What Scares Me.

The future. It really scares me.
Why?

Apart from a very brief period when I wanted to become a vey I’ve never really had any dreams for my future. In all those “My friends”-books there’d usually be a question asking what you want to be when you grow up. I’d usually answer happy. That’s all I know. I want to be happy and I have no idea what I want to actually do. I have no idea what career I’d like to try out, where I’d want to live, if I want to go on to Uni or if I even want to grow up. (No, I’m not suicidal! Been there, done that.) My future is just… blank. I can’t imagine what my life will look like even a year from now.

Trusting people too much scares me.
Why?

I’ve been hurt, by people who weren’t supposed to hurt me.
I’ve been betrayed and let down, but people who were supposed to look out for me.
I’ve spent a year actually believing that people would be happier if I was gone.
I’ve spent two years in my own little personal hell called depression without anyone noticing. Not my mother, not my best friend. None of my teachers seemed to notice how I’d gone from cheery and outgoing to barely talking to people. They didn’t notive how I went from always doing my best in school to not giving a fuck.

Also I’m scared of boyfriend suddenly dissappearing. I care for him so much is scares me…
I’ve come to depend on him, and I don’t mind. Me, who has a problem with being dependant on her mum is just fine with depending on boyfriend. It fucking scares me!
I seriously don’t know what I’d do without him. There are very few people I can’t picture my life without. He is one of them. (Not to be confused with people I don’t want to picture my life without)

Life scares me and I’m stuck with living it ’till the day I die.

A Nice Day (part II)

This is part two. You can find part one here.

After we’d seen the movie boyfriend and me headed down to the train station. We arrived about fifteen minuted before our train was scheduled to leave, but we had to wait for the next train since it got cancelled. On the ride up we didn’t do much. Talked some and got into a silly discussion. Forty-two minutes later to the station where we were getting off. From there it was just a short walk to Slussen, where we found ourselves a decent spot to watch the fireworks from. They had had some kinda boat show or festival or something, not too sure what to be honest xD. I just came for the explosives xD I love fireworks! The look so pretty and glittery ^^

As soon as the last “boom” had echoed away we left so we’d get to the train before all the other people did. Waiting in line is not funny, specially if it will make you miss a train. We almost missed a train, I was nearly caught in the doors, and once we got to where we were changing to a buss we had to run again. Barely making it to the bus in time.

Back at his place we brushed our teeth and what not getting ready for bed. Once in bed we started watching an episode from some series he follows. I don’t really know what’s going on. We didn’t watch it to the end though… We got kinda distracted.

He’d gotten a jar of honey as a present from me when I got home from Greece. I went through a lot of trouble to get it home. Anyways the point is he had some ideas for how to mix honey and sex. Trailing some over my body and licking it up, not stopping till it was all gone and then kissing me. I of course had to let him know he tasted like honey.

(Side note: I love honey. It tastes great! When I was a kid we set up a Whinie the Pooh sketch in school, and some of the kids thought I’d do a good Pooh since I loved honey too.)

Kissing someone who’s just licked honey of your body is defintely a turn on for me. So I just had to see how different it would taste with honey on his cock. So I dripped some on there, licked it off and made him gasp. I grinned and reached up to kiss him and went back down, just for a quick lick.
“There was some honey left,” I let him know, still smiling.

He told me to lose the last of my clothes (ie my panties wich was the only item of clothing I had left) and get on my back. I did as I was told and he proceeded to trailing more honey over my body, this time around my pussy and some on it even. So when he licked that of it he was actually eating me out.
“All the honey is gone now,” he let me know when he’d stopped. “Want me to continue anyway?”
Of course I did. How often would I say no to that?

While he was licking me I stopped him for a short time, asking him to do something for me later. He agreed and went back to what he was doing getting me closer to the edge every second. When he did make me come he didn’t stop. He never stops ’till I’m more or less fighting him off.

This time he didn’t let me catch my breath before fucking. That’s what I’d asked of him. When I’ve just come I’m so much more sensetive, so fucking feels more. And when the time period between me coming and him pushing inside me so short… It was good. Faster most of the time feels better too and boyfriend can go fast. Making it feel really good. After some time he was exhausted so we just lay there hugging for a while, gathering enough energy to pull out and clean up. I told him it was definitely among the best sex I’d ever had.

