When we got there another regular said we didn’t look like ourselves.
“We’re gonna change,” we told him and headed for the ladies room. On our way there we met boyfriend. He’d forgotten his phone at work so he hadn’t been able to call me. From this point on I can’t remember much.

I’d apparently talked a lot to Angel’s then boyfriend and not remembered a thing. I didn’t even remember he was there!
I’d been pretty hungry, but there was nothing there to eat. This I figured out on my own since I hadn’t had anything to eat since breakfast that day.

Then something happened that made me sad. I’ve asked boyfriend if he knows what, but he can only tell me that we didn’t really fight and that no one else was involved. So my conclusion is that something minor happened that I freaked out about.

Either way, we left. A friend said I didn’t look to happy and I’d replied “Why should I be happy?”
This I have no memory whatsoever about. And the stuff happening after this is completely blank.

Boyfriend and me had gotten home. Stopped midway for some snack. Apparently I’d  eaten a Snickers and I don’t even like them. Shows how not there I was. When we got to boyfriend’s place I’d gone to the bedroom to get changed and he’d gone to the bathroom. When he got to the bathroom I was lying on the floor, unconscious. He almost panicked and tried to get me on the bed. When I woke up I had no recollection of the past two hours. So I tried to figure out what had happened.

I still don’t know what I was so upset about, and I suspect I never will.

Bad Habits

I’ve had a couple of bad habits during the not-so-many years I’ve been alive. One of them were self harming. I’ve written very briefly about it before.

I used to hurt myself in three different ways. I’d cut myself with one of those disposable razors, I’d burn myself with a lighter and I’d dig my nails in under my ribs. With the lighter I’d just look at the flame, waiting for the iron part of the lighter to get hot. Then I’d press it to my arms. I was usually careful enough not to let it burn me too much, cos I didn’t want any visible wounds.

With the razor I’d pull it across my torso, not even going deep enough to bleed, just deep enough to sting. This part of my body is easier to cover up, so I wasn’t as careful about what the wounds looked like. I even have a few very faint scars. No one but me sees those scars they are so faint.

Digging my nails in under the ribs hurt like hell, but didn’t leave any marks at all. Nothing. Still I only did this when I was very sad and had no razors or lighters close by.

I didn’t do this shit for attention. I didn’t want any attention, so I was always extremely careful not to let it show. No open wounds, no visible scars. The reason I hurt myself is that when I was hurting physically the emotional pain wasn’t as bad. As soon as it didn’t hurt anymore the emotional pain would come back with double force.

I was also never really into cutting. I think I cut myself less than ten times in total. The burning on the other hand, that was really hard to stop. I didn’t even have to be really down to sit with a lighter to my fingers. Happily feeling the flames… I’ve been sitting in a café with a bunch of friends burning myself with no one noticing. Just cos it doesn’t leave ugly burns doesn’t mean it’s not hurting like a bitch.

I did stop with the burning eventually… But to do that I needed help from a counsellor. Sometimes I’ve been very close to starting again, but so far I haven’t. Those panic attacks I’ve written about? I was inches away from going looking for one of my lighters.

School Starts Soon

I’ve been on summer vacation for a looong time. Feels like ages at leas. I have done some fun things and been bored out of my mind some as well. The fun stuff included a week in Greece and seeing my boyfriend and friends. The not so fun part included mindless hours spent staring at my computer screen cos I just had nothing else to do, not seeing my friends for ages. One of my friend’s I’m used to see daily; over the summer I’ve met him twice.

I’ve felt really cut-off from my social network, and that drives me crazy. Been a bit down about it too. Those panic attacks I’ve written about, basically cos I hadn’t seen my friends in a long time and I read about how much fun they were having with each other on their blogs. And since they’ve been busy off line I haven’t even gotten to talk to them that much on-line.

Anyway, school starts in less than a week and I really look forward to it. I usually think the last day of the summer vacation comes along too soon, this year I’ve been wanting school to start almost a month in advance. I’ve never felt that way, and I’ll probably long for vacation once it does… But seeing to my friends regularly again I’m definitely prepared to get up at 6.15AM every morning. And I don’t like getting up in the morning. I want to get up when the morning is over and it’s already day! I really need to see my friends more often!

