I Love my Boyfriend

I fucken love my boyfriend! Most people can tell I do… Sometimes I wonder what I’d do without him. And I can’t really come up with anything meaningfull that’d fill the hours I spend with him,or talking to him, or just thinking about him.

he told me I was one of the best things that happened to him, and that I’m one of the most important things in his life. Makes me happy to hear that, cos that’s how I feel about him!
Yesterday I ended up going out despite the plan being to go home and do some laundry.. Just missed my honey too much.. ^^ When I got to the club he was drunk and horny, he more or less asked if I wanted to go back to his place xD

He said he’d missed me a lot, and I just had to ask if it was me or sex he’d missed.
“You!” he said and hugged me. “I can prove it if you want.”
Him proving that he didn’t have to have sex to stay with me would just be annoying! I need sex to function properly I think.. I might not need it as much or often as DFP, but I still need it on a regualar basis.
It’s not sex that makes me love my boyfriend. It’s a bonus =)

I love how he’ll just hug me and tell me that he loves me, none of that “It’ll be ok” stuff, when I’m sad.
How he’ll remember stuff I say, even if it’s so insignificant that I don’t.
How he loves surprising me with stuff, and when (as it’s almost always been) it’s something I really really like he’ll be happy and ask if it was a nice surprise.

Birth Control

I saw this TV-series about a High School in the US. One of those schools that teach abstinence only. I think that is stupid! Very much so even.
If you want your kids to not get pregnant and not get any STDs the best way to avoid this is NOT through teaching them that sex is baaaaad and that they shan’t do it.
Best way to avoid teenage pregnancies is through information. Lot’s of it and at a fairly early age.
Teenagers will have sex even if they are told not to. That’s just the way the world works. So to make sure that they have safe sex they need to know what safe sex is.
I read on this site that :
“The United States has the highest rates of teen pregnancy and births in the western industrialized world.”
I also read that :
“The good news is that teen births have dropped by almost a third since the beginning of the 1990s. With pregnancy prevention programs and more understanding and teaching about safe sex, this number will hopefully drop even more.”

So the best way to stop kids/teens from doing things that can or will harm them (like unsafe sex or drugs) is information, lot’s of information!

During the ’70s in Sweden there was a LOT of information about drug use and safe sex, so in the late 70s and 80s drug abuse, STDs and unwanted pregnacies dropped, only to rise again in the 90s when the amount of information easily acesible dropped. Now they’ve again increased the information available and as a result the teenage pregnancies and abortions have dropped again.

So basically the most common ways to avoid pregnacies would be condoms, “the pill” (what is the proper name for that anyway?) or not having sex.
Not having sex is the safest. It works in 100% of the cases.
Condoms are safe in 98% of the cases, and pills in 99.7-99.5% of the cases depending on which kind of pill.
(Numbers from wikipedia, if they are wrong it’s not my fault xD)

So in a way abstinence is the best birth control methodm, but it’s also the most boring. If there’s no pressure and you’re after the same thing, sex is great. And people who are ready for sex are not always ready to have kids.

This is Just too Much

I got an e-mail from him. It started out properly I guess. With him saying he was sorry we didn’t talk and what not and he hoped I could explain why I was mad at him cos he couldn’t properly understand it. He used about as many words on that as I’ve used so far.

Then came a 400-or so long essay on why it wasn’t just his fault and how it was a daughters duty to forgive her fathers flaws, how I shouldn’t talk about socialism and humanism and stuff like that here, cos they were based on atheism (I’m starting to suspect that my dad’s a friggen fanatic..). Only if I stopped talking about that could he promise not to say bad stuff about my mum. Also he agrees that it’s a parents duty to support their kid, but apparantly he thinks the kids duty to respect their parents and do what they are told comes first.

Then he finished of with asking if I was done with school and how things were going. Again using less than a hundred words and signed it with “Your father, that loves you”.

I don’t know what you think, but a father that loves you would try to be a part of your life a little harder, right? Appart from a two minute phone conversation with me telling him I wouldn’t see him, that’s the first I’ve heard of him since August 30th.

He’s fucken messed up. Whenever I behave in a way he sees as wrong it’s my mum’s fault. Me not talking to him? Mum’s fault. Me not being as fanatically religious as he is? Mum’s fault. Me getting bad grades (I hardly do!) Mum’s fault. Me having opinions of my own that aren’t the same as his? Mum’s fault.
Well, wouldn’t it be his fault cos HE WASN’T HERE TO INFLUENCE ME?

Thank God he wasn’t is all I can say! Maybe I’d turn out a misinformed asshole like him!

It might seem like I’m only mad at him, but I’m not. I want a father dammit! I just want a father that can respect my mother. A father that can see when he’s in the wrong. A father that can actually be an active part of my life. Not just some dude that’ll visit once a year and send e-mails….

I want a proper dad!

Sexism

Read this post on a forum how it’s becoming more “guys can’t do ‘girly’ things, but girls can do what they want”.
So now it’s men who’s the discriminated part.
Do I agree? Heck no.