Issues

I wrote in another post that I had some issues with my weight. I have and have had some other issues too. In this post I’ll write about the issues I’ve had with sex.
Due to a certain asshole I had some serious issues with sex from behind. Whenever boyfriend would fuck me from behind I needed a lot of kisses and touching to know that he actually cared for me. When it came to doggy stile I would’ve flat out refused had he asked me. Now I can sometimes handle it, but only if boyfriend helps make absolutely sure I can’t let my mind wander.

I remember once when I was reminded of the aforementioned moron. I pulled of and absolutely had to change positions. I’m not sure what would’ve happened had I not done this. Suffice to say is that boyfriend is wonderful.

I’ve never had a problem with receiving oral sex like I’ve heard other girls and women being. I’ve had major issues giving though. When I started getting interested in having sex I was slightly grossed out by oral sex to be honest. I don’t know why, but it wasn’t the usual stuff like taste or smell.

Then the first time I went down on a guy.. I’d told him I didn’t want to earlier and he called me silly. That weekend we’d talked about going out clubbing, but in the end he wasn’t up to it. So he bought some booze and we got drunk at his place. Tipsy as I was my resistances were lowered and he actually got me to do it.

He wanted me to swallow. Which I refused. He’d say a lot of silly things to try and make me do it. Along those were that swallowing would make me more beautiful. Next time he’d gotten me to blow him he didn’t tell me when he was about to come so I just barely avoided a nasty surprise and got his load on my shoulder. ICKY!

How did I get over that? I’m just gonna say I’m not completely over it yet.
Second guy I gave a blowjob was my one night stand. We hadn’t had any condoms first. So he just went down on me, he didn’t even really hesitate. So I wanted him to get some pleasure that night too. I didn’t enjoy doing it, but I didn’t dislike doing it either . It was a kind of “thank you”. One major difference between asshole and ONS is that ONS never acted or said anything that might suggest he’d rather have someone else there than me. He treated me as a person and not just an object. Basically he treated me with respect. Still does as a matter of fact.

Then boyfriend came along. I remember the first time I slept with him. Sometime that night he asked if I maybe could blow him. He’d put on a condom if I wanted him to. I wasn’t completely sure what I wanted to do, but thought what the heck, give it a try. If I didn’t like it I could just stop. So I found out I could get him to react. When I stopped he told me it was the best blow job he’d ever gotten so far. This is when I figured out that I didn’t disappoint regular guys by not blowing them. Regular guys wouldn’t keep pressing if they got a no. Regular guys would warn me if they were about to come to I could pull of or keep going. It was all up to me and if I chose to give a guy a blowjob he’d better be damn happy about it. Now of course, boyfriend can expect me to blow him. Not everytime we have sex, not even every week, cos it’s still up to me. And I love giving him that pleasure. I love him. And as far as I know he loves me doing it.

A Nice Day (part I)

I’d set an alarm so I’d get up in time. We (my family and boyfriend) were going to see a movie, but since it was boyfriend’s free day I wanted to see him some before the movie too. So we met up in the tiny town I call home on a Sunday just before 1PM.

My train had gotten there first. I don’t really live in the town, but a few stations away. While I was waiting for boyfriend I spotted my friend E. He was waiting for a train with his dad. They were going to see his cousin who was turning twenty-two. When I saw boyfriend’s train coming I left E and his dad to go see him. After some hugs and some kisses we went back to where E was waiting. They’d just missed a train and had another forty-five minutes before the next left. Since boyfriend and me didn’t have anything planned we stayed and kept them company.

When they’d left we just walked around town, browsing shops but finding nothing of interest. We went and picked up the movie tickets as well as had some lunch, finishing it about the same time all the shops closed so we went for a walk down by the water. The pass we were following was crossed by one coming out of a forest, so we followed that one instead and soon found us up against a tree making out. It was pretty wet in the forest cos it had been raining earlier so once in a while there’d fall a drop of water on us from the trees. I didn’t mind too much, but then the drops of water became more than just the occasional one. It had started raining again. Luckily for us I had an umbrella^^

Somewhere during the rain I felt boyfriend fumbling around with my jeans button. I was pretty horny to start with and this didn’t make me less horny. Specially when boyfriend pulled down my trousers a bit, told me there’d be another first for me and started licking me. Damn, I’m getting horny just thinking about that…. It was good, really good… Me, up against a tree holding on to a black umbrella with boyfriend licking me… It was kinda hard for him to reach properly with my jeans being half-way down my thighs, but I’m telling you he definitely made it feel good.