At least I’ve been able to see boyfriend pretty often. Then on the other hand, he took time to see me. My friends have been to caught up in their own business to call m, and I’ve been to scared of calling them. I know that’s just my insecurities speaking, and I managed to call some of them some times and get to see them a few times at least^^

It’s also my birthday soon. It can’t be worse than last year, that’s for sure. Might write a post about that sometime later if I can be bothered to and if just that day is enough to fill a whole post. Birthdays most often cheer me up, either it’s my own or a loved one’s.

Also boyfriend’s birthday is in little less than two months ^^ I wanna find him a nice present, but can’t really come up with anything.. I’ll have to ask him what he wants. I missed out on giving him a Christmas present. I had one in mind, but that one relied on somebody else to cooperate so that one didn’t work :(

Meh, can feel the side effects on a medicine kick in now >.< Hopefully I’ll never have to take that medicine again!

Can’t Stand It

There are some things just I can’t tolerate in a relationship.

Cheating-
This pretty much speaks for itself. I had a hard time getting over someone even thinking about it, had a hard time trusting him after that. So if just thinking about it hurt so much, how much would actually cheating hurt? I might be able to forgive it, but I doubt it’d be easy to move on from it.

Too much jealousy-
A little bit of jealousy, like not being too fond of me still being in touch with ONS, is ok. When it comes to not tolerating my male friends it’s too much. Being too jealous is a sign of not trusting me enough. And if someone feels like they can’t trust me I won’t be able to trust them either. And trust is a key ingredient in a healthy relationship.

Physical or emotional abuse-
This does speak for itself, so I don’t think I need to even elaborate on this one. Why should I stay in a relationship when it makes me feel like shit?
In a healthy relationship you want your significant other to make you feel good.

Do I even have to mention that boyfriend is the opposite of a cheating, too jealous abuser? ^^

Lunch With a Friend

One of my best friends, Nadia, live practically next door, yet I don’t see her that often since I’m not home very often. So today I wanted to go see her.

When I came there Nadia was just putting her youngest son (six and a half-month old) to sleep. This was a bit problematic with the older one jumping around wanting his lunch. When I came it got a bit easier since I managed to distract her older son from distracting her.

“She not eating here,” he said when his brother was sleeping and his mother was setting the table. He’s in that age when he doesn’t want anyone else around when he’s with his mum.
“If she want to she is eating here,” my best friend said and set the table for three.
I like eating there, cos both she and her husband are really good cooks. Today was no exception.

In the middle of the meal Nadia’s mother came. They live about a minute away on foot, so the kids see their grandparents almost daily. She came to say that she was leaving for a few days and just wanted to say good bye.

For some reason we started talking about abortions and capital punishment. I don’t see how someone can be anti-abortion but pro-death sentences. (Nadia’s mother is anti-abortion and pro-death sentences)
Apparently some people deserve death, but a fetus haven’t done anything to deserve death but some criminals have.

When we were done with lunch we cleared the table and Nadia did the dishes. About this time her youngest son woke up and started whining, so she went to the bedroom and tried to make him fall asleep again. No such luck though.

“Let’s make chocolate balls,” Nadia suggested. Both me and her almost three year old thought it was a good idea and went to work. I ended up doing most of the work, since she had her arms full with baby and the other kid was more interested in eating the ingredients. The results tasted very good though ^^

We didn’t have time to eat them all before her husband came home from work and they had to leave. The almost three year old was getting vaccinated against tetanus.

They should be back now, so I’m heading over there again. I hope they haven’t finished all the chocolate balls ^^

Template for an Essay

[insert general information on Amnesty International]
[Insert the specific stuff on capital punishment]
[insert own thoughts on Amnesty International, or actually, type them xD.]

if (essay=bad)
{
exit;
}
else
{ return 0;
}

Mine and a friend’s start at an essay we had to do for school. We always manage to get good grades despite joking around like this^^

More Reasons Why Boyfriend is Amazing

There are several reasons why I think my boyfriend is great, one of them being the full body massage he gave me this morning. If I was a cat I’d be purring from the memory.