The stuff guys “can” do and girls can’t.
-Like flashy cars or cars in general.
-Get a career purely on what they know.

The stuff girls “can” do and guys can’t.
-Wear a dress
-Become a kindergarten teacher.

The reason why it is like this is that guys are still the norm, and as suck more worth. So a guy condescending to doing “girly” things will be seen a less of a man.
A girl trying/doing “manly” things will be seen as trying to do stuff she isn’t good enough to do, or just as plain abnormal.

Then there’s the bit about custody of children. Hwo the dads are dicriminated there. Well guess why? How many dads just ditches their kids? How many mums do?
In my personal experience I know about ONE mum who ditched her child. And I’ve lost count of the fathers who left.

Short blog and badly written.. Sorry!

I Fucking Hope He’s Not Serious.

I do not need for some guy to fall for me.

We were talking on msn about people who needs to be beaten up. Then he said something like he’d want to beat up my boyfriend and steal me. I fucken hope he was joking! Seriously! He’s a fairly good friend and him meaning that would ruin some of that.

Then I told my boyfriend about it, he didn’t seem overly thrilled.

Gah, why do I mess up everything?!? And why do so many guy friends fall for me? (Ok, not many.. Like four or something)

One was this guy in my guild (online game..) who fell for me and everytime he helps me out in that game he’ll be like “That’d be worth a hand job, right?” or something. And he’s fucken jealous of my boyfriend or actually more or less every male person I TALK to.
He’s also askign stuff like: “If you were single and here would [insert something sexual]be able to happen?”
Or asking if I’d go on a date with him.
Only reason I haven’t blocked him is cos I feel so sorry for him. Poor wanker..

Then there was this guy I had to invent a boyfriend to get off my back. Jeez, pathetic or what?

This guy then, he’s a one night stand turned friend.
I’d hate for him to fall for me.
Reason one: He can never “have” me, and I’d feel sorry for him.
Reason two: Even if I didn’t have an awesome boyfriend see reason one. We’re too different.

I seriously hope he was joking. Problem is he’s always flirting with me, always calling me sweety or baby or stuff like that.

Gah! Muchly angst?

Father

My dad left when I was still a kid. I’d see him once a year and then for only a week or two.
He claimed that he couldn’t afford to stay longer.
At least after my mum refused to let him stay at our place. Before that he’d been “able” to stay maybe a month.
Then he sold some of her things and after that she refused to let him into the house.
He didn’t care.
“She can’t forbid me to be in my own sons room,” he’d say and check his mail on my brother’s computer.

Then he informed me that he thought it was his duty as my father to find me a suitable husband.
Ok, what happened to the support your children part of duties?
He asked me if I was a virgin. And was then surprised when I told him that was none of his buisiness.

Then he left. But we e-mailed each other. When my replies became shorted and shorter it was my mum who’d brainwashed me etc. etc.
So I told him that if he would go on about my mother like that I didn’t want to talk to him.
“I can say whatever I want to say,” he replied.

So I didn’t have any contact with him after that.

‘Till the next time he was in the country.
My brother called and asked if I wanted to come with them and see a movie. I said no.
Then I talked to my father.

And I might be seeing him tormorrow… I don’t know if I’ll be able to…

Hiding out at boyfriend’s place for a few days now.

My First Real Love

I’m not talking about that childhood crushes where the furthest you went was a chaste peck on the cheek.
I’m talking about the first time I was truly in love with someone.
The night I met him I hadn’t expected to meet anyone new. It wasn’t love at first sight, but then I don’t think there really is such a thing.
He got my e-mail address that night and we started chatting. Then we met up a week later again. Like the last time we met we were definitely flirting. This time I stayed at his place and we went further than just flirting.
I’ll never forget our first kiss. I was cold, he was warm, so I curled up next to him.
“With a pretty girl lying like that I’ll soon get warm in another way,” he said.

I can’t recall why but I just had to check if he was ticklish. Then he ended up kissing me.
“I’ve wanted to do that for a while,” he said.
“Before or after the tickle war started?” I asked him.
“Since last week,” he replied.
“If you’d kissed me last week I’d've kissed you back,” I said.
“Danm,” he said and kissed me again.

That was the start of a lot of drama but also the start of my first relationship.
We got together about two weeks after that, and it lasted for about three weeks.
He said he cared a lot for me, but it wasn’t the way you should care for a girl friend. I didn’t love him yet then, but I liked him, so that comment hurt. Still does if I think about it too much.
The rest he had to tell me didn’t really matter after that comment. He told me how he’d gotten close to cheating on me. He hadn’t done anything, but he’d been invited do do something and actually thought about accepting.

The day after we broke up, but we stayed in touch, I slept at his place when I didn’t have anywhere else to stay.
A month later we got back together.
This time I was too scared to really let my feelings do what they wanted. I wasn’t sure that it could work out. The time when we broke up was the closest I’ve ever been to getting my heart broken.
I was counting the days, I more or less expected it would end again when we’d passed roughly three weeks.
It didn’t. He fell in love with me. He said he’d never fallen this quickly for anyone before. It nearly scared him, but in a good way.