When he’d gotten me to come he reached up to kiss me again. He didn’t taste like himself anymore, but I seriously couldn’t care less. I love kissing him. I love him licking me and I also love blowing him. Which I had in mind of doing about then. I’d actually though about it before he went down on me, but hadn’t had the chance. So after a few kisses I pulled down his trousers some. At first I just teased him, breathing hot air on his cock, kissing around it. I could hear him breathing, almost moaning, and I was pretty sure I knew what he wanted. So I reached up and kissed him before getting back down and taking his cock in my mouth. He gasped. I took as much of it in my mouth as I could with out gagging and started moving. Up down, up down, twirling my tongue around his cock head… And stopped.
“You are getting better and better at that for every time,” a breathless boyfriend told me. I just smiled and went back to doing what I’d been doing a few seconds ago making boyfriend gasp again. Making him come was a bit messy, but we weren’t exactly short on water.

When we’d gotten back into the town centre my mum called me. She was stuck in a traffic jam cos Iraq had won some football (soccer for you Americans) and there lives a lot of Iraqis in this town who wanted to celebrate. They weren’t short on time as they though cos we’d already picked up the tickets.

I’m just going to say one thing about The Simpsons Movie. If you see it in a cinema STAY TILL IT’S FINISHED! Including the credits, cos otherwise you’ll miss something. Oh, one more thing. It was hilarious as well.

After the movie my family headed back home while me and boyfriend headed over to the train station to get on the next train to Stockholm.

To be continued in a later post, most likely later today. On a side note, I have a lot more details from when I blow boyfriend than the other way around cos the memories from when boyfriend licks me are usually not very coherent or clear for that matter.

Continue here.

My Body and Me.

I used to have a mild eating disorder. I saw myself as fat and ugly, despite being told by other people than my parents that I wasn’t.

I think it all started out when I was ’round nine and I was playing with two friends. They were both younger than me, one by a year and one by nearly two year. And let me tell you this, weight difference between an average nine-year-old and an average seven-year-old is pretty big. The girl who was in the middle was one of those short and thin people, so those two girls wieghed less than me. By quite a lot actually, or it was a lot to me when they pointed it out.

I can’t remeber exaclty what happened, but their weight was withing a kilo of each other. But once we were playing in the youngest girls, let’s call her G, play house. Her father had built her this tiny one-room cottage that we’d play in…

And they said that only people weighing the same could play there, and I didn’t weigh as little as them.

Over the years I’d grow more and more obsessed with my weight. Everytime I was approaching a a new first number (ie. 40 or 50kilos) I’d stop eating for a while. I was horrified over weighing that much.

I remeber the summer before I turned ten. I was on a school trip to a city a few hours train-ride away and there was a pair of scales in the bathroom there. I was curious, so I checked to see how much I weighed. I was tweny-nine kilos. I nearly freaked out! That was SO MUCH in my eyes, when in reality it is as average as it gets. I refused dinner that nigh, first time of many I did that.

As the years passed the only time I’d set foot on a pair of scales was on my annual health check up, quickly forgetting my weight. But I did eat as I should. I didn’t skip meals on purpose and I had proper helpings.

Then I turned thirteen, my best friend moved to England and I was stuck with a pair of girls that hated me. I still don’t know why they hated me, since we’d grown up together. I’d known them for years and one day they suddenly decided they didn’t like me any more.

So I withdrew into my self and became gradually quiter. The local library was my haven. There I could borrow as many books as I could carry, which I often did and ruined two bags by trying to fit too many books into them. And when I read I don’t notice time passing, so I’d miss meals this way. I thought this was good. Maybe I’d get to a more normal weight then. This was I canceled my body’s abillity to tell me when it needed food. I’d eat at meal times cos everyone else did.

Between when I was fourteen and seventeen I lost three kilos but grew several centimetres and went from an a-cup to a d-cup. I also was hungry maybe ten times in all those years.

