First Time Was a Disaster

Once upon a time I loved this guy. Not in a romantic way, but in a friendly way. He was the one I trusted the most, the one I’d know the longest.
How could I’ve been so blind? When I think back he never did anything to deserve my trust or my love. Now he’s ruined it beyond repair.
He moved away a couple of years ago, and I went to visit him. I was really happy! I’d spend a whole week with him! Never mind he was working that week, he’d be home ’round 3.30-4ish PM, which gave me time to walk to the local library and occupy one of their computers. Update my old blogg, which had a couple of readers; chat with friends who actually were there for me when my life was a complete mayhem; stuff like that.
Then I’d go back, maybe past the supermarket to shop for groceries.

Now to the stuff I want to forget but is unable to. Much of it was my own fault.

The train I was on was late. Fifteen minutes after we were supposed to arrive i get a text. He aske when the hell I’m comming cos he can’t be bothered to wait much longer.
That was the first hint. I should’ve gotten on the first best train out of there then!
I didn’t.

So it was all my fault we missed the tram to his place. We had to take the bus which took twice the time the tram took to get us there. So he was a bit pissed off. At me! I don’t get it, like I had control over the train tracks….

He’d been on drugs. If you could smoke it he’d probably tried it. But he was clean now, and had been for a while. Well, he counted himself as clean. I don’t. He still smoked pot and said he’d probably never quit.
He also smoked regular fags. Inside! Never mind that I can’t stand it.
“My house, if you don’t like it get out.”

Why didn’t I leave? I so regret staying now…

The things he said to me.. It still hurts thingking about it. Why didn’t I speak up? Why did i just silently take it all?

One night I thought about stuff that made me cry. He hugged me to try and comfort me. We ended up making out.
“We’re just friends, right?” He said.
“Ofc,” I said. “What did you think?”
“Well, it’s just I know you’ve always liked me…”
Wait a minute, WHAT?
“As a friend yeah..” I said.
He was very surprised.

The next time we made out we went a bit longer. He wanted me to blow him. I didn’t want that. He refused to go down on me cos I wasn’t compltetly bald there. Hair was apparantly icky. But he’s never shave there. Cos it itched so much when it grew back.
Self righteous bastard.

So I wouldn’t blow him. He gets me drunk to get down my defences.

Next thing he starts nagging about is for me to swallow. I flat out refuse that! It’s gross! (Well, girls/guys who do swallow might not think that, I can respect that. But I think it’s icky. And I can still finish of a guy with my hand.)
So he doesn’t tell me when he’s about to come.
That is one of the most disrepsectful things anyone as ever done to me. I managed to pull away in time thouhg . TAHNK GOD!

Next step for him is going all the way. Never mind I’ve never gone all the way and never mind I’m not sure I want to. He hasn’t gotten anything in a while and I’m there.
A former friend of mine calls him one day. She going pretty close to where he lives on a school trip, maybe they could meet up?
Turns out he’s on holiday when she’s gonna be there so it won’t work out.
Then he tells me that she’s much prettier than me, but what can he do. I’m the one who’s there.
Ok, WHY THE HELL did he say that?
And WHY THE HELL DIND’T I LEAVE? Just walkt out, get a bus back to the train station and get on a train? Why’d I stay?

The worst he did is yet to come. The thing that realy made me feel dirty, used and worthless.

After he’d gotten what he wanted he says, “Damn it felt good with some pussy again”

I just wanted to dissapear.