I think boyfriend woke up before me this morning, cos one of the first things I remember is him hugging me and saying he loves me. We stayed in bed, just hugging for some time, me still being half-asleep. It usually takes some time for me to properly wake up.

Before I’d properly woken up he told me to get on my stomach, I was getting a massage. I did as he asked, but was still kinda tired. So he had to undress me. Massages feel so much better with no layers of clothes in between.

He started with my back, me just laying there really enjoying it. Still being pretty sleepy made it better actually. I react so much more to things when I’m sleepy. Not just to good things like boyfriends hands on my back, but I also get angry or depressed much easier if I’m tired and/or sleepy.

When he was done with my back he moved on to my arms, and then the hands. We didn’t really have any massage oil, but body lotion works just fine^^ Also my whole body was nice and smooth when it was done :D

When he was done with the back of my legs, he told me to turn over so I was on my back. He was going to continue with the front of my body. At this point I was pretty horny, his hands all over my body has that effect on me. When he was done with the massage he kissed me. Mmh, I like massages, I like kisses. This was definitely a really nice morning.

When he’d kissed me he moved down on the bed again and a few seconds later he started eating me out. The morning just got better^^ Before he made me come I moved away so I had better access to his cock. He wasn’t completely hard yet, but a few seconds with his cock in my mouth made it hard for what I wanted. Him inside me from behind. Him fucking me from behind has turned into one of my favourite positions actually.

It’s slightly amazing how easy we have to get each other horny… I’m not complaining though. Massage and sex, both with a guy I love a lot, and both which are awesome on their own, does it get better?

Annoying People (Rant)

Hypocrisy really bothers me.

And this guy on a certain forum I frequent bothers me even more.

I’m a vegetarian. I don’t bother meat eaters with long lecures on how bad it is to eat dead animals. I don’t freak out if my friends eat meat at the same table. I don’t try to convert people to vegetarianism.

Since I haven’t eaten meat in a long long time, my body don’t produce the enzymes needed to digest meat. So if I do eat meat I’d be sick.
Apparantly “In the world of sanity we call that a medical condition an illness almost.”

“I challenge anyone to seriously work out for two hours and not crave meat afterwards. If you can achieve that [...] you will drop dead at 30 due to malnutrition”
I was a dancer for a while. I managed fine without eating any dead animals. I will not drop dead at thirty, cos I have a nice and balanced diet. And I sure as hell don’t appreciate some moron claiming that “If you’re not an omnivore you’re abnormal and should be treated as such. Probably should be put in some sort of clinic.”

Well, this is the same guy who claimes that Hitler was a good leader and that the world needs more people like him. Who claims blanket statements are for the greater good and thinks that a relationship with no lies won’t work.
Bloody fool.

Wiiiieeee (rambling about dentists and teachers)

I got a dentist appointment :D  I’m gonna get my tooth fixed :D
I don’t know anyone who actually likes going to the dentist, but I’ve always liked it. The dentist I went to as a kid used to give us toys ^^ I don’t remember anything about him/her but I remember what drawer they had the toys in (second one from the floor)
The dentist I’ve been seeing since moving to this area is really nice. He’s from South Africa so he’s got a funny accent^^ He’s very careful and really tries not to hurt the patients if he can avoid it. When it comes to teeth you got a big bunch of nerves in that area so stuff can hurt a lot. That’s what anaesthetics.

They’ve also published the preliminary timetable at my school’s website. I’m getting a new teacher in physics :D My old one wasn’t very good. She also couldn’t keep the class quiet so even if she was good at explaining stuff no one could hear her. I still have her in maths though. There she isn’t much better, but I’ve been teaching myself maths since 7th grade.
Turns out I’ll probably get a new Swedish teacher too. Even though the majority of my class complained about our old one I think she was ok. Could have something to do with her really liking me and giving me good grades though xD

Also I won’t start school too early any day, or end too late :D That’s good. I do have more classes than last year though. But last year was silly. I had more free periods than scheduled classes. One good thing with my empty schedule was that if boyfriend had a day off chances were pretty high I had that day off too, or at least hardly any classes.

Anyway, I’m off to the subway station now. Meeting a friend ^^