Apart from my issues with my weight I’d been bullied. So my self esteem was somewhere between zero and minus ten on a scale from 1-100. So I didn’t just see myself as fat, I saw myself as ugly too.

I’d do a hundred sit-ups a day when I was fourteen. My abs were stone hard for a year or so. This was cos I didn’t see anything but fat on my body.

My turning point was when I went to “Gymnasiet” (Swedish equivalent to High School) when I was sixteen. I ended up in a great class where we all had our issues. I think 90% of us hurt our self at least once.
I did realise that I wasn’t alone. There were other people with low self esteem and distorted body images.

My classmates insistance that I was pretty and slender and had a nice body was what halped me take the first step to recovering.
Another friend made sure I ate anough if he so had to pay for the food and shove it down my throat.

So with the help of my friends and later on my boyfriend I’ve been gradually getting better over the past three years. I can now know how much I weight and not skip a meal. I can go to a night club wearing a miniskirt. I can actually see myself as non-fat, as well as abstain from skipping meals on purpose.

Someday I hope I will recover completely.

Bi, Gay, Straight, Asexual.. Does it Matter?

Well, if it’s someone you wanna fuck, yes. Otherwise no.
That’s my opninion at least.

I know a girl who’ll be totally freaked out about gay or bi girls. She’s worried they’ll hit on her. I don’t get it, cos she’s ok with having straight guy friends.
I seriously do not get that.

Then there are people thinking gay people just haven’t met the “right” person of the oposite sex. Why not just accept that some people are gay/bi “despite” havign met a lot of really nice people of the oposite sex.
I’ve met this really great girl who was interested in me, but that didn’t “turn” me gay…

On a whole other note, I’m just starting to realise that I’m not 100% straight. I’m mostly straight, and so far has never really been interested in a girl, but some episodes in my past suggest that I’m slightly bi. Like 90/10 or something. Right now I’m completely sure so I’ll go with “mostly straight” if anyone asks me.
(Well, right now I’m just interested in boyfriend so it doesn’t matter)

When it comes to sexual prefereces there are some guys I just wish had been gay. They were friends who fell in love with me.. And that is pure annoyance. And had they been gay I wouldn’t be their preffered gender so then they’d never fallen for me. Everyone happy ^^

((Sorry for incoherence.. Still not completely myself after my crying fit earlier today.))

Later the Same Day…

Feeling better now. Not completely fine yet, but I think I will be soonish. Or atleast by tomorrow morning.

Also I figured out I really need to clean my room. Dust bunnies are forming colonies in the corners. I hate dust. Well, I’ve been away for more or less three weeks, and before that hadn’t vaccumed for two. So it really needs to be done now.

I might also go see a movie with boyfriend and brother on Sunday if everything works out ^^ At first me and boyfriend had thought about seeing it today or tomorrow when he got off work, but that didn’t work out due to geographical distances and time tables (busses and trains). Well, can’t have everything your way…

Still not feeling properlyback to normal. Crying drains my energy like nothing else does. So I fell asleep before and slept for a few hours. I woke up in time for boyfriend to get off work so when he called me he didn’t wake me up ^^
We talked for a while when he was on the bus home, trying to figure out a way we could see the movie tomorrow. My mum didn’t fancy being my private driver for a day though, so if we see it it’ll be on Sunday when he’s got the day off. Then we can catch a day-time show and get back in time so my mum actually want to pick us up.

I still feel like I need a hug though, and I’ve got a pounding head ache.. Thanks to the crying earlier. I hate head aches >.< So no more crying!

Other than that? Boyfriend said he’d call me later today, so I’m waiting for that and then I think I might be heading off to bed. I’m still feeling a bit wiped out.

One of Those Days Again…

Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck… It’s one of those days again.

Haven’t had one in ages… Just everything seems to make me sad. Even thinking about good things, cos then I’ll be all what if they dissappear?

Even thinking about friends, what if they hate me?

Even thinking about boyfriend, what if he hates me?

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUKFUCK!!!

I just wanna go hide somewhere and not come out ’till I feel ok again….

What the fuck is wrong with me? As soon as everything seems to go ok a day like this abushes me laughing at me for thinking that I might be ok now.

I fear that I’ll never recover fully from all the shit I’ve been through..