Later he told me he loved me. I’d built up a shell after the break up, that was when he got through it. Also I’m apparantly one of the best things that ever happened to him and there are very few things that mean more to him than I do.

I really love him. I can’t pin-point exactly what it is that makes me love him.. I guess it’s the mix of good things in him and the absence of bad ones.
Not that he completely lacks bad sides, but it’s not stuff like he’ll hit me, or cheat on me or other big things like that.

It’s stuff like he can forget to say please when he asks me about something so it sounds more like an order than a request.
Like if I bring up things he thinks we’ve been through he’ll be annoyed.
Like he’s on my case about homework.

It just doesn’t mean as much as the good things.

Stuff like if I’m sad he’ll hug me and try to make me happy again.
Like he can always make me smile.
Like when I call and wake him up it’s a good start to his day.
Things like he always have something nice to say to me.

I love him.. A lot!
And hearing him tell me he loves he makes me happy.
I trust him, he’s one of the people I trust the most. More than I ever trusted the moron I wrote about in an earlier blog. More than I trust my best friend.

There are a few things I might not tell him. Stuff like how I cried myself to sleep when we broke up. How I’ve been scared he’ll dump me.
I love him. I don’t want things to end, not now and not for a long time.
He makes me happy just by existing, and I hope I can make him happy too.

First Time Was a Disaster

Once upon a time I loved this guy. Not in a romantic way, but in a friendly way. He was the one I trusted the most, the one I’d know the longest.
How could I’ve been so blind? When I think back he never did anything to deserve my trust or my love. Now he’s ruined it beyond repair.
He moved away a couple of years ago, and I went to visit him. I was really happy! I’d spend a whole week with him! Never mind he was working that week, he’d be home ’round 3.30-4ish PM, which gave me time to walk to the local library and occupy one of their computers. Update my old blogg, which had a couple of readers; chat with friends who actually were there for me when my life was a complete mayhem; stuff like that.
Then I’d go back, maybe past the supermarket to shop for groceries.

Now to the stuff I want to forget but is unable to. Much of it was my own fault.

The train I was on was late. Fifteen minutes after we were supposed to arrive i get a text. He aske when the hell I’m comming cos he can’t be bothered to wait much longer.
That was the first hint. I should’ve gotten on the first best train out of there then!
I didn’t.

So it was all my fault we missed the tram to his place. We had to take the bus which took twice the time the tram took to get us there. So he was a bit pissed off. At me! I don’t get it, like I had control over the train tracks….

He’d been on drugs. If you could smoke it he’d probably tried it. But he was clean now, and had been for a while. Well, he counted himself as clean. I don’t. He still smoked pot and said he’d probably never quit.
He also smoked regular fags. Inside! Never mind that I can’t stand it.
“My house, if you don’t like it get out.”

Why didn’t I leave? I so regret staying now…

The things he said to me.. It still hurts thingking about it. Why didn’t I speak up? Why did i just silently take it all?

One night I thought about stuff that made me cry. He hugged me to try and comfort me. We ended up making out.
“We’re just friends, right?” He said.
“Ofc,” I said. “What did you think?”
“Well, it’s just I know you’ve always liked me…”
Wait a minute, WHAT?
“As a friend yeah..” I said.
He was very surprised.

The next time we made out we went a bit longer. He wanted me to blow him. I didn’t want that. He refused to go down on me cos I wasn’t compltetly bald there. Hair was apparantly icky. But he’s never shave there. Cos it itched so much when it grew back.
Self righteous bastard.

So I wouldn’t blow him. He gets me drunk to get down my defences.

Next thing he starts nagging about is for me to swallow. I flat out refuse that! It’s gross! (Well, girls/guys who do swallow might not think that, I can respect that. But I think it’s icky. And I can still finish of a guy with my hand.)
So he doesn’t tell me when he’s about to come.
That is one of the most disrepsectful things anyone as ever done to me. I managed to pull away in time thouhg . TAHNK GOD!

Next step for him is going all the way. Never mind I’ve never gone all the way and never mind I’m not sure I want to. He hasn’t gotten anything in a while and I’m there.
A former friend of mine calls him one day. She going pretty close to where he lives on a school trip, maybe they could meet up?
Turns out he’s on holiday when she’s gonna be there so it won’t work out.
Then he tells me that she’s much prettier than me, but what can he do. I’m the one who’s there.
Ok, WHY THE HELL did he say that?
And WHY THE HELL DIND’T I LEAVE? Just walkt out, get a bus back to the train station and get on a train? Why’d I stay?

The worst he did is yet to come. The thing that realy made me feel dirty, used and worthless.

After he’d gotten what he wanted he says, “Damn it felt good with some pussy again”

I just wanted to dissapear.