I just want to stop crying and get hug…

Or just have someone assuring me that it’s all in my head…

I can hardly see the screen now…

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK!

I just want to be happy dammit.. Is that too much to ask?

I Love You With All My Heart

I was going to write a long post about some things that bothered me, hurt me, and generally pissed me off. Then you called, and since that post was mainly for you to read, I was able to talk to you about most of it. And I am going to do my best to get over this shit now, cos it’s the last obstacle I had to trust you completely. This was the only thing I felt like I couldn’t really talk to you about. I think I managed to explain how I felt about the whole mess and some of the things you said put it all in perspective for me. I love you.
I love you. I really do. Right now, and probably for a long time to come to come, I love, trust and care for you more than anyone else in my life. You just came along from somewhere and became the most important person in my life.

I mentioned you being on my case about homework, I let you read that post and you said that you really just didn’t want to take time from my homework. You didn’t want me to miss out in school for your sake. My point with posting that was that I seriously need to think to come up with anything negative about you, and when I do come up with something it’s stuff that don’t even matter. You aren’t perfect… But you are perfect for me. It feels like you make me whole and I can’t imagine life without you.

I can’t hide when I’m feeling down from you, you’ll see right through it and just be there for me. You know me well enough to see if something makes me sad. Half of the times you’ll even know why without me telling you as well. And when I am sad, you’ll hug me and make me feel better. Even if you can’t make me happy in a second, hugging you makes everything feel better… And I seriously mean everything.

When we’d just gotten back together I was really scared it would end again. It didn’t and now it feels like we’ve been together forever, when it’s been nearly seven and a half months. (Seven months, a week and six days)

I remember once when we were going to rent a movie and were looking at different movies trying to decide which. We were looking at different ones and I remeber you vetoing “Save the last dance”.
Then we finally settled for some action movie and on the way to pay for it was saw some asian B-movie with lot’s of kicking and jumping in it. You picked it up and I said something about liking that kind of movies.
“Really?” you said disbelieving.
“Yeah,” I answered honestly.
“Can I find a more perfect girl?” you asked, more yourself than me.
“I’m not perfect,” was my response.

There are a lot of little things like that I remeber over time. And I hope for a lot more of those moments to come.

I love you with all my heart. I don’t know how to properly make you understand how much I love you, how much I care about you, how important you are to me.

I love you.

Sex on the First Date?

I’ve never had to think about having sex or not on a first date.
The closest I’ve come to a first date was three and a half weeks after I slept with the guy in question.

He wanted to take me to this taco-place. He said that was the best fast food he’d ever had. Other times when we had been in the city at the same time the taco-place had been closed. So we decided to meet up and go eat there as well as do some Christmas shopping and what not. They had this market-thingy in central Stockholm.

So after school I got on a commuter train headed in the right direction. And when he finished work he did the same. He also called me, since we’d be on different trains. When I got to a station he’d pass a few minutes later I got off and waited for his train. So the last six minutes of the train ride we were on the same train^^

When we got off the train he asked me if I was hungry yet. I wasn’t hungry just yet and neither was he, so I asked if he was ok with me doing a quick detour to a CDshop to get a CD they didn’t have in my town for my mum. He was ok with that.

After I’d bought the CD we were hungry so we headed over to the taco-place a few minutes walk away and ordered our food.
And it was good food too ^^ I like spicy food and tacos are pretty spicy^^

When we left, he took my hand. Or I took his, I can’t really remember which. Either way we left holding hands.
Half way to the market place we ran into a few guys skateboarding. One of them was a former classmate of mine. I said hi and we left.

When we’d left the skateboarders out of hearing range I told him that one of them was a former classmate as well as the first of my friends who saw him.
“So you ok with people you know seeing you hand in hand with some guy?”
I looked down, blushing slightly but had to answer yes. I was ok with that.

There was another stop on the way, in a book shop. I love books, and I read a lot so I just wanted to look around. I wouldn’t buy anything this time, as it was too close to Christmas, but I still wanted to look.
I don’t remeber why, but he asked me if I was maybe falling for him. He asked it in a joking way, but that’s when I realised that falling for him was exactly what I was doing.
“Maybe a bit,” I answered him, blushing again. I don’t think he noticed that though, cos he was reading off the back of a book.

At the market place the usual stuff was sold. Home made fudge and knitted hats. Glass sculptures and t-shirts with pretty pictures on them. As well what interested me the most right then, jewelery. I was looking for three earings that’d fit well together since I recently had gotten myself a third piercing in my ear.

We passed a doughnut stand and he bought a couple of doughtnuts, and then I found the place selling earrings. They had these simple ones in silver that I really liked. Smooth, silver, somewhere between 5 and 15 millimeteres in diameter. They were cute and wouldn’t look strange even though my ear-piercings were asymetrical. He said he’d buy them for me, as an early Christmas present. At first I didn’t want him to buy them. I did have some money of my own and they weren’t very expensive.
He insisted, so in the end he payed and I got three pretty silver ear rings in a bag.

On the way to the train we shared a doughnut. He’d bought one of each flavour and we both wanted to taste all of the flavours so we shared. The train ride passed without anything really special happening and pretty soon we were in his apartment.
We tried watching a movie but got kinda distracted ^^

Later that night I asked him, if someone asked if he was single what would he answer?
“If it’s you asking, I’d say I was single. If anyone else asked I’d say I wasn’t,” he told me. Then he asked me the same question. I said I wasn’t really sure. I said I’d probably answer something along the lines that I was single but interested in someone. I was pretty glad that it was dark then, so he didn’t notice me blushing.

We talked some more, about the same topic… Then he asked me if I’d want to be his girlfriend. At first I was too shocked to answer. He actually liked me enough to want to be together with me.
I said yes, I did want to be his girlfriend.

Oh, and we did have sex that night ;)

How Not to Watch a Movie.

Well, that is if you actually want want to see it.

Me and boyfriend were watching one of those Cube movies. The third one I think it was. I haven’t seen any of the other ones so I can’t be sure. He was lying behind me and half hugging me, and since I tend to move a bit when there’s music playing somewhere he accused me of trying to make him horny. This time it was purely non-intentional, but I didn’t mind what happened after that.

Boyfriend’s hands started roaming my body and I love feeling his hands on me. Then I reached out and paused the movie, turned around and kissed him. He of course kissed me back. And that resulted in some more kissing and some making out. As well as some just holding each other tight.

Then boyfriend turned turned around and sine I was holding on to him I ended up on top of him. I didn’t mind and started kissing my way down his body ’till I reached his boxers. I reached up to kiss him on the lips again and then went back down and just breathed on his cock through the cloth. Then I helped him get his boxers off. Or maybe it was he who helped me. I’m not sure which but either way he definitely did not seem to mind xD. Specially not when licked over the shaft of his cock and kissed the cock head. This was followed by me taking it in my mouth and twirling my tongue around his cockhead.

I stopped after a while and went back to making out. A bit later he told me to get my panties of and stand on all four, he wanted to try something new. The only time I just do what I’m told without any questions is when it comes to sex, so I did what I was told to find out what he wanted to try. Licking me in that position.

For once he actually didn’t make me come when we moved on to fucking. I love feeling him inside me, but if I’ve just come when he enters it me feels more. So I asked him to go down on me. Which he did. He thinks it’s sexy when I ask him to do things to me. Two seconds after he started it nearly felt like I was coming but I didn’t. Which was ok with me actually, cos him going down on me just feels great the whole time. I feel like I’m seconds away from coming a lot of the time to be honest and I just love that feeling. When I did come I came hard. I usually get pretty intense orgasms from oral sex, but this one was probably the most intense I’ve ever gotten. Boyfriend held me in place and went on with what he was doing ’till I literally fought to get lose.

While I was catching my breath he came back up to my side, and when I was back to breathing half-normally I pulled him on top of me and moved around a bit ’till the tip of his dick was just outside my opening. Ihat wanted him inside me like NOW. He was happy to oblige. He started moving in and out, at first a bit slow but then faster. When he slowed down a bit I moved to make him pick up the pace again. Then he came, but I didn’t stop moving just yet.. When I did he just kind of lay on top of me, wiped out, catching his breath. I really like the period between he comes inside me and before he pulls out. So I hugged him and didn’t let go, not even trying to keep the smile of my face. Telling him I love him.

Then he pulled out, we cleaned up and watched the movie to the end.

PS. Most likely left out a lot and mixed up things too… Not sure if everything is in the right order.

Scary Dream.. And Then I Go off Topic.

I dreamt that my little brother had read my blog. That was truly scary! Scary enough that I didn’t want to kill boyfriend’s alarm when it went off cos I woke me up from that scary, scary dream. My little brother does not need to know what his sis does with boyfriend. Or any of the other things I write about here.

On another note. Mum knows I have a blog and asked if she could read it O.o Hells no!!!! No friggen way I’ll let her read this. My mum doesn’t know for sure that I’m not a virgin anymore. She is pretty sure that I’m not but doesn’t know that boyfriend isn’t my first in everything sexual.. He is actually a first in some sexual stuff, but nothing like fist kiss, first sex or anything like that.. More like first person I had REALLY good sex with. Well, he’s the first person that made me come to be honest. Other than myself of course. I made myself come at least ten years before I first kissed a guy, I just didn’t know what it was I was doing ’till I was sixteen or so xD.

Need to go get a shower and then some breakfast. I’m hungry dammit!

Panicking

I sometimes panic. I try not to, I really do. Sometimes it’s just not enough. So I ended up crying. Boyfriend just hugged me and told me he loved me, which is more or less the only thing he can do. When I’m really sad and just crying hugs keep me from drowning in it all the sorrow. I told him some of what was on my mind but generally it was just a general sense of “Something is wrong with me”.I have trust issues and commitment issues. I have a hard time letting go of the past (one post on a specific thing I really wanna leave in the past but keep bringing up). I have pretty low self esteem, it has been really, really low, but I’m working on it.

About a year ago, when I stopped talking to my dad, I cried almost every day. It’s only those of my friends who were there for me then, and boyfriend, who know the full story of that. Most of it only comes out when I’m having one of my crying attacks.

Once I stood in a busy street in the middle of the largest city in my country, tears just streaming down my face, cos I didn’t remember what number I was headed to or in what direction I should head. I rmanaged to calm down about ten minutes later and ask a guy for directions (I was on my way to a shop).

I’ve panicked in the middle of class once. Normally I try not to make to much of a fuzz or cry around other people, but this time I just.. I dunno.. went blank and started crying real hard. For no real reason either. I’d panicked.
I probably scared my teacher though, and he never tried forcing me to make anything after that.

This post is making me depressed.. Better cut it short here and find boyfriend for a hug. Oh, I can hear him coming my way.

Crushes In The Past.

As most people I’ve had crushes in the past. Most of my crushes have been very minor though. I’ve never been obsessed by anyone really.

First guy I ever had a crush on is a year older than me. I’d known him since forever. Also he lived far far away, so he’s never find out. And when you’re seven and all your friends have crushes you want one too, and he would never find out. I never really cared about him, but I needed to have a crush on someone… (I was seven, ok…)

Next time I crushed on someone I was actually interested in the guy. He was nice and cute and fun to talk to. Turned out he had a girlfriend of two years so I pretty much gave up on that. I couldn’t just give up on him though, so I decided to just stay friends. We’re still friends to this day and if I ever write a post about my friends he’ll sure turn up in that one.

Third guy I had a crush on was nearly ten years after my first “crush”. This guy I liked enough so he’ll get an entry of his own later. He was a lot older than me, but acted just a bit older. Even if we’d lived closer it could never have been anything anyway… I was sixteen when I met him. Now I’ve changed a lot, he hasn’t changed a bit… So I can remember him fondly but I have no idea what I actually saw in him.

About six months later I started talking to this guy online. He was really nice to me, but his friends were assholes. I met him a couple of times in real life, but he was really different online and for *real*… I think it was my version of him I really liked.

When I was eighteen I met a guy who’d turn out to be a lot more than a crush. I ended up falling in love with him. He’s important enough to me to get several entries of his own^^ So who am I talking about? Boyfriend of course^^

I’m Back Again

I’m back home now. I think I’ll miss the heat in Greece, but boyfriend can keep me warm ;)

Right now I’m semi-busy so I’ll get up a proper post or three tomorrow. I did a lot of thinking and there are atleast three ideas floating around in my head. We’ll see how many of them make it into the public tomorrow.

I think boyfriend wants my attention now.. Be back later